Monster In The Woman by Dena McKinnon - Short, Horror - You can take the monster out of the woman, but can you take the woman out of the monster? 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm guessing this was written for the OWC just finished but didn't make the time cut.

I like the writing and you painted a solid story but in the end I was left empty by the result. The reason I didn't read many OWC's, not my thing.

It was my second script for owc...I couldn't decide which to choose. I usually come up with too many ideas and then none of them are great. *sigh* But it was fun writing for sure. :)

Dena,

the monster is in the comments?

I like this idea.  Man wants to keep his wife alive and finds a way, although the way is flawed.  That works, but this rendition didn't work for me.  I found no clear mechanism that turns the cat into a monster.  And how the cat manages to grind up itself...well, I'll leave that for others to figure out.

In the original Frankenstein, didn't the use of a bad brain cause the problems?  Not to mention the sheer size of the monster.  

And in other stories, the use of evil magic brings its own share of pay back.  Pet Cemetary anyone?

But this one relies too much on the off screen story.  Simple rejuvenation doesn't alter thoughts and feelings, does it?  I've never flatlined, so I don't know.  In any case, I think you owe the audience something more.  Another point, the husband throttling the cat so his wife can see it seems far too fortuitous for the story.  What sane man would do it where a passerby can see?  

Best
Richard

Quoted from RichardR Dena, the monster is in the comments? [/b]My thoughts in the logline 'take the monster out of the woman' mean the cancer. He wanted to save his wife but he had to kill her and bring her back to do so. I like this idea.  Man wants to keep his wife alive and finds a way, although the way is flawed.  That works, but this rendition didn't work for me.  I found no clear mechanism that turns the cat into a monster.  And how the cat manages to grind up itself...well, I'll leave that for others to figure out. [b]I didn't have time to show all that, I agree that it needed to somehow be shown but it was a warning or foreboding that when he did this to his wife...he may end up with the same thing...a monster. Perhaps the dying soul doesn't want to be brought back...I mean who knows? In the original Frankenstein, didn't the use of a bad brain cause the problems?  Not to mention the sheer size of the monster.   [/b]This isn't the original. Nor did I want to copy too much from that. Creative decision. And in other stories, the use of evil magic brings its own share of pay back.  Pet Cemetary anyone? [b]Again I do not like to copy other stories even though it's proven and it works. But this one relies too much on the off screen story.  Simple rejuvenation doesn't alter thoughts and feelings, does it?  I've never flatlined, so I don't know.  In any case, I think you owe the audience something more.  Another point, the husband throttling the cat so his wife can see it seems far too fortuitous for the story.  What sane man would do it where a passerby can see?   [b][/b]Agree Richard. Thank you for reading this. If there is anything I can read for you to return the favor...send me a pm. Best Richard

Hi dena

It's funny but when you leave an OWC often the story you've written often shows it was squeezed into the criteria, as they all are , really. This shows here.

However, there  is something in this I like. It's not new but the idea of paying a price to get something back, on this occasion his wife, only to discover it's never the same. The price of desire, or messing with natural causes.

Here I liked the part that she's able to express herself afterwards, perhaps unlike she was able to before. The conclusion would either be they have a deeper relationship, after a. Stumble, or it goes tits up. I can guess which one you would go for.

Cheers

I really like this! I had a fit of laugh on page 7, when he discovers her riding him. I find the whole idea rather unique. This short story has many sides - melancholic one, funny one, scary one... Yes, true, the ending is not exactly uplifting and encouraging!

Thanks Reef and Marcela. I had fun with it.

Hi Dena... sorry about my response to your story in the OWC, but this one isn't going to be any better. I can't help but think that something is wrong or going on in your life that is affecting your writing. I was going to ignore this, but I figured it would actually be worse to do that... and, at the same time, I cannot bullshit you. Even if that's what you'd prefer, I'm afraid I just can't do that.

You have OTN dialogue on the first page. The very first words uttered are OTN. Not only that, but it doesn't really make much sense. At least, not to me.

Code FRAN But the chemo’s killing me faster than the cancer, Joe. I’m so weak. JOE Babe, you have to go, for me. FRAN But you’re a doctor. You said there was a way...

Joe already knows where she is going and what she is going for, so the only reason she says that is to pass information along to the viewer. Not a good opening line of dialogue. On screen, I would zone out right away.

His next line, and I would switch it off. But, let's roll with it. Why does she have to go, and why would it be for him?

Then the next line from Fran tells us that he has a different method for curing her, yet he still wants her to go because he's not sure if he's right or not... then why tell her in the first place and get her hopes up? She also calls him a doctor... there are lots of types of doctors. Being a doctor of philosophy is not going to help cure cancer... well, most likely not, anyway.

Are people meant to be like, oh, he's a doctor so of course he can do all sorts of scientific things that would ordinarily take an entire team? He would have to be a brilliant, brilliant man... yet, we're outside a ranch in cookie cutter suburbia. Maybe he watched a few youtube videos. It's what I do when I need to fix something on the car.

The way this is written, he's just a doctor of who knows what that has a way to cure his wife that he isn't sure about, so she should, for him, go and have the chemo that is killing her faster than the cancer.

There are too many issues just from the opener. This needs better delivery. Show us how brilliant he is, don't just use a throwaway comment like 'Doctor' to explain everything. It's weak and does an immediate disservice to your story. Same with her, show us how weak and dying she is. She wouldn't need to come out with it in dialogue. Certainly not like that, anyway.

Code FRAN Alright then, your princess is off for cocktails. Get my throne ready.

She perked up quick. I take it that she's joking about the cocktails but it's difficult to tell. I don't understand what get my throne ready means. In my country, sitting on the throne can mean to sit on the toilet... which is kinda how I'm picturing this right now, which isn't right, I'm sure. The only other image I can conjure is an actual throne. But I don't suppose this matters if shot in the US as it will probably be quite a normal thing to say there.

Code EXT. SMITH HOUSE - CONTINUOUS She walks toward the house but stops right before the front door. Through a bay window she stares in shock at Joe, his hands in a tight clutch around a black cat’s neck dangling, clawing and gasping for air.

So, in the time it's taken to realise that she's forgotten her keys and walked back to the house, her husband has managed to capture and is now throttling a cat to death. That's fast. He didn't even wait for her to drive away. So we now have this brilliant man who is adept at bringing things back to life, actually struggling to kill a cat with his bare hands. Preposterous.

Code FRAN What are you doing Joe!? The neighbor’s cat?

More OTN dialogue. Do we really need to know who the cat belongs to? It's also not a natural reaction. I can understand the question, what are you doing? Personally, I'd assume the cat got in and was trying to attack him or something and he defending himself trying to get the cat out. I wouldn't assume somebody's guilt right away.

Code Joe looks up slowly. No words. A tear rolls down his cheek.

No words? There are obviously no words because there isn't any dialogue.

I did read the rest, but I struggle to find anything good to say about it. The story is very basic and simply not told well enough. A man wants to cure his wife. I read somebody call this original but I'm not getting that.

Sorry that I can't be more positive... but it doesn't matter what I think as I'm just one person. This story obviously has its fans. It's impossible to please everybody. Indeed, we should be happy if we even manage to please a handful. So well done on that.

As a side, the inmates in Rikers Island used to call AIDS the "monster".

"Yo, CO - I got da monster! "