10 Years of Separation by Jonah Sparks - Drama - After one of their friends has been murdered, 5 friends come together to reunite and find the murderer all while revealing their darkest secrets. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Jonah,

I'm sorry to say this, but I couldn't get past the first page.

Quoted Text We see what appears to be a breezy Pacific Northwest night we notice that there must be a party going on as we see a campfire and six small figures dancing around it with loud hip-hop music playing throughout the woods.

This is your opening and it's all one sentence.  I'm not against using "we" by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not executed well here, sorry to say.

Things need to be broken up with commas and periods.

Quoted Text JAMES THOMAS, 18, average height and average build with short brown hair, ANDREW WILSON, 18, tall and lanky with medium blonde hair, DAVID CARTER, 18, short and stocky built with medium black hair, MIKE TAYLOR, 17, very muscular and athletic with dark skin and no hair, KEVIN RODRIGUEZ, 17 short and skinny with tan skin and of Hispanic decent and messy black hair, SCOTT LANGSTON, 17, average height and average build with spiky brown hair.

This is NOT okay, and it was the nail in the coffin before I even got started.  You've introduced me to 6 characters, all in one single action paragraph, which stretches to 8 lines.

It's a huge mistake to machine-gun the character intros like that.  You bombard the reader with too much information at once, and it's overwhelming.  Do you honestly expect the reader to take in all that information in one fell swoop?  All it's going to do is make people not care about your characters.

This needs a lot of work IMO.

That creepy-ass sig is back.