Hard Luck by Marc Tyler Jr (MarcT) - Action, Adventure - Victor Bailey's normal boring world takes a disastrous turn, after he accidentally kills a hit-man, which forces him to complete a deadly hit list before his family dies next. 107 pages - pdf, format 8)

The first two pages don't sing, writing wise. Story wise it's setting up Victor with life problems. The way it's written makes me hesitate to read more although that is the whole purpose here is to read more and provide feedback. Maybe I'm just cranky cuz I haven't had enough coffee. Some days I have stuff to do and some days I don't and it takes time to read and comment. The premise seems inviting in that a guy has to follow up a hit man's job. Feels a bit unlikely but it's different.

Back to these first two pages. The first slug in the motel doesn't need a city after it. This first scene has:
AN ALARM CLOCK
goes off! It's
5:30 a.m. A HAND smashes the snooze button.

This guy wakes back up? Or are we in Victor's bedroom? If so, put this in Victor's bedroom.

What you are writing is not an exercise in creative writing. It is a script and as a script it is direction for a whole lot of folks to set the visuals up. In this particular instance the set up is the alarm clock. The scene heading tells the alarm clock handler where to put the alarm clock. So is it in the motel or Victor's bedroom. Then we have the hand smash it. I don't think smash is the right word. Smash means break to me. Pressing the snooze alarm is what I do. I don't smash it. So...picky? Maybe, but these kinds of things are important and writing them well is important. Right out of the gate I stopped reading to figure this out. I guarantee this kind of thing is throughout your script, something is going to make me stop reading. You want to eliminate all of those stop reading moments.

Victor placing the note on Jennifer's chest is a nice gesture. The logo thing let's me know something. Although the way it's written slowed me down because it's  like a logo on Jennifer's chest. Is the logo on her t-shirt? Again it's not that I am being picky it's that the writing leads me to see things and the words you use let me see her chest and a logo on it. I can stop and piece it together as I have done but you don't want me to stop and piece it together.

A note how you introduce Victor and Jennifer. Victor is not in parenthesis and Jennifer is. I don't use parenthesis but it didn't bother me, just be consistent.

As he walks towards the bathroom...
VICTOR
I would kill for a day off.

I would kill the line "As he walks toward the bathroom..."

Just cut to the next scene in the bathroom. You don't have to be linear like that. We know he walked to the bathroom when we seem him there.


Jennifer hands him a delicious plate of breakfast. She places another on the table. Their daughter (MADDIE, 8) enters the kitchen.

Jennifer serves breakfast is good enough. delicious plate? She place another on the table. Another what? Plate? Serves breakfast is an action direction we can live with. Don't microdirect.

I would have Maddie already sitting at the table when Daddy walks in.

And here is a time point. If Victor gets up first and does the three S's, then comes downstairs and Jennifer has already cooked breakfast, wasn't she sleeping in bed when Victor got up? An observation is all.

He eyes Jennifer. She just stares. Victor hints towards Maddie and eyes her again. Jennifer grabs his arm and kisses him on the cheek.

What's this all about?

Victor throws his face into his plate as he exits the house

I am not going to comment on this because you should see the problem.

EXT. VICTOR'S HOUSE (BROOKLYN SUBURBS)

EXT. VICTOR'S HOUSE - DAY

Here you can write it's Brooklynn shotgun house or whatever.

As Victor walks out the door, an eviction notice is right there. The amount 26,000$. He snatches it off and whips out his cell phone and makes a call.

An eviction notice for $26,000? That's not how eviction notices are done these days. Maybe a long time ago when the sheriff had to ride out on his horse and nail it to the door. These days it's a lengthy process before notices are posted on the house.


ON PHONE (V.O.) If you're calling this number,
you've probably received some type of payment notice. Unfortunately, I can't reach the phone right now because I'M ON A PERMANENT VACATION! Good luck with your stuff, ummm... my deepest sympathies.. yada yada. Fuck you all and have a good life.

Now this nails it for me. Obvioulsy the guy who posted the notice? This guy is a crook and Victor should go to the police.

Then a few more lines and Victor is late, has food on his face in front of his boss. Is this a comedy? I am not laughing so not a comedy. I don't like Victor because he doesn't seem real he seems like a complete slob and idiot but I don't know, I don't get a feel for Victor.

Okay, skim reading to page 22. I get the gist here and feels a bit like a comedy. Dave is funny. The writing issues I mentioned earlier are all over this so my hunch was correct. Not sure I'll finish this but if I do I'll comment.

If you clean this up it will read better and be more interesting. You use a lot of "eyeing" How do eye someone?

Thanks for your feedback, it really helped. I made the edits.

The following are the real-time thoughts of me (as a reader, though I am also a writer). Don't take anything personally; consider this approximately the reactions an average person would have should they be reading/watching this movie.

First thoughts (pages 1-4):
NO ALARM CLOCKS EVER, it's the most trite element ever used in a screenplay. If you have to do an alarm (and you don't), then at least make it a phone alarm.

Singing seems kinda out of character for Victor, but perhaps you'll play more with this later on. You better not just leave it dangling, because if you don't use it again, it's not worth including the first time.

$26,000 not 26,000$ (this is really frustrating as a writer)

His voice message recording is too long.

When Victor walks in late, he shouldn't ask for a raise. No one does that.

Second thoughts (7 pages in):
Not feeling the hook yet.

What is the mobster connection, why does he actually give Wagner the money in the first place? So many things introduced so quickly with little room to breath and still no hook. You're testing the reader's patience.

Profanity is a little over-used. Save it for moments it really counts.

More coming tomorrow. I need sleep.