Ken by Matt Tell - Short, Horror - An obsessive medical student conducts an experiment that will win her ex-boyfriend back even after death. - pdf, format 8)

There are a hell of a lot of typos in this, which makes reading it more difficult than it should.

The standard of writing on here is very high these days, and this sticks out in comparison to other writers. It's something you need to sort out.

There is potential here. It's a simple story, but that's all you need. Not a bad effort, but you really need to at least run a spell check in future.

I have to agree with Rick. The typos in this one and the formatting errors are just a tad too distracting. I didn't finish it. Only read the first four. It's a shame actually because the writing, when imagined without the typos is not that bad. Did you write this on some device that don't transfer well to pdf? That's what it seemed like. I apologize for not finishing, but with 33 scripts to read, I don't want to spend time on scripts not ready.

Pg 1
Some of the SOUNDS should be upper-case.
dteesed

Pg 2
Rebecca' life

Pg 3
I ant
explores a paradise.  Hmmmm
Tebecca
elates   huh?
*20s)
Um, one more typo and I'm out.  If you can't take this seriously, neither will I.  Let's see.
And there it is: I;m just here for this -

Have you heard the news?  Modern, newfangled computers have SPELL CHESTERS!

Best of luck. Peace, out.

I just told Don "by Monday" but I made a decision.
If anyone wants to get through this, knock yourself out. My only request is that you give me input on the last few pages. I'm thinking about a slightly different ending anyway.

Formatting I knew would be an issue. I expected that, given that my main computer is still down and had to boot up an older Mac w/ my old FD5. To PDF I have to RTF it to Word, which screws with the margins. The best compromise for me was the extra space at the top for pg numbers. Look close, you'll see it.

While seeing for me right now is a bit of hell due to the old Mac and my recent surgery, I still did not expect the amount of careless typos in this script. I never been this rotten. But I take some solace in the following.

1- I used the OWC to test my current limits, if any.
Lesson learned. On that, mission accomplished.

2- It pales in comparison to the 7WC script The Feed where on my main puter I could see what the heck I'm doing and the formatting is fine. No, the problem there was I was on this crazy train, made it to p81 where a vampire grabs a cross from someone. Cross burns, Vampire hits dude with a burning cross while recording the event. Save the file, get some sleep wake up in the morning and it's Adios. You are stuck with this image in your brain for the following two months and counting. You know how it ends. You just have to put it aside for the time being. Now that's hell.

So, just to be clear. I'm not going to have the script taken down. Some people did give it a little time and I thank them for that. And some might roll the dice for a read anyway, but if folks are out by page 4 or 5, that's not helping me one iota. But I will request for those who haven't read Ken yet to hold off until the re-submissions unless you're going to comment on the story overall. I can at least clean up the typos and rewrite the last page. When the ballot comes out, simply mark "haven't read it".

BTW, RKeller, one does not need to CAP sounds anymore.


Thank you
DjS

It's interesting that "Matt Tell" is the pen name, I was thinking the story would hit more on the doll obsession than the crazy ex angle. The dolls in the bedroom bit was the thing that stood out the most to me, but Rebecca seemed to have her crosshairs on the pair rather than just Ken.

That said, my suggestion would be to lose the girlfriend and focus on what makes Ken so perfect or doll-like to Rebecca in relation to her flaws. There's more page investment with a love triangle, and it took away from the potential orignality of the story.

I'm not sure what you had in mind for an ending, hopefully it works so you can clean it up and get it back on track. Good luck with it - sorry to hear about your recent troubles.

The typos kept on drawing me out of the story so I did read all of this but kept getting a bit distracted.

The Frankenstein angle is a bit tenuous. I’m not sure I believe she’s reanimated him just by using defibrillators, unless she's imagining she hears his heartbeat?  It's more like she's turned him into a human Ken Doll than Frankenstein's monster but maybe that’s the modern twist. I like how this takes the fanatical stalker psycho to the nth degree. Forget bunny boiling, Rebecca is scary as hell!

I hope you feel better soon and your computer problems are sorted.

-Mark

Writer,

SPOILERS

Not a bad effort here. The closing image of Ken all stitched up with the mannequins arm was good. Felt like a proper end, but could've used some more. Ken answering her in his zombie-like state would have been good. Would've furthered where he is now, perhaps showing his love for her again although he's not quite himself anymore.

The tone was consistent, although things just seemed to happen too quickly and conveniently to further the story along. Some things, like the car crash, could've been premeditated instead of just an accident. That would've been more believable. But, overally, not bad. Good job.

Steve

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) As others have mentioned... typos
2) Not really sure there's a classic monster in this

Good bits:-
1) Matt Tell made me chuckle
2) The story is well written
3) Dialogue decent

Rules
As I said, not sure a dead guy with bit of mannequin stuck on him qualifies as a classic monster

Overall I thought this was well written despite the tyos (see what I did there?)

Anthony

Ken... Matt Tell. Barbie. Not really getting the classic monster vibe. Logline suggests a Frankenstein thing.. so maybe it'll be OK.

Yeah, Frankenstein. Like a sound clash, or remix with the doll angle too. I see what you're going for, but if you want this to work you need to give the idea 100% attention and make it work far better than you have here.

4 out of 10.

I see the typos have been mentioned already. I won't bother to point them out since most will be fairly apparent on read through.

Storywise, the most interesting thing was she replaced Ken's brain with someone else's. At least I think she did. She still hung on to Ken's brain, though I have no idea why. I was actually curious whose brain she used instead of his, but that wasn't paid off. In fact, with the way Ken acted (or didn't act) at the end, you might think the brain transplant didn't go so well.

