Antagonist by Brandon Saunders - Drama, Crime - Three small time mobsters take it into their own hands when it comes time to exterminate a threat. 96 pages - pdf, format 8)

I think I got to page 15 and while the dialogue is interesting to a point, it doesn't really have a point and by the time page 15 rolls around all they've done is talk about stuff. I guess this would work for a tv show where you get episodes to learn details about people, maybe, I don't know. In addition it seems when Barks is talking about the dick sticker, Oliver sounds the same speaking about the zombie shotgun. Maybe they are Darrel and Darrel types.

Hey mate,

Cheers for the feedback. Will definitely take that into account. Don't want to lose the readers by page 15  :X haha.

All the best.

Hey Brandon:

Maybe it's just me, I think you should punch up the logline a bit.

Quoted Text Three small time mobsters take it into their own hands when it comes time to exterminate a threat.

This is pretty pedestrian. Mobsters, pretty much by definition, take it into their own hands to exterminate threats. There is no hook here.

Your opening:

There are several character traits that are typically unfilmable (in bold) - those traits should be demonstrated in action and dialogue and deleted from your description.

Also - since you have the scene heading is INT you do not need to tell us it is inside in your first line of description.

Quoted Text INT. MICKY’S OFFICE - DAY Inside which looks to be a gangster’s personal office. A Mexican standoff involving four men is in full motion: OLIVER, BARKS, MICKY DEE and RONNIE. Oliver, late 20’s, tall, well built with slicked back hair and a ’I don’t give a damn’ attitude- His little brother: Barks, early 20’s, short, kind of stocky but I wouldn’t say fat. Micky Dee, the head honcho of the mobsters that run the town. He is in his late 60’s and very mercurial; Not a man to get on the wrong side of. Ronnie, early 40’s, Micky Dee’s right hand man. Ronnie is your typical looking go-getter. He wears a suit and is as loyal as a dog. His hair is always in pristine condition. Barks has his shotgun to Ronnie, Ronnie has his pistol pointing at Oliver, Oliver has his shotgun squared up on Micky Dee and Micky Dee has his pistol aimed up on Barks. There is one dead body at the feet of Oliver.

You do have a very complex task here - that is too simultaneously introduce 4 characters as well as the action. I had to read a couple of times to get it in my mind's eye what was going on. Perhaps it would be clearer if you wrote it in sequential order. e.g., something like:

INT. MICKY’S OFFICE - DAY

A Mexican standoff involving four men is in full motion:

OLIVER, late 20’s, tall, well built with slicked back
hair points his shotgun at:

MICKY DEE, late 60’s, scars on his face - clenched teeth as he points his pistol at:

BARKS, early 20's, short and stocky - standing closet to Oliver. Barks steadies his shotgun against:

RONNIE, early 40’s, wearing an expensive suit, not a hair out of place - looks more banker than mobster. Ronnie points a pistol directly back at Oliver.


Anyway - the words aren't important - I just think it might read clearer if the characters and their actions were introduced at the same time.

Good luck with this.

Quoted from eldave1 Hey Brandon: Maybe it's just me, I think you should punch up the logline a bit. This is pretty pedestrian. Mobsters, pretty much by definition, take it into their own hands to exterminate threats. There is no hook here.

Cheers. I'll definitely look into that

Quoted from eldave1 You do have a very complex task here - that is too simultaneously introduce 4 characters as well as the action. I had to read a couple of times to get it in my mind's eye what was going on. Perhaps it would be clearer if you wrote it in sequential order. e.g., something like: INT. MICKY’S OFFICE - DAY A Mexican standoff involving four men is in full motion: OLIVER, late 20’s, tall, well built with slicked back hair points his shotgun at: MICKY DEE, late 60’s, scars on his face - clenched teeth as he points his pistol at: BARKS, early 20's, short and stocky - standing closet to Oliver. Barks steadies his shotgun against: RONNIE, early 40’s, wearing an expensive suit, not a hair out of place - looks more banker than mobster. Ronnie points a pistol directly back at Oliver. Anyway - the words aren't important - I just think it might read clearer if the characters and their actions were introduced at the same time. Good luck with this.

THANK YOU! I was reading over this yesterday and I was completely stumped at how to make it read better. Haha.

Cheers for the feedback mate!

Quoted from BSaunders Cheers. I'll definitely look into that THANK YOU! I was reading over this yesterday and I was completely stumped at how to make it read better. Haha. Cheers for the feedback mate!

You are welcome - best of luck

Hey Brandon!

Going with what eldave1 was telling you, my major take away from this script is there is A LOT of telling. If this is a feature script, the first thing I'm looking for is things that can be shot, not described. I need to see things that are HAPPENING, seeing characters ACTING. I made it to the section of the script where JACKIE CHAN calls CARMODY until it lost me. Your opening is diluted with a lot of unshootable descriptions, but otherwise it seemingly doesn't have anything to do with the next two or three scenes, so I don't see the point of including it.

When revising your script, some key things to look into are: setting, conflict, action, and character. What can be happening in each scene that engages the reader? What time period does this take place, in what city, and how can this be used to create situations for your script? Instead of describing characters' traits, how can I show them? If I were to look at this script again, I would need to see a better transition from the opening into the next scene. I'll leave some other thoughts here, but rooting for you on your revisions.

