Pond Life by Anthony Cawood writing as Harry Essex - Short, Horror - Rumours of a strange creature entice two young friends to explore the distant woodlands and the pond deep within. - pdf, format

Written with a nice energy, but the story was just too simple.

There's no irony, twist, or theme. So it's a little light.

I didn't think this was bad at all. Well written in my opinion. I do agree with Rick that it could use some more depth. better foreshadowing. Theme. Irony or whatever, but I definitely think you gave a good start at something and thank you for using the monster from the blck lagoon. Someone seriously need to remake that one.

Pretty obvious what this one will be about.

Code DAZZER, 8, built like a sturdy barrel, strides purposefully through trees that block his way.

He's a tough kid. He just walks right through trees that block his way? Perhaps bracken, stinging nettles etc... reads awkwardly as is.

Very well written for the most part. Excellent command of grammar, vocabulary and punctuation.

Simple story. Simple formula. 5 out of 10.

Watching approaching dots is not going to grab your audience. I think you can lose this setup and not affect the story at all.

Nicely written for the most part. Some of the action read awkwardly, like the sentence Dustin highlights.

I did start to lose focus as the action centred on Glen just running around aimlessly.

It did seem to me the creature was trying to help Glen and I thought the reveal was going to be another monster was in the pond but it didn’t happen and it’s didn’t really resolve anything at the end.

Low budget, a classic monster and one good make-up effect (maybe two though with Dazzer’s body? I dunno) so well done for that and for taking part.

-Mark  

This one is light on story but I enjoyed the pace and the dialogue (I wish there was more of it).

I like that the smaller, wimpier kid is the one who survives using his brains rather than his brawn. A fun read :)

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) No twist or any surprises
2) Logline gives it away?

Good bits:-
1) Well paced in the main
2) Thought the start was leading towards a different monster

Rules
Passes these I think

Overall this was okay

Anthony

The good news...

I read the entire script...in less than 5 minutes.

For the most part, the writing is good in terms of being clean and mistake free.

The not so good news...

The style here ain't for me.  It's very sparse, non visual, and non detailed.  90+% of the passages are 1 line, and it's nearly impossible to write visually this way.  At 7 pages, this is most likely well under 5 minutes of film, as written.  You throw in some asides and unfilmables, and in a non visual script, that's a big problem for me.

I caught about 20 or so mistakes, most in awkward phrasings.  The action writing has some issues.

The bad news...

There's no story here. There's no plot here.  There aren't any characters here.  There's no reason for anything that is happening.

Setting your characters at 7 and 8 years old is also a problem, as it doesn't work for what's taking place.

At best, this is an intro to a feature, but it definitely does not stand by itself as a short, based on the above.

This will be very soon forgotten because there's nothing memorable here at all.

The ending is so insanely quick, my guess is you ran out of time...and if that's the case, I understand completely.

As is, I can't help but give this a...

C-

Writer,

I don't know if the short sentences is just your writing style, but it seems the way it's done is to up the page count. I enjoyed your visuals here, but was a but turned off by opening with a montage. Once the story gets going it becomes a bit repetitive.  A lot of running through the tangled brush. There's really not much meat here. A lot of fluff. Like I said, the visuals were good as was the writing. I think if you came up with more tonthe story this could be a decent script. As is, didn't really grab me.

Steve

The one line thing aggrevated me a lot and forced me to skip through some parts due to it mostly being one lines with no reason of being there. We don't really need to know that at the end 'He doesn't look back'.

Overall, I guess this was a little Meh for me, it didn't feel too tense and felt cliche, Idk, the lack of dialogue or interest in the characters killed it for me.

Not too bad, just not too good PERSONALLY.

Didn't really mind this, but couldn't really get into it with either... need a bit more gusto?

I did, at one point, envision it as a 3D Animation along the cinematic presence of ParaNorman, Corpse Bride, The Box Trolls, ect; that actually made it somewhat cooler for me, I love anything along the stop motion style, especially if it has dark overtones.

I agree with Jeff as well, this comes off more like a teaser at the beginning of something bigger. What that bigger is, I'll leave up to you. Writing's good IMO.

Pond Life

Hey, this is a great Halloween tale which works with suspense throughout. Cool monster.

