Checkpoint Charlie by Henry Clerval - Short, Horror - A Las Vegas TSA agent is strip-searched. - pdf, format 8)

Very odd-looking first page.  I suspect this is someone new to the boards.  I hope they are reading scripts in return.  

THE GOOD:  Interesting set-up that doesn't feel everyday familiar, so I liked that.  You have a loose style in which some of your descriptions are great, though not all of it, so save the wisecracking for the best lines.    

THE BAD:  The story is a bit convoluted, and I sort of lost track as to who was doing what to whom.  The groan-worthy final reveal was just too much.    

bert's grade:  C+    

Not a bad effort.

I felt that it was a bit of a grind to read at times. There were a lot of people to remember, and it all got too much for me at times.

To get to the end just to find a standard Frankenstein riff was a bit disappointing.

There's been an awful lot of Frankenstein scripts, and there's a huge number of Franekenstein stories in existence already. Like Vampires or Zombies, you've got to find some way to make it all fresh again and it's pretty tough. Don;t think you quite managed it, unfortunately. Almost.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Two women and a man is a threesome, not a twosome.
2) Not sure there's any real need for the flashback, works without it imho
3) I cant work out why this is the way they harvest organs, seems there would be a few hundred simpler ways
4) The end seems tagged on, the classic monster element an afterthought

Good bits:-
1) Different kinda setup, interesting
2) Well written, very visual and easy to read.

Rules
Don;t think it's low budget and think the classic monster element is a stretch

Overall I thought this was well written, but not entirely sure it fits the brief.

Anthony

Expensive locations, number of actors and FX heavy kill scenes blow this out of the low-budget realm.

I completely lost what was going on once he got them back to the hotel room.

The Frankenstein angle seems added on as an afterthought, like this was one story which has had the classic monster bit ‘bolted on’. Heheh….did you see what I did there? Sorry, moving on!

I’m all for titillation as long as it is an integral part of the story but this just seemed like perversion for perversion’s sake.

-Mark

From the pseudonym I think it's fairly safe to assume this will be a Frankenstein script. Not particularly pulled in by the logline.

Seeing the title on the first page isn't a good sign.

I liked the writing initially, but then you lost me toward the middle of the script. Everything was just so gratuitous. I can see that you enjoyed writing it, but it was a little much for me. Not because of the violence, but purely because it didn't add anything to the story. In the end, it detracted from it. I think the balance is all wrong here which spoils some nice writing.

4 out of 10.

I read this earlier and didn't want to comment as I thought it was me and my non-native english origin. First time I read it, I had no clue what I just read. Just read it again, and I'm still not convinced I got it.

It is difficult to read for me, so many fussy words, felt like a vocabulary test at times. In my (again: non-native english) point of view, it's a fine line between using strong verbs/adjectives and going over the top with it. The dialog adds to this confusion. I guess most (or all) of it is slang which is valid somewhere. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but take my comment as a hint in case you like to submit this anywhere where people didn't grow up with english. Probably a more 'dumbed down' language would be helpful in that case.

Another thing which makes this a difficult read, is the large amount of ancillary characters. Again, I think less is more here. Within just ten pages, readers are already busy memorizing and getting familiar with the key characters, so it doesn't help if new names are thrown at us on every page, that might work better in a feature length script where we got more time to paint a picture of the major characters.

I can't comment on the story really, still didn't get it I think, and I waved the white flag trying to figure out the somewhat cryptic speech at some point.

The good news...

I read the entire script.  It's the kind of script that keeps you guessing, so that's a positive for sure.

You have some "snappy" writing at times and "witty" dialogue at times.

The not so good news...

Much of the witty writing and snappy dialogue are way overdone to the point where I considered stopping.

Way too many wrylies and the like.

Too many unnecessary characters, and the unnamed ones who speak are an issue as well.

The bad news...

Strange flow and awkward writing is a definite issue you need to look into.

Page 1 is a mess with the title showing up.

Just too many locales and some completely unbelievable things going on.

The ending doesn't make much sense to me, and left me completely scratching my sack.

The thing about the EMT being Frankenstein's Monster is both absurd and downright dumb, IMO, and really lowered the overall grade and reaction to the entire script.

Which leads me to a grade of...

C

I enjoyed this at first. The first half or so. When Summer leaves with the credit card and we get the flashback with Jack slicing up Raven things started going down hill, IMO. First of all, don't they have security at this place? Too much mayhem in the second half. I didn't really see the Frankenstein part coming at all. It seemed out of left field. I think if you rewrote this after the OWC, I would suggest skipping the monster thing and maybe just do a killer in a brothel kind of horror.

