Anna by Timothy Acosta  - Short, Drama - Two best friends become distant after their parents infidelity comes to light.  11 pages - pdf, format 8)

This comes off to me as a writing down thoughts and feelings about what you're GOING to write, so I wouldn't even call this a first draft. The story is confusing to me as well. Hard to read and figure out what's going on and I should be able to follow, but then it could be my brain ain't what it used to be.

Tim,

Comments from the other classroom.

You give us a lot of stuff to digest, and some of it will be hard to bring out in film.  The opening scene works because it's topical.  I think you can cut some of it and forget anything that can't be seen on the film.  Two girls fighting.  Other people getting into it.  

Then we go into a long series of shots meant to evoke emotion, but the feelings are all on the screen, not in the audience.  And we don't need some of the scenes, such as the little one of getting the mail.  Why?  Just jump to the bedroom and keep moving.  

One of the problems I had with this is that the inciting incident comes toward the end of the film.  The scene between Whitney, Leah, and Mike is what starts this battle, but we don't get that till long after they girls fight.  For me, it's too late.  I had already decided that it was simple bad blood between former friends.  Often, teens need nothing more than a change of heart.  

Best
Richard