I think it would be nice to have a place where folks could just post Log Lines for review and feedback. I struggle with these and I have seen some pretty bad ones lately.

Good call for this thread. I think there was one before, but who cares. We can re invent.

Few around here feel confident on this topic, me included.

So far what I have learn is;

1) has to be 27 words...except for those that need more  :o

2) it's fine to use. a short form for known films, but then knock those that seem bland that need more words.

3) I know bugger all..always... :D

4) coverage seems to provide a much longer logline that the pro advice...yet they are pro... ::)

I'm torn. :P

Short and sweet is sound...gives direction. Something I need. That's good.

Word count..that seems wrong.

I'm here to learn, let's see what happens here. :o

I'll start. Just wrote this for The Last Statesman.

Logline: A cranky, elderly Los Angeles politician begins acting crazy in order to draw media attention to an important issue. This puts the political career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk.

Comments?

And this one for The Beginning of The End and The End.

EMILY, a true love believing marriage counselor, gets ensnared in the battle of the offices when George, an arrogant and jaded divorce attorney moves into the next to hers. Their battles result in them both discovering something they were not looking for.  

Is this comedy or what? I cannot tell by that logline. If it was...you could do this:

"PoliFIX"
A disgruntled retired politician fakes autism to prove vaccinations are unsafe and must be stopped by his estranged son who's running for the Senate.

On the other hand...the things I find that need work with your logline is:
--Need to feel the genre.
--acting crazy--HOW? Is he gambling? Is he faking sickness? Acting crazy isn't enough for me in a log line.
--'an important issue'?? What important issue? Too vague...leaves me asking questions and not in a good way.

Good things:
You have the conflict between the father/son there

Just needs a little more work IMO. :)

I will work with your comments- exactly the type of input I was looking for - thanks

Quoted from eldave1 And this one for The Beginning of The End and The End. EMILY, a true love believing marriage counselor, gets ensnared in the battle of the offices when George, an arrogant and jaded divorce attorney moves into the next to hers. Their battles result in them both discovering something they were not looking for.

Dave, the beginning of this one is a mouthful, and the rest actually now I look at. And 'battle of the offices'? I read your script a while back and it's a terrific rom/com/drama - this logline doesn't do it justice. To put it down to 'offices'? Nah, that's just the mechanics of some of the plot.

A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant and jaded divorce lawyer rents an office next door to a heartbroken marriage counselor.  

Play around with something like that.

P.S.
Tagline
Could this be a recipe for disaster, or a match made in heaven?

P.P.S. I'm always wary when writing a logline that I don't put a conclusion in. We get the gist of what's going to happen here, after all it is romantic comedy, but you want to tease your audience.

Quoted from LC Dave, the beginning of this one is a mouthful, and the rest actually now I look at. And 'battle of the offices'? I read your script a while back and it's a terrific rom/com/drama - this logline doesn't do it justice. To put it down to 'offices'? Nah, that's just the mechanics of some of the plot. A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant and jaded divorce lawyer rents an office next door to a heartbroken marriage counselor.   Play around with something like that. P.S. Tagline Could this be a recipe for disaster, or a match made in heaven? P.P.S. I'm always wary when writing a logline that I don't put a conclusion in. We get the gist of what's going to happen here, after all it is romantic comedy, but you want to tease your audience.

This is fabulous stuff- love your thoughts here - this is whySS rocks

Ooh, I'm glad that last one came in handy, Dave. :)

Re The Last Statesman, I'm on the back foot with this one and like Deena I'm a little in the dark with the level of crazy, and the genre... but I suppose 'crazy' is crazy:

Perhaps you can muck about with one of these:

A politician with a personal vendetta/an agenda starts acting crazy to garner media attention, inadvertently throwing his son's career (as Governor Of California) into jeopardy.


In an effort to draw media attention for his own cause, the crazy antics of a career politician inadvertently threaten to derail his son's political career.


A cranky old career politician with an agenda starts acting in an erratic way, threatening to derail his own son's position as Governor Of California.

Mind you, from whose point of view is this story being told? And is it a comedy, drama, thriller etc. If it's from the point of view of the son:

John Smith (even though we're supposed to keep names out of it) has just been sworn in as the thirty-ninth Governor Of California. Now his father's crazy antics threaten to topple (eject, throw him out of the top job) him from the top job.