I enjoyed the writing itself.

OK, ya. A couple of strange things going on here that need to be cracked like a whodunit.

No need to cram your title into the first page to skim on the page count. The title page is not included in the story (count), and you could actually have submitted 11 pages with a proper title page. Just an FYI there.

I'm thinking your original classic monster (here) is Jack the Ripper? ...and he's a sexual deviant to boot, making him a world class fruitcake in the worst possible way. As well, there's a suggestion that the original Ripper rode around in a stage coach with a Royal Crest on the side, or insignia to appear legit and no one would question the motive behind its presence...stay with me, lol.

Anyways, perhaps the EMT/Lieutenant and their (badges, insignias, crests) filled that void here, but you telegraphed that  tidy ending up front -- with the phone call. That is, that Jack had a secret plan with Ruze.

However, it turns out that Jack was no more than a patsy in a sick game of 'Kill People' (similar to the 'We're comin' to get you' donor vans driving around China and snatching body parts out of people for the highest bidders, usually the elite, so they can jet set all over the world, stealing everyone's money; sans failing organs n' shit).

But they (freaks) are not selling because the EMT is actually Dr. Frankenstein's Monster and Ruze has f*ked up Gonads... see, they wanna' keep them organs so they can re-invigorate themselves and create scary, sewn together, rotting flesh wives to satisfy their sexual depravity and unholy blood lust...

I may be wrong.

Crazy story but with solid writing. Weirdly entertaining.

So much seems to be happening as a preamble to the real story, but I can't get a handle on the plot - I find myself skipping ahead to get to the gist.

I also feel the writing is trying too hard to be clever - I 'm seeing too much of the author at work, if you get my drift. . Story wise, when we finally get to Frankenstein, with the torture porn prior, I'm clearly just not your audience demographic. I think some lines are creatively written but my last word of advice is, loosen up, shake it out, and pare it back a bit.

From a format and style perspective everything is relatively solid.

The dialogue was uninspired – fairly stereotypical.

I got a little confused when Jack shows up at the brothel. Is the raven haired girl from the airport RAVEN? i.e., Raven was her name – not her hair color when first introduced. Also didn’t understand how she shows up at this brother where Jack is at after taking off on a plane earlier.

IMO the monster was introduced far too late in the story.

Henry Clerval,

This was ok. Got a little confusing and the end was a little underwhelming. Writing was decent. Dialogue and character introductions need work. A lot going on here. Not sure if I liked it or not. Pretty messy at the moment though.

Also your title page (or lack of) should be fixed.

Good luck.

Glenn.

Writer,

Decent story, this one. Your set up was a bit slow, not sure we needed the while birthday intro. And I'm not sure you needed the flashback there in the middle -- those two things just seemed to slow this down. Other than that, it seems pretty well written and would've gone by at a nice clip. Still, the ending wasn't my favorite. As far as twists go, this was a little weak, IMO. Not sure where you could've gone with it. For what it's worth, I think it worked -- just not for me. Could've been a lot better.

Steve

Hmmmm.... copyright on the main page?

BTW - strange disclosure, but I know there's someone on the boards who (incorrectly) figured I wrote this one.  So, for that reason, it was a fun - and personally interesting read.

My impression: I loved the starting banter at the airport.  And the colorful, bizarre characters. And the title as well.

I admit, I kind of lost interest as this went along...  the average script on this OWC is about 11 pages - which I think is *probably* too long for most of these tales.  This one included.

And - I rather lost track after awhile as to who was who.  IE: is Jack the Ripper?  And how *exactly* does Frankenstein fit into all this?  I have a feeling there's a solid quirky story at the bottom of this.  But (IMHO) you'll need to refine and chip a lot away....

Cheers,

--J (W)

Checkpoint Charlie

I wouldn't start a scene with dialogue; personally.

Alex? Must be a slip of the pen ;-) happens, no worries

I like the self-irony of this one. It's able to deliver what it wants, in a terse style.

Except for difficult location (airport), it meets the criteria - some gore, dark tone, although lots of humor and sarcasm; liked all of that.

Is it cobbled together somehow? Yep, I think so; but the writer noticeable gives a f*** on that and that's what makes this really good - The self-awareness about the self-irony makes a very entertaining storyline. Lots of talent.