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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Series  /  Bounty
Posted by: Don, September 21st, 2015, 10:17pm
Bounty by Gary Howell (Hawkeye) - Series - When a deep sea explorer goes missing in the Gulf of Mexico, his son must unravel a mystery embedded in his father's Last Will and Testament, and doing so will entangle him in a world of drug smugglers, murderers and back stabbers. 53 pages - pdf format
Posted by: Gary in Houston, September 21st, 2015, 10:26pm; Reply: 1
Thanks for posting Don!  This was a script that started out as a feature as part of the March 2013 1 + 6 Week challenge. I didn't finish that feature, but transformed it into a pilot for TV series about a Texas bounty hunter. Appreciate any and all thoughts on the script!

Gary
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 19th, 2015, 5:04pm; Reply: 2
Based on some feedback I received from a friend, I've updated the initial draft which I think improves the flow and provides some much needed backstory for one of the main characters.  You can read the updated version here:


https://www.dropbox.com/s/auwym66vz1yhd2t/Bounty%20version%201.2.pdf?dl=0

Hope you have a look.

Thanks!
Gary
Posted by: eldave1, October 19th, 2015, 5:58pm; Reply: 3
Gary - I'm kind of slammed now - did read the teaser - I thought it was great!
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 19th, 2015, 7:48pm; Reply: 4

Quoted from eldave1
Gary - I'm kind of slammed now - did read the teaser - I thought it was great!


Thanks! I hope you have the chance to read further and have the same opinion!
Gary
Posted by: eldave1, October 20th, 2015, 12:29pm; Reply: 5
Okay - I got through this.

First - very well crafted - it flowed and was a real page turner. I am a fan of your writing style.
Many scenes were very vivid - it was easy to be there. The voices of your characters were realistic for the most part - I could sense who they were.

So, I have very little too offer in terms of specific improvements - but I do have thoughts for you to consider:

SPOILERS AHEAD


Quoted Text
KWAME
Mister Piersall.

MORGAN
What do you want, Kwame? I’m getting ready to shoot.


There are various places in the script where I think action would be preferred over dialogue. The above is an example. Kwame (as well as ourselves) know that Morgan is ready to shoot - you don't need to say it. Instead, I would use action. Something like:

KWAME
Mister Piersall.

Morgan lowers his gun- frustrated.

MORGAN
Christ, what do you want?

ON THE NOSE DIALOGUE

There are many places in the script where the dialogue is too on the nose (OTN). Yeah - I know that you are trying to get background and plot points out - but it ends up in dialogue that these characters would not really speak. Some examples to illustrate:


Quoted Text

KWAME
But there’s something else. Word
from our supplier is that Viktor
Azarov is trying to horn in on your
territory.

MORGAN
Who gives a good god damn about a two-bit pecker like Azarov? He has a good thing going in Eastern Europe and he wants to make a play here in Texas? Well, let him come on down! We’ll show him some of our Texas hospitality!


You can break it up to sound less OTN and more natural. e.g.,

KWAME
There’s something else.

MORGAN
Well, spit it out.

KWAME
There may be trouble with Viktor
Azarov.

MORGAN
Who gives a good god damn about a two-bit pecker like Azarov? He has a good thing going in Eastern Europe - ain't no worry of mine.

KWAME
The word from our supplier is that he wants to make a play here in Texas.

MORGAN
Well, let him come on down! We’ll show him some of our Texas hospitality!

The point being - whenever you have a single large block of dialogue there is a risk that you are going to OTN to explain stuff - it can be easier on the eyes to break it up - seem like more natural conversation. Look opportunities in the script to do this.

Other examples of OTN:


Quoted Text
RACHEL
Of course. Rachel adores him.


First - typo - I think Rachel is supposed to be Allie

They both know that Allie adores him - she wouldn't say it. Instead use action - maybe pick up a picture with Allie on Rocky's lap.

Another example of OTN is when Jake and Robin are discussing how a Sat phone works - they would never do this - they're in the business - they know about Sat phones - you're using their dialogue to inform the audience about them - needs to be done a different way.


Quoted Text
EXT. ROCKY’S HOUSE - DAY A stylish residence in west Houston. It’s not ostentatious, but it’s a home befitting an explorer such as Rocky Calhoun.


