Brothers by Catherine Hardin - Short - After ruining their fathers latest project, two brothers face an unexpected punishment ruling the planet Earth. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Catherine.

I’m no expert, I just have my own opinion. Always bear that in mind when reading my thoughts and suggestions. ;-)

That is an interesting logline, it makes me want to read further, which is what all loglines should do!

You’ve already mentioned this is a library in the scene heading, saying it is a large library on the next line is like repeating the information. You can always say it is a large library in the scene heading.

The description of the scene is very well written from a prose point of view, for a screenplay it doesn’t need to be so precise. In fact, being too precise can put off potential producers.

Try to avoid things like ‘We hear’ and ‘we see’. There’s no rules saying you can’t do this, it’s just things like this can take the reader out of the story.  

The dialogue feels unnatural. It all seems to be aimed at telling the audience something instead of two boys playing.

Final Draft defaults to Auto Continues on, which can be very distracting. There’s an option to turn them off.

The story itself is predictable (especially as the logline gives away the ending) but at least it is an alternate stab at a creation mythology. At the moment this feels much more suited for a short story. The idea of the Keepers, the clockwork globes; these all hint at a much larger and richer tale. It has great potential for a novel, as a screenplay I’m not so sure.

Best of luck with it.

-Mark

Catherine,

Comments come in all colors.  Enjoy.

First page.  Kakos is in black, right?  not back.

i'm should be I'm

The story of the earth and its imperfections.  Not bad for what it does.  The ending is pretty much guessable.  Otherwise, I'll buy it.  Dialogue needs some work, some punch.  

Best
Richard