-Conversations between the room and the car and very dialogue heavy, dull, and long. Is this necessary? Can this conversation be compiled into one scene?
-Don't use transitions unless necessary. Unless you're the director, people will understand when and where to use these.
-Readers and viewers can't smell, they can only see. So don't tell us we can smell debauchery.
-Guys really like to flip tables, but maybe you can mix it up now and then?
-Is Mr. Pellar carrying a knife or a machete? He can't have both....or can he? Your call, but say what it really is.

Quoted from BradK Hey Brandon! Going with what eldave1 was telling you, my major take away from this script is there is A LOT of telling. If this is a feature script, the first thing I'm looking for is things that can be shot, not described. I need to see things that are HAPPENING, seeing characters ACTING. I made it to the section of the script where JACKIE CHAN calls CARMODY until it lost me. Your opening is diluted with a lot of unshootable descriptions, but otherwise it seemingly doesn't have anything to do with the next two or three scenes, so I don't see the point of including it. When revising your script, some key things to look into are: setting, conflict, action, and character. What can be happening in each scene that engages the reader? What time period does this take place, in what city, and how can this be used to create situations for your script? Instead of describing characters' traits, how can I show them? If I were to look at this script again, I would need to see a better transition from the opening into the next scene. I'll leave some other thoughts here, but rooting for you on your revisions. -Conversations between the room and the car and very dialogue heavy, dull, and long. Is this necessary? Can this conversation be compiled into one scene? -Don't use transitions unless necessary. Unless you're the director, people will understand when and where to use these. -Readers and viewers can't smell, they can only see. So don't tell us we can smell debauchery. -Guys really like to flip tables, but maybe you can mix it up now and then? -Is Mr. Pellar carrying a knife or a machete? He can't have both....or can he? Your call, but say what it really is.

Cheers man!

Appreciate the feedback.  :)

Cheers for the feedback everyone! I have read through and edited alot. I cut the dialogue in half and tried to make the descriptions more clear and actions more active.  

This is a preview of the laundomat scene after I edited it.

Am I on the right track?



INT. LAUNDROMAT (BACKROOM) - CONTINUOUS

Under dim lights, three TRIAD GANGSTERS count a mountain of money on a card table. Nothing but black lycra pants dress all three men.

CRAPPY DISCO MUSIC blares from a shitty little beat box up the back and GAY MALE PORN screens on a freestanding television in the corner. Sex tools cover the walls.

TRIAD ONE does the honors and attends to the KNOCKS on the door.

GIVEN THE BOOT from outside - the door CRASHES down. Triad One falls FLAT ON HIS ASS.

Oliver BURSTS through with his shotgun. Followed by Barks and Mr. Pellar.

TRIAD TWO leaps from his chair in an attempt to grab his gun on a table that sits two meters away.

Barks catches him in the act and SHOTGUNS him dead.

BARKS
(to Mr. Pellar and Oliver)
What kind of people does this asshole associate with?

Oliver flicks his gun at Triad One as if to say "get your ass on that seat". Oliver does not take an eye off Triad One as he ANXIOUSLY takes a seat in between his dead and alive cohorts.

Oliver turns OFF the music and gay porn and LURKS behind the remaining two Triads like a predator desperately wanting to pounce.

Mr. Pellar lowers his gun and takes stance right in front of the two Triads.

Barks watches over, shotgun aimed at both the men.

Hard to comment out of context - but my hundred thousand foot view is:

1. All in all not a bad read and much better than what I read before.

2. I think this scene:

Should be:

Quoted Text INT. LAUNDROMAT (BACKROOM) - CONTINUOUS

INT. LAUNDROMAT/BACKROOM - CONTINUOUS

3. A couple of over use of CAPS I think: i.e.,

Quoted Text CRAPPY DISCO MUSIC blares from a shitty little beat box up the

I think should be crappy DISCO MUSIC (not sure you need crappy - isn't all disco crappy? :)

I also don't think you need CAPS for:

GAY MALE PORNS .

GIVEN THE BOOT

FLAT ON HIS ASS.

Oliver BURSTS

SHOTGUNS him dead.

as he ANXIOUSLY takes a seat

Get others views on this is mine may be somewhere narrow.  Yes, CAPS are to be used when you want to draw special attention to something (like a sound). The key word there being "special". If you use them everywhere - then nothing is special and they tend to disrupt the flow of the story. I try to limit them.

Again - seek advice from others is this is really a style choice.

I think you are making nice progress

Quoted from eldave1 Hard to comment out of context - but my hundred thousand foot view is: 1. All in all not a bad read and much better than what I read before. 2. I think this scene: Should be: INT. LAUNDROMAT/BACKROOM - CONTINUOUS 3. A couple of over use of CAPS I think: i.e., I think should be crappy DISCO MUSIC (not sure you need crappy - isn't all disco crappy? :) I also don't think you need CAPS for: GAY MALE PORNS . GIVEN THE BOOT FLAT ON HIS ASS. Oliver BURSTS SHOTGUNS him dead. as he ANXIOUSLY takes a seat Get others views on this is mine may be somewhere narrow.  Yes, CAPS are to be used when you want to draw special attention to something (like a sound). The key word there being "special". If you use them everywhere - then nothing is special and they tend to disrupt the flow of the story. I try to limit them. Again - seek advice from others is this is really a style choice. I think you are making nice progress

Thanks again mate. Good to hear I've made progress!

And yes. All disco music is crappy, haha. Might change to dubstep