Hey Jeremy, I liked the log line despite the slight convolution, and read what I could. Here's what I thought.
When we first get introduced to Dan and Whitney via pictures, I think there should be a more physical description. I get what's going on, but since this is solely focusing on the image of their faces, it'll benefit you to flesh those out more.
pg. 1:
Quoted Text ((think Anton Yelchin) |
one too many parentheses
At this point, I don't understand why the photos montage had to be the introduction. I think the filming of the movie, despite its clichedness, should be the more energetic opening to the story. I understand that the pictures introduce us to the protagonist and his love interest (and stake), but be mindful of how the story flows. In my opinion, this is unnecessary.
pg. 2:
Quoted Text DAN
Okay, guys, we’re on a shoe string
budget. Let’s go again. Owen, don’t talk. Talking zombies suck. |
"we're on a shoe string budget" doesn't sound like something a director would say to a crew in the middle of filming. It's throwing the details at our face.
Quoted Text
A CREEPY GUY in a baseball cap, trench coat, sneakers and nothing else steps up to the counter.
CREEPY GUY Where are the condoms?
DAN
For fuck's sake. Cut!
LATER
The Creepy Guy walks out of the store with a bag of condoms.
DAN
I know it’s later than we thought
we’d be shooting, but let’s get a few more takes. We can do this. Lizzie?
|
I liked this a lot. Great moment.
Quoted Text
DAN I love you.
WHITNEY
You said that already.
DAN
Well, I'm saying it again. Whitney,
I love you.
Whitney pulls away from him, turns the music off.
WHITNEY
Dan, are you coming out? I know
they say better late than never, but...
|
This kind of took me out of it. It comes out of left-field and doesn't make much sense. I'm not sure what you're going for, at first I assumed Whitney was saying this tongue-in-cheek, but now I have no idea.
Quoted Text DAN
Sure. If no one posts any cat
videos.
WHITNEY You are so screwed.
DAN I know.
WHITNEY
I ran into Amber today. Word on the
street is that she still has feelings for you.
|
Another weird transition in the conversation.
Quoted Text
DAN Hi, Mr. Cedars!
Whitney hits his shoulder.
WHITNEY
And I was just leaving. Yes, Sir.
You too. Bye. She puts her phone away.
DAN
You think he knew I was here?
|
Okay, I don't think Dan would be this dumb. Unless that's the character you were going for, but I don't think that's the case.
Quoted Text WHITNEY
Yeah. You know how strict my dad
is. He says he's fine, but he never got over my mom's death. |
Too loaded and expositional.
Sidenote: Lizzie is great. Not too three-dimensional and seems to just embrace an archetype (at this point in the script) but everything that comes out of her mouth is gold. I love it.
Quoted Text LANESSEM, a Criss Angel wanna-be, rocks out. He's in the middle of an awesome guitar solo. |
Nice.
Quoted Text Lanessem dances, puts a hand on his crotch. He removes his hand, revealing a huge boner. A row of women faint. |
Would a boner really cause these people to react that way in this type of concert? I'd assume they'd actually be all for it.
Other than that, this whole introduction to Lanessem is really entertaining. Good, cheesy, gory stuff. I liked it a lot. A kickass way to make the villain burst onto the scene.
Got to page 15. All-in-all, I see a lot in this. Some little things here and there, but already some really funny stuff going on. I hope you do well with this.