Calhoun or Murdock?

Another OTN example:


Quoted Text
JAKE
Whatever. I didn’t start dating Robin until after the divorce, so if Rachel has a problem with her, then that’s on Rachel


They're close brothers - if Jake didn't screw around till after the divorce - Nick already knows that. I know you are trying to tell the audience that - but it is just a little unnatural. Try something like:

JAKE
You know I didn't fuck around with her while I was married.

NICK
Yeah, but Rachel always knew you wanted to.

Anyway - not to beat it to death - but there were several places in the script where I could tell that the only reason for a particular piece of dialogue was to inform the audience of a specific plot point or piece of background. Re-examine these areas to see if there is a more natural way to do it.

One last thought. Jake is pretty much the stereotypical bounty hunter. While that makes the script flow (i.e., we already know who he is) it also makes it a bit stale. It might be a bit more interesting if he wasn't run of the mill. Maybe he is a banker type or a sophisticate. Maybe gay - maybe weak of build and relies on his smarts rather than brawn - just a thought to make this something really different.

Ooops - one last nit - I think Rachel and Robin are too close in character name - gets a little confusing at first - e.g., Rachel and Charlene - or something like that.

Overall - I think this displays a lot of talent on your part. You do an outstanding job of interweaving multiple characters, plot points and scene locations without ever causing confusion. Solid effort IMO.





To otn with protag –
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 20th, 2015, 8:48pm; Reply: 6

Quoted from eldave1

First - very well crafted - it flowed and was a real page turner. I am a fan of your writing style.
Many scenes were very vivid - it was easy to be there. The voices of your characters were realistic for the most part - I could sense who they were.


Thanks, Dave! I really appreciate the great notes and I'm glad you liked it. You had some great suggestions --- it's funny how you can review your work a dozen times and still miss glaring things.  Which is why it is so important to get others to review your work.



Quoted from eldave1

There are various places in the script where I think action would be preferred over dialogue.


If there is one area that seems to be a recurring theme with my writing, this would probably be it. Sometimes I will overwrite, primarily in dialogue, and the suggestions you give above make a lot of sense.




Quoted from eldave1

ON THE NOSE DIALOGUE

There are many places in the script where the dialogue is too on the nose (OTN). Yeah - I know that you are trying to get background and plot points out - but it ends up in dialogue that these characters would not really speak.


You're right -- another area that needs work. With a series, I think get it in my mind that there's more you have to explain, but I was just watching "Fargo" last night and it struck me how much they did by just showing a deflated balloon or a pair of ears cut off in a bucket.  It's a great reminder of how powerful an image can be and what can be conveyed by that single image. The suggestions you make are spot on.



Quoted from eldave1

One last thought. Jake is pretty much the stereotypical bounty hunter. While that makes the script flow (i.e., we already know who he is) it also makes it a bit stale. It might be a bit more interesting if he wasn't run of the mill. Maybe he is a banker type or a sophisticate. Maybe gay - maybe weak of build and relies on his smarts rather than brawn - just a thought to make this something really different.


Good points -- I think as the series develops Jake reveals himself to have a lot of flaws.  I think the effort of the pilot sets you up to think of Jake as a certain type of person and we'll come to find that maybe he's not who we think. At least that's the plan!


Quoted from eldave1

Ooops - one last nit - I think Rachel and Robin are too close in character name - gets a little confusing at first - e.g., Rachel and Charlene - or something like that.


That's funny -- I originally had Robin named something like April, but then I thought the long "a" may it sound like Rachel! I should go back and change it again.


Quoted from eldave1

Overall - I think this displays a lot of talent on your part. You do an outstanding job of interweaving multiple characters, plot points and scene locations without ever causing confusion. Solid effort IMO.


Thanks again, Dave! I greatly appreciate the time you put in looking at this and the great feedback you had -- let me know if I can return the favor!

Gary
Posted by: Equinox, October 21st, 2015, 2:14am; Reply: 7
Hey hawkeye,

I didn't read it completely, just flew over it and read some passages so far. I think this is a really good tv pilot script, the act breaks seem well placed and the twist in the end is a good way to end it. Probably a few too many characters for my taste, so it gets a bit difficult to keep up with who is who, but that's me.