And of course, outcome, without giving away the ending, and to set tone:

with hilarious consequences (this one's subjective to the reader/viewer, really, so maybe not)
with devastating personal consequences
with dire consequences

Just stay away from: 'gets more than he/she bargains for' imh - I can't believe some writers still use that one.

Finally, it might be a good idea to state the genre when you're posting the logline for those of us who aren't overly familiar with the particular script, if not obvious.

Hey eldave,

Quoted Text A cranky, elderly Los Angeles politician begins acting crazy in order to draw media attention to an important issue. This puts the political career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk.

I'd say tighten it up a bit. He draws media attention to an important issue? Which one? What about this:

In order to put ->insert issue<- in the spotlight, a cranky, old politician goes crazy and puts his son's career as governor of California at risk.

I got to agree with pale yellow, sounds like some comedy script to me.

Three years in a row I crashed and burned in the movie poet logline and title competition, I really can't lecture anyone, but I'm open to learn.

Below are two loglines for my script -  the Memory Map - which I throw out for folk to consider. The first is the coverage report logline, the next my reduced version.  I'm not saying which is better, it's more a case of sharing with SS. One aspect we need consider is how much detail to add and I never seem to get it right. :'(

Coverage

After a traumatic undercover mission, a British intelligence agent goes on the run and must undergo an unorthodox new medical procedure in order to unlock a part of her memory that holds the key to her own survival. 38 words.

Mine

After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory 28 words

Eldave - I think Libby came up with some good suggestions above. Like others the start of the last statesman seem clunky and also imprecise.

Happy to comment on others.

Good suggestion...

"A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant and jaded divorce lawyer rents an office next door to a heartbroken marriage counselor".  

But could heartbroken, become 'upbeat'? Or something similar so it plays off the jaded?

Quoted from eldave1 I'll start. Just wrote this for The Last Statesman. Logline: A cranky, elderly Los Angeles politician begins acting crazy in order to draw media attention to an important issue. This puts the political career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk. Comments?

Hey David,

I've read both of your scripts – good luck with the Page competition! IMO, "The Last Statesman" may do even better than the romantic comedy did last year.

Here's why I think you need to rewrite your logline, though. The dramatic question is whether or not Lowell is going to achieve his goal – not what's going to happen with his son's political career (an important part of the story, of course, but not what the story is mainly about). With this logline, someone might even think (as "pale yellow" did) that the main conflict is between Lowell and his son. Clearly not the case here.

What about something like this? "A frustrated, cranky politician, father of the Governor of California, acts bananas in order to draw attention to what he sees as his last chance for a real social contribution."

Just an idea. Again, good luck with this!

Quoted from LC Re The Last Statesman, I'm on the back foot with this one and like Deena I'm a little in the dark with the level of crazy, and the genre... but I suppose 'crazy' is crazy:

Point well taken and something that needs addressing. This is a toughie because the genre is dramedy. There are dramatic elements (e.g., dealing with a severe illness) as well as comedic ones. I almost want to start the logline with "a dramedy that....." - but think that is cheating.  

Quoted from LC Perhaps you can muck about with one of these: A politician with a personal vendetta/an agenda starts acting crazy to garner media attention, inadvertently throwing his son's career (as Governor Of California) into jeopardy. In an effort to draw media attention for his own cause, the crazy antics of a career politician inadvertently threaten to derail his son's political career. A cranky old career politician with an agenda starts acting in an erratic way, threatening to derail his own son's position as Governor Of California. Mind you, from whose point of view is this story being told? And is it a comedy, drama, thriller etc. If it's from the point of view of the son: John Smith (even though we're supposed to keep names out of it) has just been sworn in as the thirty-ninth Governor Of California. Now his father's crazy antics threaten to topple (eject, throw him out of the top job) him from the top job.

These are all very helpful - a hybrid of them will do the trick. You really have an amazing eye for log lines.

Quoted from LC And of course, outcome, without giving away the ending, and to set tone: with hilarious consequences (this one's subjective to the reader/viewer, really, so maybe not) with devastating personal consequences with dire consequences Just stay away from: 'gets more than he/she bargains for' imh - I can't believe some writers still use that one.

Concur - I will incorporate.

