Duty of Care by Margaret Saville - Short, Horror - Grief can make monsters of us all. - pdf, format 8)

Well written, and well set-up.

It felt a little redundant to me, however. Just a simple re-telling of Frankenstein.

Perhaps it would be better if the two stories you have going collapse into one. Have it so that the Doctor has clearly used the body of the cab driver's wife to bring back his wife, rather than the boy.

It could then be the case that Victor thinks he's found his wife, but in reality she has the brain of the Doctor's wife, so kills him. That would give it all a better little twist and introduce something new.

As it is, you've got a big set up just to reveal a re-animated corpse who hasn't even been mentioned in the story. It falls a bit flat.

Can't say I'm a fan of the first paragraph. Slug doesn't really give us any info of time and place. First word lacks a capital letter. Repetitive descriptions of the windshield wipers movement. Most people know what windshield wipers do...

Page 2.    Victor, Francis, Shelley. Must be a Frankenstein story then.

Trim that chunk of dialogue by Francis. A lot of it doesn't do anything to further the story or characters.

Page 3.    I think Victor is too nosy.

Page 4.    Francis might be correct, but he sounds rather rude to Victor.

Page 5.    The plot thickens...  :)

Page 6.    I guess the six story building is the tower/castle thing in the original film.

Stomp rather than stamp?

Not bad, but felt chunky to read and didn't really offer anything special. I think you can trim the action paragraphs quite a bit. Try to say the same thing, but with fewer words. It also felt a bit stodgy.

Not bad, just didn't grab me.

SPOILERS

Pg 1
Why the CONTINUOUS?  Not sure it adds much in this context?
I've said in the comments of other scripts, I ain't no prude, but the "shit night" seems like a crutch.  They'll certainly be an F-bomb nearby.

Pg 2
Not sure the dialogue on the top of the page adds much here.  Repetition is kinda boring.
And there’s the requisite F-bomb, right on cue.
Again, the interior cab dialogue can be more useful and less repetitious. Let's get on with it.

Pg 3
The dialogue now feels forced (exposition).

Pg 4
Again with many CONTINUOUS. Is this necessary?

Pg 5
Your CONTINUOUS distracts.

Pg 6
splutters  Nice one.

Pg 7
locum  Nice one.

Pg 8
He said he would call the wife when he got to the station.  She can wait.
You sometimes upper-case God, sometimes not.

Pg 9 and 10
Good action here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The doctor's son is a zombie?
What in the first 8 pages hinted at this?
Why was the KID in the hallway?  How did he drive the plot forward or add tension?
It just doesn't gel or have drama or logic for me.

This is masterfully written, at bit prosey in parts (especially the beginning) but still an elegant script.

It ticked all the boxes of the challenge nicely, I just felt it didn’t really offer anything new story wise.

-Mark

I enjoyed this one.  Especially the rainy cityscape setting in the beginning and conversation in the taxicab.  

PROS:  The twists work well.  I didn't really see any of them coming and they didn't seem to cliche to me.  I liked the ending and the creepiness of it.   Well written, and the descriptions help me get a solid visual.  Very easy to visualize due to the writing.

CONS:  Not really low budget and the face smashing was a little too much for me, over the top (taste thing for me).

Pretty good I thought.

A well put together story. The use of the names 'Victor' and 'Shelley' telegraphed what monster you were going to use, but that didn't bother me.

I enjoyed how the power positions shifted a few times, and the action was nicely described. I think another couple of pages would be great, nevertheless one of my favorites so far.

The good news...

I got to Page 5.

Your dialogue reads very well, especially for Victor.

The setup is actually very good, IMO.

The not so good news...

Extreme overwriting going on.

Victor's phone call is...well...it's not good.  Peeps may bitch about using "BEAT", but in a 1 sided dialogue piece, they are a must, as written, this reads very poorly.

The bad...

Your opening - some may think this is "masterfully written", but it's not, IMO.  It's trying too hard and it doesn't have the effect you think it does...at least not for me.

Page 5 and I know exactly where this is going.

Passages are not remotely broken up correctly and it's killing the read for me.

Mistakes and awkwardly written action are the death knoll here for me.

Which leads me to a grade of...

C

I liked the opening scene but then you have very short scenes like TAXI on p 2 and I don't think you need those.