The teaser is great. Act one gives us an idea of who Jake is and what he is doing. Maybe a bit cliché there, especially the dialog with the cop on the phone, which could be copied into any other private detective / headhunter character setup.

Overall this seems like a good read, it's not my genre, so I'll probably not complete it, but I wish you good luck with it.
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 21st, 2015, 9:52am; Reply: 8
Thor, thanks for the read!  No worries about not completing it  -- I'm just glad that overall you liked what you read.  You're probably right about the discussion between Jake and the police sergeant.  I'll take a look at that in the next draft.  Appreciate the input!

Gary
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 21st, 2015, 9:54am; Reply: 9
FYI -- just got word that "Bounty" is a quarterfinalist in the Screencraft TV Pilot competition! Also have gotten a couple of inquiries about the script -- one from out of the country wondering if I could turn this into a feature. Hopefully the script has a future in some format.

Gary
Posted by: eldave1, October 21st, 2015, 10:12am; Reply: 10

Quoted from Gary in Houston
FYI -- just got word that "Bounty" is a quarterfinalist in the Screencraft TV Pilot competition! Also have gotten a couple of inquiries about the script -- one from out of the country wondering if I could turn this into a feature. Hopefully the script has a future in some format.

Gary


Wow - great news! I do think it could work as a feature as well. Best of luck.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 21st, 2015, 10:26am; Reply: 11
Congrats Gary! I got an email from them this morning, but I didn't have time to read the QF list at the time. Cool to know someone from here is on it.  8)
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 21st, 2015, 11:29am; Reply: 12
Thanks Dave and Pia!

Pia, been awhile since we last visited. Hope all is continuing to go well and you're staying super busy with scripts going into production!!

Gary
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 21st, 2015, 6:17pm; Reply: 13
Gary, I'm too busy, but that's good. Keeps the mind sharp'ish. ;D

I had a bidding war going on on Two Psychos and someone offered me a writing assignment for real money. Had to turn it down, but I guess it's still a positive thing to be offered. Will try to concentrate on prose for 2016, see how that goes. Got a pen name too, so if it suck donkey balls, it won't point to me.  :D

What are you up to? :)
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 21st, 2015, 9:46pm; Reply: 14
Pia, busy is good! Better than the alternative.

Good luck with Two Psychol That's great news!

Hoping to get this pilot in the hands of the right people, and I'm starting a second episode just in case anyone asks. And if you start turning down work, send them my way!

Oh, and I'd love to read your prose sometime!
Posted by: TonyDionisio, October 22nd, 2015, 5:22pm; Reply: 15
Gary,

Well weitten.


Pg. 10 Missed a S on the end of throws.

Pg. 13 Just mention debirs, not Yacht Debris.

We find out they are murderous thugs all of a sudden? Kinda weird to see that.

Just say the helicopter is over a debris field.

"The wind generated by the helicopter blades whips the water." Is this important?

"A Coast Guard cutter rests near the area. A dinghy carrying
divers from the cutter pulls to a stop near the wreckage and
the divers enter the water."  Reads awkward.

Pg. 18 and I'm really not sure what this about or who the protag is. I had to go back and look at the logline.

Pg. 20 the whole explaining of the sat phone and then it rings is just too conveinent.

You like your intercuts, I see.

Mid 30s - a lot of dialog. story seems to have stopped a bit.

"Jerod and Rafael sense it’s about to go down and they go for
their weapons." I would avoid stuff like this.

"The element of surprise means it’s over very quickly." Show us how this happens.

I dunno,

Good idea. Poorly executed with way too much tell. I didn't see any characters I wanted to attach to.

GL

Tony
Posted by: Gary in Houston, October 23rd, 2015, 9:51am; Reply: 16
Tony, thanks for taking the time to look over this and your comments, including the corrections that needed to be made.  I'm glad you thought it was well-written and that it was a good idea, and I'll try to work on getting more of the "show" into the script and less of the "tell", as you suggested.

Thanks again!
Gary
Posted by: Gary in Houston, May 22nd, 2016, 3:34pm; Reply: 17
Hey all,

I completely renovated this script and it is (at least in my view) infinitely better now. Lots more fun and action. Some very strong female characters here as well.

Here is a link to the new script:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/htk6l2cphi9x986/Bounty%204.pdf?dl=0

Hope you enjoy!

Gary
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