It does put me in mind of a girl saying, "If I could find a guy with his body and HIS brains...", so maybe you could develop more along those lines. A girl who's obsessed with TWO guys and tries to make them one. Otherwise this was a little too straightforward for me.

I initially could read past page 5 but then I saw your request and gave it a shot.  I must say that I actually enjoyed it.  It had a Fatal Attraction vibe and Rebecca was once crazy "witch".  I have to say the typos were bad but I was shock at some of the comments.  It seems that some people are borderline trolling on this instead of giving insightful remarks.

PROS: I liked the overall story and the character of Rebecca.  The dissolve to Jill's face was nice.  I liked the climax and the ending.

CONS: Cut the flashback Jill has about Ken.  Seemed a little unnecessary.  It can be tightened up a bit overall.

Good story.  

The revision will be loaded up after the OWC. Spelling errors have been corrected.

Other changes:
* The flashback is now moved up to the front, Rebecca stalking in the background.

* Jill is no longer the cadaver in the lab. My 'second ending' had her as the new 'Bride' doll. (Bride Of Frankenstein)

Thanks all for reading.

The good...

Uh...not sure, actually.

The not so good...

Uh...not sure.

The bad news...

I'm out after Page 1.

Very poorly written, mistakes of every kind, typos, extremely dull.

For some reason, you're not writing complete sentences...not even close, which gives this a terrible feel.

Which leads me to the grade of...

F (after 1 page, but no way I'm reading any further)

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley I will request for those who haven't read Ken yet to hold off until the re-submissions unless you're going to comment on the story overall. I can at least clean up the typos and rewrite the last page. When the ballot comes out, simply mark "haven't read it".

No worries, at your request I'll put this one on the backburner...

I wrote this before I looked at the comments, so pardon me. I will read it when it's reposted. Meanwhile...

I was quite amused by the title page. It's not often that happens. Where is Barbie?

p2 - dteesed? Teased by a d. Perhaps a tenacious one. You need a proofreader.

p3 'I ant to talk to you'. Jeez, was this written on a bus? Perhaps you needed to go to the toilet as you wrote. Either way, it's making hard to read.

p4 'Rebecca swipes a butcher knife from a rrack.' Rreally. I'll stop pointing out errors now as it's getting silly. I think a gerbil must have been taking runs over your keyboard as you wrote.

I was persevering until about page 7, but by then I had no idea what was supposed to be going on. A shame.

R

Just as Rendevous stated in his first line.

So, I alter my comment with knowing now:

I read every word of the script as I probably will of the rewrite.

To say something about the ending as you asked for: the last picture was funny in a positive absurd way

I read through to the end. You've already got the typos so nuff said.

The story itself is solid.

Jill wrapped up in the morgue - nice.

I wanted something out of Ken at the end - a look in his eyes - a groan - something that just lets me know whether or not he is there.

Don't get discouraged - there is a solid framework here for a rewrite.

Okay.  Spoilers follow - as needed.
Do I think the premise generally could work?  Of course.  And it's worth revisiting this at your own time.  It's yet another Frankenstein twist for this challenge - and it could work well, onced polished and revised.

A few things. MAJOR typos.  To the point that it's frustrating.  I know that everyone works at breakneck speed with these things, but there's always a read-through and spellcheck.  For instance:

P 2 dteesed up (typo)
p.3 I “ant” to talk to you
p. 3 “Tebecca” leans
p. 3 *20s)
p. 3 I;m
p. 4 rrack
p. 6 I had to ct fast
p. 6 ytamples back up the stairs
p. 6 foe one reason
p. 7 REbecca
p.8 ynwraps

Otherwise: for me, the writing was too stacatto.  I know that's de rigeur in some circles - but it was too much for me.  The dialogue had potential, but could've flowed a *bit* smoother.  

And the story?  The action and scenes could be extremely trimmed.

But if you do all that?  This COULD be a fun little sinister story.

Cheers,

--J (W)

Well DJS,

Quite obviously you were experiencing a few probs, computers and all...I've read your stuff before and it never came out with typos like this so we shall (well, I will) put it down to technical difficulties.

The logline sounds solid. Good luck with the rewrite. :)

;D
Revision is up.

Darren, giving this one another read.  :)

You forgot the DAY or NIGHT thing in your first slug.

JULL - typo

Ok, lots of typos I see, so I'm going to skip those and just look at your story.

Interesting with the worms. I wonder why Rebecca did that?

On the observation deck, is a new scene, but you do not tell us who is taking pictures and having fun. I'm assuming Jill and Ken, but any new scene needs to tell us who's in it.

A cell phone rings and Jill pulls out the cord?

Interesting bedroom visuals.

Maybe mention that she answers the phone.

Her right hand explores paradise? My mind immediately went south, but maybe that's not what you had in mind here. It's a little confusing because Rebecca's actions don't really go with what we've seen of her prior, IMHO.

Didn't quite get the sandwich under the cadaver.

Who's the body on the table? Ken?

Rebecca mounts Ken? Is he really capable of doing anything, even if all he has to to do is lie there? He seems a little out of it, if you ask me.

I think you have a story here that could work very well, but it still needs work. Lots of typos still.

The story itself is simple enough. Rebecca can't get over that Ken is now with Jill. She's absorbed with jealousy and revenge. She wants Ken back no matter in what shape or form. That works. You also have some creepy visuals. I like that. Mannequins and clowns! The biggest issue for me is probably that Rebacca is such a complete psycho, that I have a hard time buying her as a doctor.

About the writing style and it being staccato. I personally prefer that over the style you played with in the last or maybe it was the one before, where you had a lot of unfilmables and such. That style works when done really well. If not, it becomes annoying. Staccato, might not be everyone's favorite style, but at least it zips by and offers a fast read. That's what I do.  ;D