Crazier Than You by Richard Russell - Short, Dramedy - Couple good ole boys go out for an afternoon of target practice.  What could go wrong? 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Richard - I liked this for the most part. Much of my reaction is in the NIT level.  - but since my synapses connected, I thought I would pass them along anyway.

NIT ALERT

Quoted Text ROB, 25, jeans, tee, baseball cap turned backwards and boots, a pinch of snuff under his lip, pure country, picks the rifle off the hood of a pickup and turns to DONNY, 25, dressed almost the same and holding his own rifle

Sentence was a bit long (I told you these were nits) - I think you should break it. e.g.,

ROB, 25, jeans, tee, baseball cap turned backwards and boots,
a pinch of snuff under his lip, pure country, picks the rifle
off the hood of a pickup. He turns to DONNY, 25, dressed
almost the same and holding his own rifle

Quoted Text A bright, sun-filled afternoon out in the sticks. to one side, a boom box plays country music.

I like this - but I think it needs to be moved up to the front of the scene. i.e., if the boombox is playing - we should be hearing it when the scene opens. Something like:

Looking down a rifle barrel targeted on a soup can sitting on
a fence 20 yards away. Country music emanates from an unseen boombox.

Not exactly artful wording on my part - but the point being - if there is music - we should hear it right off.

Quoted Text DONNY What about that time you me and Corine went over the damn in that little raft? Water tore off her bikini and nearly drowned us. That was a sight to behold.

A suggestion:

DONNY
What about that time you me and
Corine went over the damn in that
little raft? Water tore off her
bikini.

ROB
Yep, that was almost worth drowning for.

Quoted Text Rob grabs a beer as Donny FIRES. Another can shot off the fence. Rob pops a beer from the cooler and grabs one for Donny as Cheryl Sue slides out of the lawn chair and grabs her own rifle from the truck bed. She’s one hot babe.

I got a little confused here. Seems like Rob goes to the cooler twice for his beer. Might read clearer as:

Rob grabs a beer from the cooler as Donny FIRES. Another can shot off the
fence.

Rob pops open his beer and grabs another one for Donny.....

SPOILER

The ending - not crazy about it.  There is an implication that she has a relationship with Rob and - with out anything else (motivation, insanity - something) - her reaction seems out of place with the event.

A suggestion. Corine says something like - I warned him not to fuck around with Corine. She hands Donny the rifle and says - I guess I'm crazier than both of you. OR - maybe the way she has it but after she kills Rob and says I guess he is crazier then you - Don kisses Corine and says something akin to - and dumber too.

There are many possibilities - the one you had didn't strike me.

Anyway - like I said - well done - these are just nits for consideration.

Hey Rich, a few thoughts, juts my opinions of course...

Logline - missing an of? or an o'

A punch of snuff under his lip... normal snuff is inhaled... assume you mean moist snuff/dipping tobacco? might be worth clarifying, especially for brits like me ;-)

The interplay between the chracters is decent, but i think you could drop one or two of the stories.

Cheryl Sue feels underused, she could/should say more, call bullshit on the boys some.

Overall I liked this though.

Anthony

Hello Richard.

I enjoyed reading over your short and agree mostly with what the others had to say.

As I was reading, I found myself guessing how one of them would end up shot. When Rob tries to keep the other chick from being talked about, I figured, this must lead to Rob getting shot, but in the end I'm left unsure.

Now, that could be how you wanted to leave it, which is cool either way I like the fact you leave us left with that question.

But, it also makes me think, how much more stronger would the ending be, if it was made known in some way that Cheryl is angry and going to shoot Rob.

Just some thoughts I had...

Overall I think this is well written and I agree with much of the comments before me.

Here are my insights:

THE WRITING

Page 1.

"Looking down a rifle barrel targeted on a soup can sitting on a fence 20 yards away."

"Looking down" is off and some terms are passive. I would have instead:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY - SCOPE MATTE

"A soup can is on target, as it sits on a fence 20 yards away."

Notice how I handle the "tunnel vision" shot in the slug? And the absence of the passive words "targeted" and "sitting"? You can replace "SCOPE MATTE" with "RIFLE BARREL P.O.V." or "TUNNEL VISION" etc, etc.

I don't see a problem with there being no description of the boom box playing until further down the page, I can see (or hear) the music playing once the location is properly established.

More passive words on page 1:

"knocked", "placing", "aiming" and "drinking".

There are a few to none on the later pages...

I also feel the use of "(cont'd)" is unesccasary when a character speaks multiple times in a row.

And finally, "damn" should be spelled "dam".

Page 2.

"ROB
(so only Donny can here)"

Should be:

"ROB
(Whispering)"

or

"ROB
(Hushed tone)"

etc, etc.

Page 4.

When Rob is shot is it supposed to read "Donny gasps"?

Apart from that as far as I'm concerned, good job.

STORY

I can't add much to the other comments, I agree Cheryl should have more of a role, there should be more foreshadowing and the ending needs to be fixed up a little.

Also, is it necessary for each of them to have their own rifle? In terms of filming I would consider it unecessary.

All,

Thanks much for the comments.  I agree that Cheryl Sue should have a bit more of a role, and that her relationship to Rob should be more explicit.  The errors are from writing this very quickly.  I had the title roiling around inside my head,and I had to get the story out.  My bad.

Again, thanks much.

best
Richard

I you manage to rewrite the script do post it up again.

Richard,

I agree with what the others have said about the writing issues. The only thing I’d add is the CONT’D’s were a bit distracting. Final Draft defaults to them on, which is annoying, I always switch them off in the options but that’s just my personal taste.

-Mark

Overall I found it pretty enjoyable. I don't really have much to add, but since I might loosely qualify as a New England redneck, I figure I'd throw in my two cents on the chewing tobacco.

I agree with Anthony about possibly rewording the "pinch of snuff under his lip". This is strictly my own subjective personal preference. For what it's worth  I  think something along the lines of "a wad of dip" or "a wad chewing tobacco" (if the term dip is something that you think most readers won't be familiar with) might work. You might also give your reader a more direct visual if "under his lip" was tweaked to a description of how the dip makes a portion of the lower lip area jut out a bit in like a lump.

This is just a stray thought, but if you try and drink while your actually dipping (with the chewing tobacco in), you will get nauseous and possibly a bit dizzy (vomiting is not entirely out of the question either). This is something which could possibly throw off Cheryl Sue's aim (it also is a bit crazy to do since it means your pretty much swallowing the tobacco juice and saliva that you should be spitting  out).

In any case, it's just something you might want to chew over if your looking to revise some of it.

This reminds me of an example I read about descriptions. Instead of describing in detail what they wear (are wearing) you could simply call them rednecks, and for the girl add 'complete with daisy dukes.'

The story itself seems like a commentary on guns more than being crazy, so, considering my avatar, you might guess my take on that ;-)