It's a good concept but I don't see the reason for Francis to keep Victor's wife in his house. Why would he?
So how's he has his wife and Victor doesn't know?

Maybe I misunderstood something.

It's a dark piece, well written and all.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Some odd formatting, a few typos and grammar etc
2) The characters call it out, but why does Victor go after Francis if he wasn't actually responsible?

Good bits:-
1) Well paced in the main
2) Nice table turns
3) Well handled reveal

Rules
Passes all the rules imho

Overall I liked this, though maybe a little straightforward

Anthony

This is a well written, action packed piece with a great payoff.

My only gripe is maybe too much action at times, not a bad thing per se - if on screen, just found myself going over a few scenes more than once to get my bearings.

I'm somewhat curious about the chance meeting of Victor and Francis, given their previous knowledge of each other, might come off as a little too convenient IMO... OK, two gripes, lol.

None the less, it was/is an exciting ride, with all the pun intended.

That  glob of human flesh, or... whatever it was at the end, is so f*n wrong on so many levels, but in an insanely good way!

Margaret Saville,

This one is well written, maybe over written at times, and is an interesting and dark tale. I'm not sure why Victor went after Francis or how he knew he'd get in his taxi. Once Francis knocked him out, it kinda dragged but it ended well. With a little polishing this could be very good.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Duty of care

I liked the joint grief element, and how one is revealed later. The fact he has lost a son and now has a secret lab etc I suppose could work just didn't do so much for me.

For low budget the hospital, taxi, rain etc before the apartment may add to the costs and complexity . I could see this played out as a drama in a single location whereby the driver kidnaps the surgeon and take him to the surgeons home to be killed only to discover a shared grief and a pitiful situation of him stuck in the past, like the driver.

This would be drama but could serve as an interesting idea to see what shared grief can do to resolve pain. Of what grief can do to us in private. And whether someone opinion is changed once they know more.

All the best

Works as a modern Frankie tale.  Starting with the gun and cabbie doesn't work for me.  Show the gun after V has picked up the doc.  And if doc is going to harvest something from V, show us what it is the doc wants.  That would help me.

Best
Richard

Inventive pseudonym.

Log is actually a tag.

OK, I'm in. This is well written. I could pick on this little word or that little word, but this looks like good shit.

Yeah, I liked that. Very well written, if a little well trodden.

7/10.

Lots of style on display here.  Another Brit, pretty sure.

THE GOOD:  Great writing and good dialogue.  Totally my speed.  Lots of menace in the early going, in either direction, from either character, and that is tough to pull off.  The random kid in the hallway is rendered a perfect detail by virtue of his utter pointlessness.  I was very impressed by the talent on display here.  Until...          

THE BAD:  Until we reach the kitchen.  I was willing to forgive this story's reliance on the telephone up until Francis decides to just wander off and leave Victor totally unattended.  This was far too convenient -- far too blatant a device in service of the story -- and it took me out of a script I was otherwise enjoying.  From there, while the writing maintains its high standard, the story devolves into formula.  I would also caution against the single line of dialogue you give Victor on page 10.  That kind of stuff undermines the tension and only comes off as comical.    

bert's grade:  A-  

Solid for the most part.

The telephone scenes need some serious streamlining.

Some over writing, IMO - the opening windshield wipers scene while poetic, read more like for a novel then a script.

Victor's voice was perfect.

Okay done - nice job here.

*Spoilers*

Cool!  One of my top three (at least for now - though more to go...)

Beautifullly written.  Solid dialogue, visually rich - and a nice modern twist on the Frankenstein tale.

I'll grant you - it's a *major* and suspicious cooincidence that Victor just happens to target Francis.  And that Francis *just happens* to have a use for him at that time?    

Also, I'd argue that you need to show a point at which Francis realizes that he needs to do away with Victor - and hint a LITTLE at why the man's useful to him, now.

Oh - and one teeny tiny stylistic recommendation.  "The body used to be a teenage boy. (Period.) Once. Not now."  Just a dramatic little flair I think would be fun.

Cheers,

--J (W)

I'd vote favorably for this if I could - sorry writer.

The opening passage was a bit undeserving, but if there's some sort of symbolic purpose we can say it's paid its toll. Even though it has pop on the page, we're dealing with windshield wipers so...

