Revenge Of The Rabbit Killer by Jack Jones - Short, Horror, Dark Comedy - A psychopathic killer meets his match.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

A twisted irony decently told. Didn't find it humorous though, even darkly.

Nice job. - quick pace - easy read.

Not a big fan of the title - but that is a small complaint.

Jack,

Comments hop on little feet.

A nice little tale.  My problem comes at the end with rabbit killer.  I don't like coincidence in stories.  Yes, I know the radio announcer gave us the info that rabbit killer had escaped, but what are the chances of Guy meeting him in the woods?  especially after Guy tried running down a rabbit and dropping his gun?  Generally, hunters don't race through woods with a loaded weapon.  Too many things can go wrong.  

And I think you might get more mileage out of Rabbit Killer if he never says a word.  He simply shoots.  No need for anything more.

Best
Richar

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, appreciated.

Hey Jack,

a few notes as I read:

Quoted Text Guy keeps his eyes on the trail as he crawls excitedly back into the woods.

How does one 'crawl exitedly' ?

All his monologue while he's shooting the rabbits is pure exposition to get his back story across.
In fact, the whole thing relies on that exposition. Doesn't work for me, sorry. Good luck with it!

Thanks for reading, appreciated.

Quoted from Equinox How does one 'crawl exitedly' ?

By being excited whilst one crawls.

Quoted from DustinBowcot By being excited whilst one crawls.

Seems like a strange image to me, at least I've got trouble imagining this.

Well written. Perhaps you can find a way to not say "guy" so often? Kinda awkward to read so much.can't say this worked for me, but still an interesting visualization.

Quoted from Equinox Seems like a strange image to me, at least I've got trouble imagining this.

Imagine that you're excited. Now, imagine yourself crawling at the same time.

Maybe you're crawling toward a scantily clad beauty... or, a pool of water after almost dying of thirst in the desert. Just off the top of my head. Personally, I quite like the idea of the first one.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Imagine that you're excited. Now, imagine yourself crawling at the same time. Maybe you're crawling toward a scantily clad beauty... or, a pool of water after almost dying of thirst in the desert. Just off the top of my head. Personally, I quite like the idea of the first one.

Well, the picture of exitedly crawling towards a scantily clad beauty gives me the association of a satire ... or a scat movie... or a black&white Charlie Chaplin film. I don't think the author had anything like that in mind.

If I think of a hunter in the forest, who tries to shoot a rabbit or two, I'd think he'd probably crawl intently or focused, I think of him stalking up on the rabbit, making a play for it. If he crawls exitedly, I get the image of a man trailing his tongue behind him over the forest floor which I find irritating.

You folks are weird. Just saying!  Lol

Quoted from Equinox Well, the picture of exitedly crawling towards a scantily clad beauty gives me the association of a satire ... or a scat movie... or a black&white Charlie Chaplin film. I don't think the author had anything like that in mind.

I didn't say that he did. I asked you to imagine yourself crawling toward a scantily clad beauty.

It seems that you cannot imagine different levels of excitement depending on context. Obviously being excited about one thing will look different to being excited about another. Yet you seem to think excitement only looks like something from a cartoon with a giant tongue hanging out and panting. Perhaps it's a culture thing.

In any event, the description the writer gave is perfectly fine. It is you at fault for not understanding it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot In any event, the description the writer gave is perfectly fine. It is you at fault for not understanding it.

That's fine, everybody should have their own opinion. You think a hunter 'exitedly crawling' is perfectly fine, I think it's as strange as a policeman exitedly pointing his gun at someone. Just doesn't reflect a realistic behaviour imo.

Quoted from Equinox I think it's as strange as a policeman exitedly pointing his gun at someone. Just doesn't reflect a realistic behaviour imo.

I imagine that certain police officers would get excited while pointing their gun at someone, as is evident from they shooting unarmed people. There's a certain level of excitement to be had when you have ultimate power over somebody else. A police uniform doesn't make any difference. It's still a human being wearing it.

I think you're confused with the differences between ideal and realistic behaviour.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I imagine that certain police officers would get excited while pointing their gun at someone, as is evident from they shooting unarmed people. There's a certain level of excitement to be had when you have ultimate power over somebody else. A police uniform doesn't make any difference. It's still a human being wearing it. I think you're confused with the differences between ideal and realistic behaviour.

Well, okay - you're probably right about U.S. cops, but it's not realistic here :-)

Quoted from Equinox Well, okay - you're probably right about U.S. cops, but it's not realistic here :-)

I wouldn't really know as the police in my country do not carry guns. They just enjoy tasering people and spraying them with pepper. They drive around, seven or eight strong, with weapons, looking for trouble. To cause trouble I mean. Some innocent guy walking home after a night out, doesn't want to be hassled. Van load of arseholes pull up, ask questions and try to provoke an attitude, as soon as they get what they want, they kick the shit out of you... and they're quite excited when they do so.

Anyway, I think the issue here, is that we're both perhaps thinking of different types of excitement. The word can have different connotations depending upon the context. Sexually excited will look different to a hunter's excitement. It just depends. It is then up to the reader to place the action within the correct context. To have the image of a sexually excited man who is just excited at the prospect of something good coming on the TV would be wrong... I think.

I'd really like to see an actor successfully transfer the state of excitement while he's crawling after a rabbit. If that turns out any way similar to the image I have of this, I'm pretty sure any rabbit in a radius of several miles would be gone until he reached his destination.

If I imagine a hunter in the forrest who spots a rabbit, I'd think he'd sneak to a good shooting position. He'd crawl slowly and quietly. If that hunter got excited just because he saw a rabbit, I'd have to ask myself - what did this guy hunt before? Flies? Cockroaches?

Quoted from Equinox I'd really like to see an actor successfully transfer the state of excitement while he's crawling after a rabbit.

Well Elmer Fudd managed it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Well Elmer Fudd managed it.

Yeah, seems like we're on the same page now :-)

Quoted from Equinox Yeah, seems like we're on the same page now :-)

I highly doubt that... and, I'm very high.

The guy located a target. He's excited about the prospect of sneaking up and killing his prey.
In hindsight, perhaps I could of used other descriptions, maybe "anticipating the kill, he crawls back into the woods" or something, but I dunno.... seems fine to me as it is.

Just because he's wearing camouflage and owns a gun does not mean he's particularly skilled at hunting. He hits two targets, but messes up the third. He's not that good. He's just an office bod who probably does a bit of hunting now and then to take out his stress. I could add more to his description to help avoid this confusion, or have him running "carelessly" with a loaded gun.

I wanted readers to paint their own picture of how Guy looked, but in my feeble excuse of a brain he would have appeared something like this:



Thank you everyone for the read, always appreciated.