Caught Sideways by Greg McLauchlin - Short, Drama - The dirty little secrets of an upscale household are in jeopardy of being exposed when an intruder invades the home. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Gregg,

Another script with zero comments and immediately it's clear why. The first page is jam-packed with errors.

Quoted Text EXT. STEVENS HOUSE - MORNING

The audience doesn't know who Steven is at this point. You also forgot the possessive apostrophe. Leave out "STEVEN'S" altogether.

Quoted Text Credits roll. Music plays. "Silver, Blue and Gold."

Unless you already own the rights to that song or have a producer with deep pockets, it's pointless to incorporate it in your script.

Quoted Text ANGELA STEVENS (O.C.) Do you need me to do anything while you are gone?

Quoted Text ADAM STEVENS (O.C.) No.

Name a character's last name just once in his introduction, remove all other instances. In fact, I'm pretty sure we don't need to know their last names at all. O.C. should be O.S.

Quoted Text ADAM STEVENS (CONTINUES) I think I have everything.

Should be CONT'D, because it's short for "continued" not "continues".

Quoted Text MRS. ANGELA STEVENS stands in front of the window holding a cup of coffee in her left hand.

Unnecessarily specific.

Quoted Text INT. KITCHEN - MORINING

Typo.

Quoted Text ANGELA STEVENS Good I have big plans for you when you get back.

Missing a comma after "good".

See what I mean? This is all from page one. If you don't care to read your script (to catch these mistakes) then why would anyone else? Give it a good once-over.


Sandro

Quoted from Sandro Hi Gregg, Another script with zero comments and immediately it's clear why. The first page is jam-packed with errors. The audience doesn't know who Steven is at this point. You also forgot the possessive apostrophe. Leave out "STEVEN'S" altogether.

I see what you're saying, there is no intro at this point -- it's a slug line that pretty much aids the production team. I would avoid mentioning his house by name until we meet the dood.

Good advice the rest of the way.

Quoted from Sandro Unless you already own the rights to that song or have a producer with deep pockets, it's pointless to incorporate it in your script.

I used to hear this one quite a bit -- and used to ding people on it myself.

But you know what?  If you have a darn good reason for it -- and it is a well-known song that people are likely to recognize -- a well-placed song choice can say quite a bit about the tone you are going for.

Unfortunately, neither of those criteria seem to be met here, so note that I am not discounting your counsel entirely.  And one can most certainly overuse this technique.

But at the spec level, who really cares if they don't (or can't) use the song in production?  It certainly won't be the only change from script to screen.  Like most "rules", I like to think that the "song rule" can occasionally be broken with proper justification.

Quoted from bert If you have a darn good reason for it -- and it is a well-known song that people are likely to recognize -- a well-placed song choice can say quite a bit about the tone you are going for.

Sure, but I just felt there is NO reason at all for it, let alone a darn good one. Besides that, I don't know the song, so I start wondering; should I Youtube it or is not important? While I should be getting drawn into the story, I'm getting pulled out by a song.

Quoted from bert But at the spec level, who really cares if they don't (or can't) use the song in production?  It certainly won't be the only change from script to screen.  Like most "rules", I like to think that the "song rule" can occasionally be broken with proper justification.

Spec level is exactly where these things shouldn't happen, at least that's how I've always understood it. If Gregg will be producing this script himself, then fine, forget what I said. But beyond that, a good writer should be able to set the tone/mood purely with words. Slapping in a song like that is basically saying: I can't be bothered to create the mood, so I'll let this musician for me, go listen to it as you read.

I can definitely see where you're coming from. This is just how I feel about it.

Quoted from Sandro The audience doesn't know who Steven is at this point. You also forgot the possessive apostrophe. Leave out "STEVEN'S" altogether.

I agree with all that you had note except the above.

First - let me stipulate that I think you are technically correct here. It's just one of the rules that I have decided not to abide by anymore. 99% of the time the character is going to be introduced right after the slug line (so the confusion should be abated) and it allows you to use the same scene description throughout. Again - that's just me.  

I don't agree with the advice on the house name. I think it's fine to have STEVE'S HOUSE before we are intro'd to Steve. Of course it is. It's a location. You can also have characters appear in dialogue or photographs before intro'ing them physically too. It isn't confusing in the slightest. So long as it is clear what is happening, then throw the rule book out of the window.

In regards to the song in a script... this is fine too, and we don't need to harp on about rights to the song. If the director or producer or whoever wants to change it and use something else then there isn't anything stopping them. The fact one hasn't heard of a song makes it more likely that it will be cheap or even free. Plenty of artists out there appreciate the collaborative process. Using somebody's song in a film can be just as good for them as it is for us.

As for googling while reading a story... if a story is good enough to do that, I applaud it. I love learning new things. Whether that be a word I've never heard, a point in history I'd like to research more, a character name or even a song. I'll often google in an attempt to discover the deeper meanings behind what is written, then come back to the story. It doesn't hurt.

Using a song is a tool... Stephen King is a great writer and he uses songs to set the tone all the time. He even writes out the lyrics. Certainly in his earlier works. Can't say I've read any in over ten years. So the part about good writers being able to set the tone just with their words is bullshit. We use whatever tools we can, and whatever tools we feel like using. Unless one is going to produce this themselves then the song choices made by the writer should not be of any concern whatsoever.

Quoted from eldave1 I agree with all that you had note except the above. First - let me stipulate that I think you are technically correct here. It's just one of the rules that I have decided not to abide by anymore. 99% of the time the character is going to be introduced right after the slug line (so the confusion should be abated) and it allows you to use the same scene description throughout. Again - that's just me.

Good point. I didn't think about it as a means of avoiding confusion, especially when you have several "houses" in a script, which is quite common of course.