Quoted from Erica Have to say I'm a little confused on the logline. Your saying he didn't cheat and that his wife is trying to get him to cheat so she can feel better? |
Quoted from eldave1 Okay, the log line is confusing - had to read it twice. That being said, once I got it - I loved the premise of the script. I found the first ten pages very confusing and felt that the premise promised was no where to be found. The Gay ex-husband thing added to the confusion. - the flashbacks and voice overs made the story seem more chaotic then necessary. I really like the premise so I'll give this another whack later - could be that I'm just having a bad reading day. |
Quoted from Dreamscale Well...uh...yeah...the logline's a mess and doesn't make alot of sense, but again, as I often say, you can tell so much from a really poorly written logline. |
Quoted from eldave1 A suggestion for the title John: "Getting Uneven" |
Quoted from JohnN That is a clever title. Mine was based on her thought, not reality and helping the audience reach the same wrong conclusion. Maybe I could have her get pregnant and call it "misconception." ;D |
Quoted Text Page 1 EXT. HIGHWAY - LOS ANGELES AREA - NIGHT Amongst the traffic, we focus on a late model pickup truck, "Wilson and Sons Construction" logo on the door. |
Quoted Text We hear Rachel SING as she takes her SHOWER in their |
Quoted Text ON SCREEN: EARLIER THAT DAY |
Quoted Text INT. ART GALLERY - LOS ANGELES - DAY It’s a smallish, mid-scale, art gallery. ANGELA, 30’s, is standing next to CUSTOMER, male, 50’s, pompous, holding a Poodle, as they look at an abstract painting on the wall with a $5,000 price. |
Quoted Text INT. RACHEL’S MINIVAN The minivan is being driven by RACHEL WILSON, 30ish, winsome, her cute, expressive face tense with apprehension. |
Quoted Text INT. WILSON HOME - MASTER BATHROOM We hear Rachel SING as she takes her SHOWER in their restored master bathroom with two pedestal sinks, a make-up area, a vintage Victorian toilet with the pull-chain tank mounted high on the wall, and a vintage tub/shower with the curtain closed. |
Quoted Text She kisses him again. They’re cute together. If we did know he was having an affair, we’d like him. |
Quoted from eldave1 Page 5 I think you mean that if we didn’t know. Regardless – the scene preceding (the shower dance) doesn’t make sense in terms of the plot – she is already trailing him – thinking he is cheating. Yet she is this romantic in the shower???? Doesn't make sense. |
Quoted from eldave1 Page 9 The entire scene with Rachel parking the van and bumping the car adds little to your story – I would eliminate the scene altogether. |
Quoted from eldave1 Page 13 I don’t get the value of doing this scene twice – once in the opening and one here. As a note – you can’t do the “later we will learn he is his brother, later we will learn she is Miranda, thing. If it is important for us to know now – then show us now. |
Quoted from eldave1 The sex with Rob. |
Quoted from eldave1 Rachel’s physical decline |
Quoted from eldave1 Page 29 All of the talk about sex, vibrators, etc between Rachel and Doctor Martin is very funny and well written. It also has to go. It is completely unrealistic. A Doctor would never talk to a patient like this. It took me out of the story. I know - it is real funny stuff so it is tough to nuke it - but it just isn't realistic (maybe move some of it to a conversation between her and Angela???) |
Quoted from eldave1 Rachel’s physical decline Rachel spraining her foot so her sister could seduce Derek. If you want this - just have her fake it - an ace bandage around her ankle - she doesn't actually have to sprain it. You could still use the stuff right up to the point where she was going to do it - can't - and then Donna says - hey - let's just put a bandage on it. Rachel - no shit - what were we thinking. |
Quoted from eldave1 That Derek would seek advice from Miranda on Donna’s move is a bit unrealistic. |
Quoted from eldave1 The Detectives showing up at Derek’s place of work with the sex tapes is totally unbelievable. It would never, ever happen like this. I know that you have to have a way for Derek to find out about the affair – but this ain’t it. |
Quoted from eldave1 Finally - IMO the story must be more about Rachel's misguided attempts to get someone to screw Derek (and he them) then what you have. That is the promise of the premise. i.e., she pays for a hooker to hit on him at a bar - that doesn't work. She secretly puts his profile on Ashel MAddison or some other adult hook up site - that doesn't work - etc. etc. |
Quoted from eldave1 Don't get discourage from these notes. Your dialogue is great. You have a real sense of humor in your writing. You need to work on more realistic story elements along with the issues dealing with style/format in the first post. |