A Mummy's Search by Helen Grosvenor - Short, Horror - After being awakened in the midst of a massacre, a mummy must search for his dearly beloved to save the world from complete and utter chaos. - pdf, format 8)

Oh, come on, this is not low-budget at all.

Your Mummy is very talky for a mummy.
And you didn't name the grave characters. You could have just two and name them.

The introduction of Mummy's name is all wrong IMO. I couldn't understand who was Bob in there for the first couple of minutes - had to reread that part.

Too many exclamation marks for my liking.

It's not for me because although you did introduce the conflict and Mummy's task you didn't add the urge to it. Bob needs his queen but what for? That I don't know and I think I should to root for him.

Lost me at the passport area. Who is Bob? I like the title play on curse.

Good description to open. I’m having trouble placing the Grave Robber’s accent, though. The first line rings in my ear like a Canadian pirate. For grave robbers in Egypt, my first expectation would be Arabic, so that probably doesn’t help me hear it either.

Okay, so the humor is obviously intentional. It’s definitely absurd. Maybe I should ignore things like, how does the Mummy decapitate people, throw people out of airplanes in mid-air, yet no one really seems to try to stop him or present any obstacle, but I’m still kinda stuck on it. It’s wild, but maybe too wild? There still needs to be some sort of grounding or consistency. In one scene people shoot at him, in another they think he’s just an old dude, and it makes the humor hard to digest when you’re unsure how the world is meant to be reacting to him or why.

Okay, a mummy punching his crotch and saying, “why won’t you work?” is funny, regardless of context.

Cowboy Sam… I feel like I’ve heard that name before…

Okay, so this is over the top ridiculous, no where near low budget and all of this is possibly intentional. The humor was hit and miss for me, but does that even matter? Hmmm....

This isn’t low budget at all and reads a bit like a pisser but maybe it’s just an outrageous comedy. To me it isn’t within even the spirit of the challenge, so that’s all I think I can say on this.

-Mark

Not for me.

Not low budget, and not horror.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Why do the Graverobbers speak like pirates, then from the west indies and then normal english?
2) Your English is pathetic - funny but a bit odd given Mummies shouldn't know any English at all
3) Is there a scene missing? You say the Mummy goes through the airport again - when was the first time
4) Lost me, he's killed a woman. Mother? And her head is on top of his? And he has her passport, but she's called Bob?
5) Unfortunately I stopped on page 5

Good bits:-
1) Could work as a VERY surreal comedy.

Rules
I think this is a long way from low budget

Overall I didn't think this fit the brief of this OWC and even as a comedy it lacked any real internal logic.

Anthony

Writer,

I'm speechless. Won't even go into a review here, but this had me laughing throughout at the absurdity of it all. My favorite scene was when Bob the Mummy told a mother and her child to go "fuck off!" Lol

Steve

I gave it 4 full, fair pages to grab me, but no.

Ah...  Mah...  Gah!

This is probably  'THE' most epic adventure I've seen in these parts... for an OWC that is. I definitely laughed out loud to some of the absurd dialog, scenes, etc.

Re: the "Northern Pirates... eh", I think you're confusing Minnesota with North Dakota, lol.

Pigfuck?

Lol... Might just call someone that in the near future to see what kind of reaction it throws my way... could be entertaining.

I was seriously lost in the mix, but just kept going to see where we went next. Imaginative to say the least...

Hey I started,but when. It went from Cairo to the airport I stopped...you know why!

Too many to read

I did like the correction on the English though

Pseudonym is a character from The Mummy. Shows some consideration which is a plus. The log is also pro... but what I like about it is the mocking tone. The way it is too by-the-book to be taken seriously Two pluses before I open the script.

Code Sand flows like the trenches of a river. Fluttering side to side like snow, covering the faces of THREE GRAVE ROBBERS.

I think the above is overkill. Using your own words:

Sand flutters from side to side like snow, covering the faces
of THREE GRAVE ROBBERS as they dig.

