Penance by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A man's past affair returns to bite him in the ass. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Richard - all in all a nice effort here. Well written.

First - the nit issues:

Quoted Text Under a bright sun, ED, 60, pads on knees, pulls weeds from a bed of bright flowers. Behind him, a sheriff cruiser pulls into the drive of this upper middle class home. Ed, a man with middle age spread, stands and removes his gloves as SHERIFF TATE, 40, skinny and bald, slips out of the cruiser

I think it would read crisper to combine the descriptions of Ed into one spot. e.g.,

Under a bright sun, ED, 60, with middle age spread, .....

Quoted Text CLAIRE Did I tell you I went to a psychic after you left? CLAIRE Of course not, we didn’t talk. Well, she told me, straight out told me that you would never leave Alice, not ever. She said you and Alice shared too much baggage from earlier lives. You were bound to each other. ED A psychic? Really?

I got confused in the above exchange - could be it's just the way the page broke between Claires' dialogue. Anyway - i was a slight hiccup for me - I think it reads better without the question. e.g., Claire just says - I went to a psychic.

Quoted Text CLAIRE I’ll make is seem like a lifetime.

I think you mean "it" rather then "is"

In terms of the story:

SPOILERS AHEAD

Take these with a grain of salt as they are just opinions:

Don't know if it was me or not - but Claire is the villain can be seen coming a mile away. I guess that is not good or bad - but there wasn't a surprise element there for me.

Claire's dialogue (voice) gets to eccentric for me too early. I think at least for the first few pages she is there we need to see more of what Ed was attracted to in the first place. Ed needs to be more interested - into her - early and slowly get the sense of - oops - something ain't right here.

Not crazy about the ending. The gal offed his wife and has him framed for it - not sure ending with a kiss is the way too go.

An alternative for consideration - have the Sheriff taping the conversation inside the house. In the opening scene - the Sheriff could ask Ed something akin to - and there is no one that wanted Alice gone - Ed could say no - and then think - well one - but that was a decade ago - and then the light bulb goes off.

Best of luck.

Hi Richard, think I owe you a read or seven!

I don't think the logline does the story justice, it implies comedy when this plays as a drama... I'd revise to bring it to life a little.

There's a moment of ED that is VO... I think it may not meant to be...

The story takes an interesting premise and explores it nicely, I figured out what was happening relatively early BUT it still played out as I wanted it to.

At the moment though I think it's a little linear, I wonder if it could be switched up a little if Ed initially starts flirting with Claire, she responds to eagerly and he backs off because it's only been 6 months... then Claire details what she's done.

The only other thing that threw me a little was she's left it ten years to do anything about it... if her passion raged so strongly wouldn't she have acted sooner?

Anyway, enjoyed the script, well paced and a little different.

Anthony

All,

thanks for the comments.  I happen to agree that Ed's response may be too fast, but I was trying to keep this 'short'.  I'll have to relook how quickly he jumps.

As far as 10 years go, I like to think Claire is bright enough to put time between the affair and the murder.  What detective is going to investigate a 10-year-old affair?  

Thank you very much.

Best

Richard

Hey Richard,

This is smartly played and I enjoyd it for the most part. Few gripes though:

I dont think that the first scene with sheriff and Ed is nessessary. Im not sure if you need Sheriff in it at all.

I didnt get jow he was supposed to collect insurance through his friend. The part about Woody went over my head.

And I didnt get Eds sudden change of heart. I think you need another punch at the end.

Good luck to you with it, its an enjoyable read overall nonetheless.

Thanks for the comment.  I am a bit conflicted with the opening scene.  I like that it frames Ed's loss.  Without it, Claire's admissions might seem like so much joking.  But I understand the comment.  

Best
Richard

Richard,

Liked this. Especially the opening scene. For a script of mostly Ed and Claire's unraveling dialogue, I think it sets the scene nicely -- surroundings, backstory, etc. It's really the onlyu time in the script we get that.

I think the story is good, but feel it needs something more. I feel Claire, through her dialogue, could be a little more diabolical than she comes off. We know she did something bad, but it could use a little oomph. Also, Ed could be a little less unwilling to go along with Claire even though she's got him by the balls and he knows it. Even a line from Ed like -- "You crazy bitch," might go a long way here. But nicely done as is really.

Steve

Also I read back through the dialogue. Since they're sitting on the back porch would they possibly be seeing something going on that kind of mirrors the situation unfolding? A metaphor, perhaps, such as a bird plucking a worm from the soil. Just a thought.  :)

Steve