Quoted from LC Finally, it might be a good idea to state the genre when you're posting the logline for those of us who aren't overly familiar with the particular script, if not obvious.

Good idea. Will do in the future.

Again - VERY helpful stuff. It is amazing what one can see in something that you have been struggling with. I must ten hours of research on log lines and have drafted 20 log lines and what I have read in this thread is the best advice by a long shot.

Quoted from Equinox Hey eldave, I'd say tighten it up a bit. He draws media attention to an important issue? Which one? What about this: In order to put ->insert issue<- in the spotlight, a cranky, old politician goes crazy and puts his son's career as governor of California at risk. I got to agree with pale yellow, sounds like some comedy script to me.

Cool advice - thanks Throsten.

Quoted from Athenian Hey David, I've read both of your scripts – good luck with the Page competition! IMO, "The Last Statesman" may do even better than the romantic comedy did last year. Here's why I think you need to rewrite your logline, though. The dramatic question is whether or not Lowell is going to achieve his goal – not what's going to happen with his son's political career (an important part of the story, of course, but not what the story is mainly about). With this logline, someone might even think (as "pale yellow" did) that the main conflict is between Lowell and his son. Clearly not the case here. What about something like this? "A frustrated, cranky politician, father of the Governor of California, acts bananas in order to draw attention to what he sees as his last chance for a real social contribution." Just an idea. Again, good luck with this!

First - thanks for the reads and the kind of thoughts - appreciated.

Some nice elements in your suggestion - the "real social contribution" hits the nail on the head without being too specific.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Three years in a row I crashed and burned in the movie poet logline and title competition, I really can't lecture anyone, but I'm open to learn. Below are two loglines for my script -  the Memory Map - which I throw out for folk to consider. The first is the coverage report logline, the next my reduced version.  I'm not saying which is better, it's more a case of sharing with SS. One aspect we need consider is how much detail to add and I never seem to get it right. :'( Coverage After a traumatic undercover mission, a British intelligence agent goes on the run and must undergo an unorthodox new medical procedure in order to unlock a part of her memory that holds the key to her own survival. 38 words. Mine After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory 28 words Eldave - I think Libby came up with some good suggestions above. Like others the start of the last statesman seem clunky and also imprecise. Happy to comment on others.

My randumb thoughts:

I like that the coverage logline identifies the protag as British.

I would like to see a term other than traumatic. (harrowing? death-defying? risky?)

The coverage service identifies the mission is undercover - you ID the agent is covert. I guess I would combine the two thoughts. i.e, After a covert mission.....

I don't think the goes on the run part is important (at least if I don't know who she is on the run from). For example, if  her agency turned against her - then yes, it's important to add that -  but then you would also need to add that element to the log line.  A covert agent's own organization turns against her after a covert mission gone wrong. Her only chance at survival is.....

Something like:

After a dangerous covert mission, a British intelligence agent discovers that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock her memory.

Great idea for a recurring thread.

I remember there was one from a while back -- though for the life of me I couldn't find it.  Too often loglines seem like an afterthought -- but it's make or break for a lot of readers on whether to open the file or not.

Bill -- what's the basic reason behind your character going on the run?  Double-cross etc?

I'm also itching and scratching around with my logline (and the script btw, but that's a different thread).
Here's my latest go:

When suddenly the time stops and all other people in a small town 'freeze', a group of teenagers has to find a way out of this trap, but they are not alone...

If I had to pitch it, I'd say 'Cube meets Under The Dome'

Quoted from Equinox I'm also itching and scratching around with my logline (and the script btw, but that's a different thread). Here's my latest go: When suddenly the time stops and all other people in a small town 'freeze', a group of teenagers has to find a way out of this trap, but they are not alone... If I had to pitch it, I'd say 'Cube meets Under The Dome'

Keeping in mind that I suck at log lines.....

Don't think you need the "suddenly"
The all other people is a bit clumsy

All the teenagers in the town when it freezes? i.e., how do they escape this calamity? Whatever that point is - I would include it in the opening. e.g.,

A group of teenagers return home to find all the people in their town frozen in place...

