The Bilderberg Bug by Jack Jones - Short, Horror, Thriller - A conspiracy theorist's patience is rewarded when he meets his nemesis face to face. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Quoted from Jack Jones A conspiracy theorist's patience is rewarded when he meets his nemesis face to face.

Hi. I'm just a writer, I'm not interested in making your story, nor am I interested in reading your story. They say there are only so many and, agreeing with that, I can safely say that I've read them all already. So, you're going to have to do everything right to get me to finish. In many ways, you'll have an easier time of it when producers read your work, because they tend to look at the story rather than the writing. Usually with new people I can't get past the first one or two action blocks. So take my thoughts for what they're worth. I'm not going to butter over my comments or use smilies.

First thoughts: Margins are off, but on the plus side there is lots of white space. Ew, a VO. Telling me the story instead of showing me.

Code GUY (V.O.) Since 1954, a collection of the world’s most powerful people, known as the Bilderberg Group, meet once a year in a remote location, usually an expensive hotel reserved for the super rich. Public entry is made inaccessible by impenetrable security.

Why not add some mystery. They say conflict keeps a story moving, but I don't believe conflict can ever be a match for mystery. Conflict can only carry a story so far and can even get boring. Being on the edge of your seat wondering wtf is going to happen next never gets boring.

Although quite nice, I don't believe that we need to know how long the group have been meeting for. The rest of the VO can be handled easily with visuals. The flash of an invitation bearing the Bilderberg logo and name from a guy in a tux to the security people. Trophy wives. Cougars. Maybe a helicopter landing, maybe two or three. Wherever your imagination wants to go, so long as it visually relays the information you want to share in as exciting a way as you can manage. VO is a very ugly way to do it.

Code A disregarded protest flyer sweeps across the ground. It reads: BAN BILDERBURG SCUM - UNCOVER THE TRUTH.com

Yeah, like that... only, I think you mean, discarded.

Code GUY (V.O.) Meeting details have never been revealed, prompting conspiracy theories the Bilderbergs are part of a secret society, an occult organisation plotting to create a totalitarian world government known as the New World Order.

Ah, a Brit. I can tell by the 's'. Again, the VO is horrible. Yawn-worthy. If you really need to share this information then it needs to be delivered better.

Code INT. HOTEL - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Moonlight seeps inside from ajar window curtains.

This is a terrible sentence. The way this is written, moonlight seeps from ajar window curtains. Moonlight actually seeps from the moon... which in turn is light reflected from the sun. So, I suppose it's really the sun. Just covering my bases.

Curtains being ajar isn't a normal description and slightly ajars me. Also, when one thinks of moonlight and curtains, we probably wouldn't assume the writer meant the shower curtain, particularly if the scene isn't set in a bathroom. Window curtains is unnecessary. Just 'curtains' will suffice.

Code INT. HOTEL - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Moonlight seeps inside from ajar window curtains. An empty auditorium. A projector screen on a stage. Tables covered in thick white sheets display an organized collection of empty champagne flutes and wine glasses.

Are we in a conference room or an auditorium? Ah... now you've used the 'z' in the same word you used an 's' in earlier. Make up your mind. Aren't there any coffee cups? What about tumblers for spirits? Just wine and champagne?

Now more VO. That's enough for me for now. Join up, participate and learn for free along the way.

Thanks for the read, Dustin.  Great points, I never would have clocked the S and Z spelling mishap otherwise.

The moonlight curtain ajar thing... yeah, that sentence sucks. You chose a good point to stop because there's probably more of the same further ahead. I should have proofread this sucker more closely.

Appreciate the read.

Jack,

Comments from the undreground.

From the start, I think this one is far too much tell and not much show.  The action is subdued if it's there at all.  We have a guy hiding under a table covered with a white tablecloth, and the tightest security in the world doesn't find him?  Leave that aside and you still show little but vague images and some conspiratorial chat.  Even the thing that gets him isn't really described.

I think you might try showing more of this story rather than telling it.  Think of a high tech setting where the room is swept hourly for intruders.  How does Guy get in?  How does he manage to record?  How does the group conjure up the thing that takes him?  

Best
Richard

Hi Jack! I liked to read your story, wanted to know the end. When I got the idea - these Bilderbergs are not even human beings - I got scared. The whole scene resembles the one from The Witches, 1990, when two kids hide in the meeting hall full of witches. That scene was one of the scariest for me when I was a kid. Well, may be you can get some good hints how to improve your script if you watch or rewatch this movie, especially, this particular scene.
Also I believe you are lacking in visualization.  If you show more hints that main guests are not humans at all, you gain the gradual scare rise.
Good luck with it and keep writing!

Thanks Oksana for the read, bit crazy that you dug this up but hey, grateful for the read and thanks for your time to write your thoughts, always welcome and incredibly appreciated.

I did write this on a whim, a  student director had a hall free for a few hours and I came up with this. The script (haha) has been altered since then, I went a little overboard, but it's basically the same as we would have shot -- a guy under a table!

I have seen The Witches 1990, but barely remember it.  Witch with a big nose, right? Kids turned into mice?

I don't think I'm lacking in visualization, ( perhaps this draft)  it's meant to be seen POV from under the table. You only see what you see at the last second, that's the big scare/reveal.

Thanks for reading and offering your views, appreciated!

EDIT: Yes, this is a very early draft. I did not have long to do it and this was the basics....  I also remember not having the best relationship ever with the initial guy that was interested in this, and I think I ended up giving it to someone else