I have to say that I believe, with all that moving shapes, sounds, and whistles, I only can imagine it as a radio play yet. So to say, I think the ongoing action should be bundled somehow into clear distinct segments or you'd have to build the most spectacular adventure park in those woods and pond area - with regards to how it is composed in your script now. Even if I think this is an audio piece for now (@ and why not go that way anyway)... I liked it

This was okay for what it was, but it felt more like a sequence than a story. It's bare bones. Kids investigate something strange, something strange attacks them. Almost feels like it's missing a 3rd act. It could benefit from more mystery or some suspense felt along the way. Maybe clues, like gory animal remains, to build up to the attack. Or something connected to the missing girl that's mentioned. You could improve the character dynamic as well. Get some story mileage out of the boys by giving them something to learn or overcome. The story didn't developed so much as just happen.

It also seemed kind of odd that this thing wouldn't kill Glen when he was knocked unconscious right in front of it.

Harry Essex,

"Did something undulate beneath the surface?" Dunno, you tell us.

This one didn't do much for me, sorry to say. I skimmed toward the end, as it was becoming quite a chore to get through. It wasn't terrible, just the definition of "meh". You've got a strange style of writing too. I feel this could have been written in three or four pages and was needlessly prolonged.

Not one for me.

Glenn.

Overall, I liked it. However, the last few pages did not make use of white space enough to make this suspenseful. Much of the narrative, although mostly stacked, seemed to, from time to time, take away from the pace.

I'm not sure about the opening series of shots at the beginning- I didn't see much point in it.

This was so-so for me. Very little character development so hard to care whether or not they got killed. IMO, There needs to be a little more character development in the dialogue between the two boys up front and a little less action later.  The action was so detailed that it got a little tedious - a few broader strokes would have worked better for me.

I quite like the name Dazzer for a kid.

THE GOOD:  I liked your style, for the most part.  Crisp, with a good flow.  A very easy read that asks little of the reader.  Your opening shots are unique, and I enjoyed your experimentation with it, flexing your technique a bit.  I like your choice of beastie, although I am not sure you do enough with it.    

THE BAD:  I dislike it when characters stupidly knock themselves out.  It is just too easy as a method to move the story.  I was also a bit confused as to place.  Glen escapes, only to find himself right back at the pond?  I am not sure how that happened.  The larger problem, however, is the lack of any real hook for the reader.  While it is written well, it also has a perfunctory feel to it.  I suspect this author could have used more time.      

bert's grade:  C  

The story is very basic here. To sum it up in two sentences: Glen thinks there's a monster, Dazzer doesn't. In the end Glen is right and alive and Dazzer is dead.
A bit of simple for me.
It's well written in my opinion.
And probably shootable.
My suggestion would be to add a bit of flare to the boy's characters and you'll have a more fun story.

Quick thoughts on Pond Life:

Love the unique monster in this one.  From what I've read thus far, there's an overabundance of Frankensteins and Werewolves in this OWC.  So a yarn about the Creature from the Black Lagoon is a nice breath of fresh air.

Well written, too. So far, I haven't read a single clunky/newbie story.  Nice quality we've got going this time!

My only qualms: for once, I'd argue there's *too* much white space.  Alot of description can be lumped together into the same paragraphs (no more than three lines a piece of course.)  But the way it's spaced out, it feels wrong to my eye.  Just a minor stylistic thing, but I think that matters.

And - the story's a bit too descriptive.  I think it can be also streamlined.

Finally - re: the tale itself.  There's really no twist or satisfying conclusion here.  Just like one scary event, told in detail.  So - for me - it missed having a good end clincher.  But the craftmanship was very good anyway.  (Due to the use of the word rapeseed, I *might* know who wrote this one!)  :))

PS: I *do* like little writing flourishes: like "did something undulate below the surface?"  First of all, undulate's a terrific word.  Secondly - despite what some may say - asides are a great thing for a screenwriter to use... as long as you don't go crazy with them.  What they DO is color a story with a writer's individual voice.  Which makes a script stand out - and not be bland and cliche.

Cheers,

--J (W)

Not bad, but I was expecting a bit more, especially at the end. Writing is okay, needs polishing, like my shoes.

R

Thanks all for the reads and the comments - appreciated as always.

With this one I specifically tried to hit the brief and use a classic Universal monster and create a short horror... I had (have) a great idea for a horror-comedy but for me that wasn't the ask, so I'll save it for next time.

I also wanted to stay away from the Frank and Dracula, thought they'd get enough attention ;-)

Lack of a twist, yep agree muse deserted me at the end so just played it straight.

White space... I was trying to pace the action to the script so that it matched a kid running round a wood in the dark, short movements, twists and turns... an experiment really.

Janet - thanks re 'undulate below the surface?' note... I liked it ;-)

Once again, thanks all  

Nice work, Anthony. Looking forward to reading the comedy.