The Fisherman's Wife - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, October 11th, 2015, 9:01am

The Fisherman's Wife by George ve Gänæaard - Short, Drama - When a teenage Japanese girl celebrating her Seijin no Hi is introduced to the man her parents demand her to marry, she runs away in Canada with a struggling artist. 20 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, October 11th, 2015, 2:20pm; Reply: 1

Hi George

I started this but the opening is problematic and needs some work, here's some pointers...

1) Your opening para is described as INT. TOKYO HOUSE, but details the entire house, 7-8 rooms, 3 bathrooms etc. This is a script so you have to be in a room or show movement between them if you want your audience to understand and SEE how many rooms there are.
2) You describe the characters before they actually arrive.
3) Your describe FATHER as 'the owner of a huge Japanese...' this is completely unfilmable as there no way to show that he owns a company in the way you've written it.
4) You describe the family as returning from Seijin no Hi... how can we tell this from what we are seeing on screen?
5) The Japanese references, Seijin no Hi, kofurisode, ofurisode etc all very authentic but your average reader will not know what they are, and will have to Google and interrupt the read, I suggest explanatory text, e.g. ofurisode (a type of kimono) or something like that
6) If you have a scene with people in the living room then make the slug INT. LIVING ROOM
7) How can we know they are waiting for a chaji? We can if you write something about them being surrounded by the paraphernalia of the tea ceremony, then we can SEE that this is what's happening.

I stopped after a page or so as it was difficult to follow due to the above.

I think the key to remember is to describe what the audience can see, or alternatively turn it into a short story.

Hope above helps some

Anthony

Posted by: RichardR, October 12th, 2015, 2:11pm; Reply: 2

Posted by: SteveT, October 13th, 2015, 4:33pm; Reply: 3

I have to agree with the previous posts. This script needs a lot of work. Chiyoko comes off as being completely immature. It's hard to understand why Saburo would agree to go to Toronto with her and leave his more mature girlfriend behind. There's need to be much more character development to this story.

Posted by: nemo, October 16th, 2015, 1:29am; Reply: 4

Good start and interesting log line. Remember that screenplays are written for a visual medium. So don't tell us whats going on, show us. Remember you are writing everything for the camera. Keep writing!

Nemo

Posted by: SilvaSly104, October 18th, 2015, 1:30pm; Reply: 5

As a person who is a fan of Japanese cinema and anything Japanese related, I was enthusiastic to read this script. Somehow it fell a little bit short for me, as I could not connect with any of the characters in the story. I was initially drawn in at the beginning when you introduced us into Chiyoko and Saburo's worlds and their frustrations at which their point in lives had reached.

But as a reviewer above mentioned, it does not make any sense why two complete strangers would suddenly run off to a different continent on a whim immediately after they met. It could have worked if this had been approached with more detail into Chiyoko and Saburo's relationship. The initial meet-up was nicely written, but in my opinion, maybe they needed more of these meet-ups in order to develop a more better rapport with each other before embarking on their journey.

Things I do like are the title and the logline...these immediately drew me to read the script. As I mentioned, I am a fan of anything Japanese, so reading some of the Japanese references in your script was easy for me to understand, but may not be easy for other readers who have no idea what you are talking about. I concur with another reviewer that it might be prudent to include a little description of what those Japanese references mean.

Great attempt, George, but this might need some more tightening up. I have high hopes for this script.