Little details from start seem legit. The briefcase is given a visual purpose rather than a stylish accessory. The phone clamps to his ear... in the rain... gives the story a nudge in the right direction. I think Victor looking in the rearview could be moved down to split Francis' talking bit into the phone.

Francis carrying Victor into the flat was an intermittent sequence, but the writer rebounded once inside. Big time. The monster's description is very well done - in writing and magnitude.

+ The dark ride gets darker...
+ Good job with the dialogue, hey - I was really impressed - it's alive!
+ The monster is this wordsmith's explosion, denonated at exactly the right time

- Title blows
- The transition out of the cab into the flat was ROUGH

Writer,

Not a bad story, but based on your ending it just seemed rushed. Like it hasn't the chance to end the way you really wanted it to. Very busy script. Lots of visuals, with lots of words almost took me out of the story. Just went on too long, IMO. But you had some very tense moments going on, and what seemed like it should end with just Francis and Victor became something else entirely. That's why it felt forced. Almost like a the end, in order to meet the challenge requirements, you threw in the Frankenstein's monster. Not a bad effort here, just seemed like it wasn't the story you wanted.

Steve

I've not read other comments yet, as I don't like to be influenced. I thought it was going quite well.

You gotta be careful with words though, writing is all about being careful with words. For instance... " Victor’s hand shoots out,"

The problem I had is you've set up a confrontation, quite well as it happens. If you use the word 'shoots' before the gun is in hand the reader gets confused. Or at least this one did. May seem picky. But I'm a picky pecky typa fecker.

Good fight. It's hard to describe those effectively. Nice twist there.

As they go, it's not bad. I was expecting something a bit more at the end. But not bad.

R

Remind me never to get in the car with you considering your windscreen wipers are like scythes.

A typo of sorts near the bottom - he scrambles back, press himself against the wall, obviously should be 'presses' - didn't read comments so forgive me if that's been mentioned more than once.

Overall, very nice. A great sinister feel to this, suspense, good characterisations, fizzles a bit at the end but terrific effort nonetheless.

And I'd take a stab at guessing this author...
When we're allowed to. :)

Duty of Care

First three pages drag on quite a bit. From the first paragraph alone it's clear you like to write a lot.

The transfer to the action parts isn't that well executed yet. It reads to me as if Francis originally couldn't have realized that Victor takes a gun; because the descriptions told me it's pretty dark inside – but then Francis immediately decides to fight and tackles him...

"Twenty-five storeys of bleak concrete. Bad things happen
here, and from the look of the building you can see why."

There's a lot of stuff like that, right from the first paragraph. Less is often more - too much writing can hurt story. I mean, I get the tone, no need to emphasize any more, just get to the point. (@ don't use such "comparisons" anyway - it's not that creative)

This is good work but it feels also fragmentary. The reveal has nothing to do with the story. The presentation constantly tries hard to serve atmosphere and mood through extra-writing whereas the framework would have needed your attention and investment instead, imo; too literary; still good.

The set-up for this one confused me a little. It was written well, but felt written on the fly. Basically, Victor has a plan to kill Francis. We can tell from his leading questions. But when the encounter goes down, Francis has a needle ready with knock out drugs and ends up kidnapping Victor instead. So they were stalking each other? It was unclear to me why anything was really happening.

Francis says something about a Nigerian which makes it sound like he’s not even the one responsible for what happened to Victor’s wife. So what happened to her? Why does Victor blame Francis? Why does Francis kidnap Victor? Maybe I missed it, but it was never clear to me what Francis intended to do with him.

Like I said, the writing was generally good, but it felt like the whole story passed by without me knowing why anything was happening.

Jon -

If you have time - PM me on this one?

Cheers,

--J (W)

Nice work writer, not sure who you are. Some excellent writing on show.

Hi all,

Thanks very much for the reads! Good to get some new material up, and to flex the ol' writing muscles. I'm currently trying to get back into the writing habit, so this has been a very useful exercise.

To 'fess up straight off the bat: this is actually a page 1 rewrite of an OWC entry from five years ago (yikes). That script lives here - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-10OWC/m-1287544048/. Not sure if that counts as cheating, but I don't really think so as it's a radically different version of that earlier draft. I only realised there was a challenge happening a couple of days into the week, and once I'd read the criteria it seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally do a rewrite that had been at the back of my mind for ages. I'm quite happy with how it turned out.