I feel it is important to reveal what the Grave Robbers are actually doing. As it reads, the visual could imply they are buried up to their necks, perhaps there after being caught robbing graves. That's how I initially interpreted it.

Code The Grave Robbers, spades in their hands, plunge them deep into the ground. They throw sand to and fro, until --

If you mention earlier what they are doing, then these lines can be deleted and get straight to the dialogue after we see the bodies.

Code GRAVE ROBBER #1 Oi, maties, I has found’em somethin’ hard, eh.

I had to double check the SUPER... and yes, it says 2015. Who talks like that today?

Code The Duo look towards their partner. He reaches inside. Dusting off specs of dirt to reveal a door.

It seems this one is having a laugh.

Code GRAVE ROBBER #2 Must be what’ve killed them, methinks. What’ve you want’en to doin’, boys?

Verified.

I can't take this one seriously. Sorry.

1 out of 10.

A MUMMY'S SEARCH

Yeah, completely ironic toward the challenge, in any imaginable aspect. Somehow I like these when they bring in some variety when reading scripts about the same subject again and again.

If a pisser would be bound to any rules, then I'd say let the mummy stay in the rap/ night life society from start to finish... It enjoys its presence there.

Some good laughs on the dancefloor.

I suppose if you're rich, it's low budget. :)

Grave Robber's dialogue reads like he's a pirate.

Dialogue overall doesn't work me, sorry - it's this strange Brit/Pirate speak, blended with a little Minnesotan. Doesn't really tickle my funny-bone.

Lots of 'telling' going on:

The Mummy examines the scene. The bloodshed. Pain. Torment.
Everything around him.

Don't know what I'm meant to be looking at there.

I must engage in
coitus with her before tomorrow...'

Eww, really?

Hmm, real clash of cultures, fish out of water idea etc.  I get it, but it doesn't quite gel for me. Good effort in doing something alternative... Nice to see a Mummy for a change too.

Hey, the Mummy!  Something a little different, I thought.  Be careful what you wish for.

THE GOOD:  I read all of it.  Sheer curiosity pulled me along.      

THE BAD:  I haven't the time.  Those who think me too harsh are invited to read it themselves.  

bert's grade:  D-

The good news...

I was waiting for a Mummy script.

The not so good news...

But not like this one.

The bad news...

I'm out after Page 1.  Not sure if this is a pisser or just a very poor effort, but it reads like a joke...but I'm not laughing.

Which leads me to a grade of...

F

I have a feeling this took longer to read than it did to write...

With such wilful disregard for the spirit of the challenge, this was going to have to be hilarious and/or very well executed to make it feel worthwhile.

Sorry to say, it wasn't. Take this bit:

Quoted Text EXT. STREETS OF EGYPT - DAY The Mummy traverses through, dodging, turning, people gaze at him in awe. Some scream. Others shoot at him. Mummy rolls his eyes. They all die in an instant.

How hard were you actually trying there? Same with the grave diggers' dialogue - it doesn't feel like you cared particularly, just bashed something out. Comedy isn't the 'easy option', takes just as much work. And if you don't care, why should we?

Sorry if that's harsh, but it just felt like a bit of a waste of everyone's time.

Helen Grosvenor,

From the start, it was obvious this isn't low budget. So I skimmed through. You don't even try to keep it low. Didn't follow the rules and overall this is all a bit crazy.

Not for me.

Glenn.

Ah.  Clearly a pisser.  I actually did like the first page of this one... strong, evocative writing - and a touch of mayhem when the Mummy first appears...

But then, it really degenerated into comedy.  A comedy that *could* have worked, but I really feel this one ran on too slow, and dove too far into the realm of slapstick.  Plus, there was a little voice in my head that kept complaining that the Mummy wouldn't have known such modern insults.  So that threw me off right there.  Okay - I know you can't expect 'organic' writing with everything you read... but it just didn't solidify in a way that made me truly satisfied....