Replacement Parts Too Small by A Horror Story Writer - Short, Horror - Three friends acting on a dare run into Frankenstein monster looking for replacement parts. - pdf, format 8)

That was a unique take.

The old visit the abandoned house gag is a bit stale, but you told it well enough and the ending was funny.

When the genre is Horror, I always want to be left with something of a chill, personally speaking. The comedic turns feel like a cop out, to me. But I know other people are much more forgiving.

For people looking for comedy horror or horror comedy, it's decent.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Not a fan of the joke ending - just me probably

Good bits:-
1) Boom squish boom - nice
2) Well written, flows at a good pace
3) Liked the idea of replacement parts and the new ones being wrong size

Rules
Think this hits them all okay, budget could be a stretch

Overall I thought this was okay, personally not  fan of the joke end but others may be

Anthony

The title kinda gives away the punchline.

I dunno about this, the writing is good it's just 7 minutes of kids daring each other and then the payoff is a comedy one when the tone up to this point has been serious and tense. It's like a really long sketch.

I also think pulling off the monster the way it's been described would be expensive.

I'm on the fence with this one.

-Mark

For the first 3 pages you have three kids just keep telling each other they are chicken shit and daring each other to do something you won't tell us. I think you could cut all this to half a page.
You repeat stuff. For example on p 4 you have a kid say stand back twice - you don't need that I think.
Only on p6 we learn there was a homicide in a house they are trying to envade. You still don't tell us what for.
p7 they keep daring each other - I don't think you need that anymore.

But I liked the ending very much - it's a friendly Frankenstein monster. How sweet!

Well written, but I agree with Khamanna. This takes way too long to get going. the kids talking doesn't further the story much. I'd say you can easily cut two pages from the beginning.

Good job once they get inside though.

I also think you should change the title, because it gives the ending away. The ending is funny, so it's the punchline so to speak. You want to keep that reveal until the end.

I liked it.

This is competently written but fails to accomplish much. I was hoping there would be more to the story than what was revealed in the logline, but there's not - at all. Actually, the title alone gives it away. Really a one gag story. It's a comedy/horror thing, and that's cool, but I wish there was more comedy and/or more horror - just more of something! Meh. :-/

Replacement Parts Too Small

Fenced fence fence
Old house old house

Cut repetitions of this type and differentiate more if you like

Could be a good Halloween script. Yet it stumbles around, too much dialogue, especially the opening is dragging. You could start with them throwing the stone into the window and leave out this whole "homework/told my mother this and that-stuff", for my taste.

Solid story though. The title makes sense in the end :-)

Frankie again. Good title, like it.

I take it Matt is the same age as Sydney and Raymond. It'd have been nice if you said that though. He could be a pensioner experiencing second childhood.

Is Sydney named after the city? Does he have a friend called Melbourne? Sorry about that. Back to plot...

I was a bit puzzled as to why they had to cut their way through the fence. I thought they'd be more likely to climb over it. Seems a bit weird. But the people in McDonalds were in no mood to argue, and Kentucky was empty. I didn't go in Burger King as it's miles away.

Dialogue is pretty good so far. It sounds like kids talking, which isn't always so easy to do.

Could have done with a room at the end of page four in the header.

Hmm, seems a little late page wise, and no sign of a monster yet. Oh, there it is.

Felt a bit lacking at the end. Needs a bit more story. Not a bad idea by any means. I think a bit of expanding might work well.

R

I'll assume Matt's age is the same as his pals, although I wonder about Sydney and Raymond being "between twelve and thirteen' with one year difference, is there that much of a difference?

The order in which they follow each other after crossing the fence isn't needed. Especially the second time.

Loads of "don't be a chicken" dialog between the youths. I wanted the story to get going. The babble didn't make it suspenseful. The dialog wasn't played for laughs. It felt like filler.

A Frankenstein Monster shows up, with a bad eye. Comes as an afterthought, and besides...why is there an A in front of Frankenstein's monster?  It should be pointed out that there is no Doctor Frankenstein in this story. I know that's a big nitpick, but when I think about what I read, it could be The Mummy, Dracula, a zombie or any other classic horror icon. There is no threat to the kids, thier main scare is simply getting caught and nothing more. On the plus side, he's just misunderstood.

Script is alright overall, but has nothing to get attention and won;t stand out, good or bad. It's bland.

Not feeling the kids at the start too much. Eager to get into the story. Some of the dialogue comes across as forced, like an adult trying to talk like a kid, so unrealistic. I think kids are the hardest to get right. I've got four of the little feckers and I'd struggle too.

Jesus... page 4 and this is still going. This is a 10 page script and I can't help but feel the pacing will suffer. Well, it already is. The beginning is a real slog.

Too much talking. OTN.

Page 7... still nada. So, I'm guessing that the monstrous bit will be at the end. Sorely tempted to skip.

Yep, skipping...

Ah, hold on, scroll back... there's a scream, bottom of page 8.

Right. OK. Not for me.

5 out of 10.

Writer,

I think the set up took way too long to get to the heart of this story. And when it finally did, it did exactly as the title said. I mean, a cute premise but not alot of meat on the bones. Nice effort, though. Just didn't work for me.

Steve

The good news...

Mostly free of obvious errors and complete, based on previous reviews.

The not so good news...

Way too long a setup with nothing really happening.

Awkwardly phrased sentences, missing a subject often.

Characters not well intro'd - use an exact age, as only you know how old your characters are, and why Matt's age isn't given is a mystery.

The bad news...

I baled on Page 4, as it was so dull and repetitive.

Title seems to give ending away, which ain't a good thing.

Dialogue OTN, repetitive, and unrealistic.

Which leads me to a grade of...

C-

A Horror Story Writer,

This takes way too long to get going. The kids just talk and talk for ages, none of what they're saying of any importance. Being whimps or being brave has nothing to do with the ending, so why build it up so much. Also, as a character, Sydney was annoying as hell!

I get you went for the cute, funny ending and it worked ok, just not for me.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Ok, you have had the feedback this script needs on pacing, set up etc no need to repeat

As I see it you have taken a cliched situation, kids breaking into an abandoned house where a murder took place, and don't make it different. It doesn't appeal to me.

The kids are annoying, daring each other etc . Remember what we need to do, same but different.  So, why not make them young scientists searching for evidence of the after world. They want to make contact with the dead person but stumble into the real world. Not great, but you see the difference.

I also like the idea of them out witting the monster. They spot what he needs but before he kills one they argue the parts don't fit etc

All the best

You should never let your title steal your punchline.

THE GOOD:  The Monster's dialogue is amusing.  The boom-squish thing is an interesting device to raise a bit of mystery and pull the reader forward.    

THE BAD:  Your kids sound identical.  They've no personality of their own to differentiate them from one another, and that weakens the story.  The tone is all over the place, going from a smart-mouth juvenile kind of Goosebumps thing to total dismemberment then finally to a slapstick finish.  Who is the audience for such a story?      

bert's grade:  D+  

This one's relatively enjoyable.  :)

For me, it's a *touch* too long... it could probably be trimmed three pages to sharpen it up.  And you've got to explain exactly how the monster's there.  Did he start the rumor of a murder?  Or was it Frankenstein that killed the victim, and stored him there until his work could be finalized?  IE: I think there could be some clarification - but there's a lot of potential fun to be had here!

Cheers,

--J (W)