Main problem for most people seems to be that it's just nothing special:

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It felt a little redundant to me. Just a simple re-telling of Frankenstein.

Quoted from Angry Bear Not bad, but felt chunky to read and didn't really offer anything special.

Quoted from Mark Renshaw I just felt it didn't really offer anything new story wise.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Overall I liked this, though maybe a little straightforward.

Quoted from rendevous As they go, it's not bad. I was expecting something a bit more at the end. But not bad.

(For what it's worth, Ren actually read the original and said it was: 'fucking ace. Pages few by. Good story, true horror, echoes of classic movies. Fine work.' An example of a rewrite actively making a script worse?!)

Quoted from RKeller It just doesn't gel or have drama or logic for me.

Ouch!

Quoted from EWall433 It felt like the whole story passed by without me knowing why anything was happening.

Oh dear.

To summarise the story - and if it wasn't clear please do tell me - Victor's wife, Liza, died due to a botched surgery, but the case was settled out of court. In his grief, he decides to abduct and kill a doctor, any doctor, to strike back against the community he feels has wronged him. Francis wasn't involved in any way, he's just the one he picks up, hence his insistent questioning to make sure he's got the right person. Francis' own son died in an accident, and he's been using his skills as a surgeon to rebuild him from body parts harvested from people he's snatched off the streets. Victor's bereavement and low social status makes him an easy target - as Francis says, it's unlikely anyone will even notice he's gone missing. At the flat Victor escapes, blunders into the bedroom where Francis has been keeping his half-finished son, and the ending plays out.

What I wanted to practice was misdirection and suspense: you're supposed to think that Victor is the dangerous one, only to be surprised when suddenly it's Francis that takes control. Likewise, the fact that the body 'animates' at the end was hopefully a surprise? Probably not. I also wonder if that moment drifts a bit into the supernatural - HOW is he alive? Originally he was going to have life support machines, a heart monitor, and lie in a hospital bad - but I scrapped all that thinking it would better match the 'low budget' requirement. Perhaps it should go back in.

With hindsight, I should have known Frankenstein was going to be everyone's first monster pick. But as explained above, what excited me was the chance to finally rewrite a story I'd started years previously - which was a Frankenstein story, so that was that. The script admittedly does hinge on a major co-incidence - that the man Victor randomly selects as his victim HAPPENS to be a surgeon who's on the lookout for body parts. So that may need smoothing over.

In terms of not explaining things properly, there's actually a moment on page 3 that's supposed to suggest Francis is up to something:

Quoted Text VICTOR You fix what is broken. FRANCIS (beat) I try to.

There was originally an action line that said: 'A shadow passes across Francis' face. Just for a second.' But that had to go due to space. The suggestion that he's lost someone is also supposed to crop up just before the bedroom ending, too, when Francis says:

Quoted Text FRANCIS (CONTD.) Not entirely certain why you decided to take your anger out on me, but there you go. I understand what grief can do to a man. Yes, by God, I understand that.

This is probably nowhere near enough, however. Clearly it's an issue if people think the ending just comes from nowhere.

Thanks for the kind words about the dialogue. For my day job I work in marketing for a company that publishes playscripts - and for a little while, screenplays, before I told them you could find the scripts online for free, legally, so no-one sensible would pay £15 for a printed copy. I've also done a bit of theatre directing over the last couple of years, so I really do think dialogue is absolutely key. I must have gone over every individual line half a dozen times adding a word here, taking one out there, changing a phrasing. That old rule that you should be able to remove all the character headings and still know who's talking is something I always try to bear in mind. Dialogue can be a tricky skill, but it's something I'm determined to be good at. So thanks for the encouragement.

Writing-wise, I don't really know what conclusion to draw. I wanted to go heavy on atmosphere, and also this is sort of the natural mode I settle into. Some people seemed to enjoy it, others appreciate it, others thought it was 'clunky' or 'extreme'. In a way a negative consensus would have been easier to take something from. Obviously readers' tastes are to a certain degree subjective, but if it's damaging the read that's obviously something I need to look at. No point making life harder for myself.