Quoted from stevemiles Bill -- what's the basic reason behind your character going on the run?  Double-cross etc?

she's accused of stealing secret data during a mission she now can't remember.

she/they run because they fear she will be killed to avoid any potential leakage

its ok as a motive but I'm looking to tidy this up, or add a touch more gravity

it also seems good for dynamics. being on the run adds tension and movement as well as a chase, so helps the story flow

cheers

Just another thought, Bill:

After a covert mission gone wrong, A British intelligence agent is on the run from her own Agency. Her only chance at survival is an experimental procedure to unlock her memory.

What would you all think of a category dedicated to:

Loglines, Query Letters and Pitches  

That way individual threads could be opened much like they are for scripts.

Thoughts?

Quoted Text After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory 28 words

Actually, I think this one is pretty good. The only thing missing is what she's running from. If it's her own agency as eldave suggested, I'd add that.

After a traumatic mission, a covert agent is chased by her own agency. Her only hope to survive is an experimental procedure to unlock her memory. (26 words)

eldave, thanks for your thoughts:

Quoted Text All the teenagers in the town when it freezes? i.e., how do they escape this calamity? Whatever that point is - I would include it in the opening. e.g.,

The reason they are not affected is part of the reveal at the end, so I don't want to give it away in the log line. I think the focus should be the situation they find themselves in from one moment to the next (people around them freeze in time), their goal (escape this trap) and the major obstacle (they are not alone).

Quoted from eldave1 What would you all think of a category dedicated to: Loglines, Query Letters and Pitches   That way individual threads could be opened much like they are for scripts. Thoughts?

Good idea, full support. I struggle with summing up my scripts in a logline or a short paragraph synopsis, so some place to get help with that would be great.

Bill,

Didn't think the coverage logline was bad -- could trim a couple of words here and there to smooth it out.

Not having read the script I may be a bit off -- not sure if she's forced to run through a misunderstanding or by 'corrupt' elements of her own agency/handlers.  That said I’ll throw this out there:

'Forced to run after she’s accused of stealing secret data from her own agency, a traumatised intelligence agent must seek out an unorthodox medical procedure to unlock the memory vital to her survival.'

Also, whom does she go to for the procedure?  Is this character important enough to mention? -- i.e. ‘...must enlist the aid of an unorthodox doctor to unlock the memory…’  It pins the ‘procedure’ part to something more tangible -- a character.  

Again, I’ve not read the script.  Been meaning to do so -- let me know when you have a new draft up or just send it my way.

Steve

Quoted from stevemiles Bill, 'Forced to run after she’s accused of stealing secret data from her own agency, a traumatised intelligence agent must seek out an unorthodox medical procedure to unlock the memory vital to her survival.'

Steve - I quite like your suggestion - it pops.

Wonder if he should add the word falsely? i.e., after she's falsely accused...

I like the idea of a new category for this type of discussion, it's one of those areas we could all probably do with a  little help on - know I could ;-)

I struggle with loglines so this is a great idea.

Loglines are like scripts, they just take several drafts to get right. I'm not sure that it's so easy to help other people with their loglines without knowing the full story behind it. All we end up doing is making a bunch of words sound better.

Maybe once we had read the script we could help more... but I'm not convinced that as an outsider (to the story) we could help write a more suitable logline.

With the experience I have had in writing features, and I'm still down the learning curve on this one, I do agree with the advice of having a clear logline before you start. I think it's a helpful guide.

I certainly wouldn't start a feature now if I didn't feel the logline was clear, and interesting. You can then change as you go along, but too often I have tried to force a story and failed.

Just found this site may help with the logline problems we all have at time...

http://www.storyplanner.com/

I'm gonna try and give it a proper look over w/e.

Anthony

Looking forward to your review

So, I've been doing a bit of research on this topic lately and ran across something that tickled my fancy.

There's about a dozen or so experts that use the Wizard of Oz as the perfect log line. e.g:

After a twister transports a lonely Kansas farm girl to a magical land, she sets out on a dangerous journey to find a wizard with the power to send her home.

One blogger/frustrated writer apparently got sick of experts using this example and wrote his wown for the Wizard. e.g.,

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl murders the first person she meets. In order to get home, she teams up with three strangers to kill again.

Made my day.

Yeah I've seen that examples as well Dave... I like the fact that both loglines are likely to get a producer to read the script... though if they read the second one I think they'd be surprised with the script submitted!

Anthony