Food For Birds by Steve Miles - Short, Drama - A long awaited act of retribution takes an unexpected turn when the would-be victim makes a final request. Drama. 14 pages. - pdf, format 8)

Hello Steve,

Having read your script, I think it's safe to assume that you're not a newcomer to the craft. Not only is it very expertly written but it contains such nuance and depth, often missing from shorts.

The slow but steady reveals throughout the script are done excellently. There are a few cool, little twists which are implemented seamlessly within this sobering, subtle drama. Your prose is eloquent and sometimes even poetic without being overly so for a script.

If I had any kind of qualms, I'd say the pace is on the cusp of being sluggish. And there were a few confusing moments. No spoilers ahead. For instance; after Aiden throws Cordie in the car it was a bit confusing as to who was or wasn't in the car and where exactly. Similar, smaller instances appear throughout, I think this is mostly down to you referring to characters as "he" too often instead of by their names. When you have multiple (especially all male) characters in a scene, it's very important to clearly describe who does and says what.

I'm also still quite foggy on the whole postcard business, and the bus pass. I've only read your script once so far, I might return to it later, but it seemed like the characters were much too vague about it for an oblivious audience to comprehend it. But it may just be me, wouldn't be the first time I'd be accused of being a bit thick.

Okay, enough complaining. Once again, loved your script. Look forward to reading any others by your hand.


Sandro

Hi Steve,

SPOILERS BELOW:

I had to look up what H.M.P Dumfries was, otherwise I’d have been lost as to where the first scene was set. PRISON – RELEASE GATE would have been much clearer.

As I’m reading the first three pages I keep on getting confused who is who. Do Aiden and Graham know each other? I have to keep going back to page one to remind myself which character is which. Ah it seems that they are related. It was just odd the way they bumped into each other and all the while Cordie doesn’t say anything.

I am struggling to follow this, maybe it’s the dialect because it is well written.

I can’t understand why they are beating this guy and desperate to kill him one moment, then taking him to see this woman the next.

In the house now and I don’t know who sent the cards to who or what really happened. Still, something kept me reading until the end so there must be something there, I’m probably just too tired to get it.

- Mark

Sandro and Mark,

thanks for the reads and kind words.  I’ll admit to preferring a subtler approach -- all feedback is important as that way I can get a consensus on what’s working and what isn’t and remedy it.

Card wise, Aiden’s initially upset as his Mother has been sending Cordie birthday/xmas cards while he’s been in prison for the accident that left his sister severely disabled and split their family apart.

It turns at the end when she gives him all the cards she would’ve sent him, had she known where he was.  It makes him realise he’s still a part of family life.

As to the bus pass, it was Graham’s from the outset, he used it to get to the prison.  Giving it to Cordie is a show of good faith -- their way of saying/showing they’re letting him go.  

The reason they want to kill Cordie is revenge -- father and son have both been planning it without the other knowing.  They both turn up on the day of his release, complicating things.

The truth is neither of them quite has the nerve to go through with it (hopefully there’s small clues here and there to show their doubts) -- taking Cordie to see Rowena is more Graham’s way of stalling as much as to honour his last request.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read and post.

Steve

Steve,

Hey. Very good story here. I loved the pace of this, as you never knew if Cordie was doomed, although there were hints throughout that suggested otherwise. Such as I wondered why Aidan would just leave the fun in the seat and proceed to pummel Cordie. Stuff like that.

I may come back to this, as I feel there are deeper meanings here that I'm missing. Especially about the birds, and jays in particular. This story made me want to do a little research here, but at the moment no.

Still, I wonder about the badge. I did look it up and it says its an emblem that shows dedication or allegiance to a group of some kind. Is it used as a metaphor here for Cordies allegiance to Rowena? Am I on the right track?

Otherwise, a good one. Really got a sense of place, especially at the house when Cordie and Graham sort of melted down and gave up their ambitions.

But I will check out habits of birds just to see if I can make a connection.   :)
Steve

Steve,

thanks for reading.  To be honest there’s no deeper meaning to the Jay in particular -- I just remembered a friend who’d coaxed one to feed from her hand.  As a practical angle it’s something simple that Mother and Daughter can do together given that Rowena is severely limited.  On a deeper level it’s all about patience -- Ellen moving on, caring for Rowena and forgiving the past; while Craig and Graham are consumed with the idea of revenge and forget what really matters -- family.

Not sure if you’re based in the US?  If so there might be a translation issue surrounding the badge -- think it’s referred to as a pin/button there -- like you’d get with a birthday card.  Craig giving Cordie the badge was a small gesture of peace (as Cordie’s was held from him in prison), it's his way of showing he's ready to let him go.  I struggled with how/where to end this -- so far this was the best I could figure out.

Thanks again, if I can return the read let me know.

Steve

I liked this one, mate. Some great writing and I love the Scottish slang. I've read most of Irvine Welsh's novels, including Trainspotting.

I haven't got much to say because I think this is fine as is. Very realistic and something I could actually see happening. How long did Cordie do in jail after the crash? I believe up to around a 6 stretch is normal if drugs were involved. Normal careless driving will get you anything from 6 months. I once met a guy who ran over an old lady, left the scene and handed himself in the next morning... old lady died. So, he could have been drinking, then waited for it to wear off before handing himself in... anyway, of previous good character, he got 6 months. It was also shown though that there wasn't anything he could do about it, she basically committed suicide, as old people are wont to do in busy traffic (just kidding). But if you remember Lee Hughes, the footballer, he got a 6 year stretch for death by dangerous driving because drink and drugs were involved... pretty much the maximum. He also got himself a broken nose while working the prison library in my local. He got shipped out after that.

Anyway mate, all realistic characters, a realistic situation, magnificently handled, in my opinion. Nice work.

Yeah, this is good. Well written. While I did get tripped up in some places, like when they got in the car, or the cards, I was drawn into the story.

Hi Steve

Two scripts in two days ... Well for me

Ok...

I have to say you lost me on that opening page. I couldn't work out how all three got in the car?

You have a talent for dialogue but one that I sometime feels just needs to be pegged back a small touch. Sometimes I can be thrown, as do others, with the subtlety. That's is not always bad, but clarity leads to a smooth read .

So, what we discover, father and brother seek justice for their sister, who is looked after by their mother.  A family at war. All coped in their own way. A blend of haunting simplicity of life, anger and perceived honour, coupled with a sentenced served.  Good stuff.

Again, another script full of tone.

What to suggest. Well. we are all different,  but if me, I would push the bird connection - flashback to him feeding birds in prison - or him feeding the birds as recovery from being beaten by his father etc etc plus balance out the dialogue. A card from him on her wall. He's the one who hasn't given up on her.

Good work.

Thanks for reading,

Dustin, yes, the idea was Cordie served around six years for driving impaired and leaving Rowena for dead following the crash -- kind of saw him as being picked up shortly after, while he was still wired.

Clorox, Bill, I’ll take a look at the car scene -- seems to have tripped a couple of people up in terms of clarity.

Glad it worked for you all -- feedback's always appreciated.  Let me know if can return the read.

Steve