(On the very opening: I remember a Hitchcock quote from an old episode of BabzBuzz, which went something like 'a good screenwriter doesn't fill the page with words; they fill the screen with images.' To me I thought that was a strong opening image. But yes, the way I've written it might be slightly overkill.)

Just finally on the writing, I do want to pick you up on this comment, Jeff, if that's okay:

Quoted from Dreamscale Passages are not remotely broken up correctly and it's killing the read for me. Mistakes and awkwardly written action are the death knoll here for me.

Could you possibly give me an example of the 'mistakes' you're referring to? Obviously as I say writing is subjective, and we all know that opinions can differ over 'correct' formatting, but want to make sure I'm not making any obvious errors, whatever they might be.

Okay, there's a lot there. Thanks for all the reads, and I'll get on with returning any I've missed this week. Well done to everyone who entered this OWC, or indeed read scripts!

And Janet - PMed you. :)

EDIT: Just to add - thanks so much to those who really did enjoy it! Canis, Dustin, bert, Lib - always happy to please.

Hey Jon,

Read through this one twice. Not sure how I feel about it in its current incarnation, but I do think it's got potential.

You've got two solid characters in the sense that both have a tragic past and an axe to grind, and you've got some fun, even grotesque horror elements to play with. The writing was also pretty solid. A little flowery, but I enjoyed it, and that's something I still struggle with anyway. What you don't seem to have, however, is a really strong story that follows through to the end.

What I took from this is three interconnected scenarios, each with their own "monster," where only one has a fully formed payoff. The first monster is Victor, the second is Francis, and the third is... whatever that thing was. Sick, btw. In a good way; genuinely disturbing.

The first scenario with Victor is a fine start. The dialogue is a little verbose, but I don't think that would've been quite as much of an issue if you didn't have a cutoff point as far as pages. Since you do, it seems to take up a lot of space.

I'd try to cut back on some of the banter here, namely to provide some space to straighten out the complete story, but also for reasons specific to the passages. The phone banter has already been mentioned, so I won't go into that much more.

Victor seems a little forced, for one thing, leading Francis on and whatnot. Francis is consistently indignant and defensive, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it adds to the page count so that the last two scenarios are completely rushed and truncated. I would try to have Victor act more casual, since they're ultimately going to end up in the lot anyway (and it'd be more of a shock to do so if he was), and Francis less defensive. He doesn't have to buy into Victor's logic that it's a small cab and he "hear," but perhaps he's too worn out to really bite back with as much vigor (sounds like he easily could be anyway).

The muscularskeletal bit could definitely be condensed, for one thing. It's a simple bit that doesn't need to go on as long as it doesn't, even if it's not THAT long.

Interesting twist to make Francis the "monster" in the second half, but this is where things get the most awkward. His trek back to the flat with Victor's body seems highly ill-advised. Wouldn't it be easier just to leave Victor where he is? Sure, Francis drugged him, but Victor also planned to kill Francis, so I doubt he'd want to involve the authorities.

I was thinking it might work better if he DID leave Victor in the lot. Victor wakes up. Perhaps something felt out of Francis' briefcase during the scuffle with identifying information (say a business card). Anything that would at least serve as a breadcrumb for Victor making his way over to Francis' flat. Not sure exactly what would happen here, but in any case, I think it might be better for the story if Victor found a different way over to Francis and remained the antagonist for a bit.

Scene in the kitchen is by far the most problematic, in that we don't even find out what Francis' plans for Victor were, and it's a cheap device (the phone) that closes out the scenario and segues into the finale... which I loved. All good here. Janet had a suggestion above that I think could accentuate it, but other than that, I was pleased.

All in all, some very interesting pieces that don't fit together so well, at least IMO. The middle is the most problematic, as I said. If you could come up with a smoother, more plausible transition between Victor's plot to kill Francis and the "thing" in Francis' bedroom, I think you'd be on your way to something great.

Hope this helps.

Thanks very much for that, James. Very useful feedback, and it's clear what most needs work is the 'joins' between the scenes. Why does Francis decide to use Victor, why now, and a less obvious reason why Victor escapes the kitchen (a rushed narrative trick I'm not surprised people called me out for, I'd have done the same). I've got a couple of ideas.

I'm gonna take this and everything else away and come up with a new, probably slightly longer version (now that page count isn't an issue), which I'll submit once it's done. Thanks again to everyone for their feedback.