Lucked Out by K. K. Ba - Thriller - A delinquent teen witnesses a murder and gets seen by the killer – a mobster who'd died publicly days earlier – Now she's being hunted by the cops and the killer for a crime she didn't commit. 100 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi,

Read the beginning, then flipped to the end. Polished. Wondering why you didn't get more reads other than haven't seen your name around here before. Suggest showing up and participating on the boards.

So, beginning with the logline, I'd like to see you include more urgency about what the teen needs to accomplish. Not easy,  I know.

Again, the story and writing appears quite polished  but also "complicated" if you get my drift?

Tony

Agreed

KK, did you post this for exposure or feedback?

Thanks Tony and Cloroxmartini for your feedback...much appreciated.

Tony you made several astute observations about both the logline and the story. I cycled through several versions of the logline before deciding on the current one, but as you pointed out there's ample room for improvement such as implied urgency.

As for the story...yeah it does seem somewhat complicated (despite the fact this is a much simplified version from the original). Guess I will have to find a way to resolve that issue somehow (sigh...no pain no gain).

In answer to cloroxmartini's query "was this for exposure or feedback" I guess the simple answer is both.

And YES I know I need to participate more in the discussion boards - which is the plan - it's just that my day job doing community health work in rural Uganda prevents me from being online as much as I'd like to.

That said I did download a number of unproduced scripts the day I uploaded this with the intention of reading and reviewing them but then life got a bit hectic.

But as they say 'you gotta give to get'.

Cheers, Ba