Jacks and Five by Steve Dawson - Short, Psych Thriller - When five men play Russian roulette poker, the winning hand may also be a deadly hand.  12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Steve,

Comments come with their own bullets.

Let's start with the opening which seems overlong and too on the nose for me.  I'm know you're looking for drama, but wouldn't the impact be greater if this started like any ordinary poker night?  These guys are popping beers or mixing drinks, chatting, maybe a joke, waiting for their 5th player.  When he arrives and they're all seated, then the revolver and bullet come out, and the mood changes.  This becomes deadly.

I know they're playing texas hold 'em, but going through the hands seems over long, especially when written out.  The dialogue seems overblown as they don't have to call out hands, just show the cards.  Seems like a lot of work to eliminate one guy.  But that's me.

SPOILERS

Steve,

Posted too soon.

SPOILERS

I am no fan of the IT-WAS-JUST-DREAM ending.  Or in this case some kind of imaginary scene.  It cheats the audience.  So, your ending doesn't work for me.  

Best
Richard

Hi Steve - a few thoughts, just my opinion of course...

I thought that the chacters were a little cliche... but not sure if this was on purpose?

I play poker so had no issue reading the card scenes BUT like Richard I thought they might be a little over long, and given there's no actual betting between rounds happening here, is there any reason to use Holde Em?

You could achieve the same effect with them all just cutting for the high card, would streamline the script and the action - just a thought.

The end for me came out of the blue and had no real explanation... is it a dream, is he schizophrenic or something else?

For a while I thought he might be playing online poker and imagining his opponents... but don't think that's what you meant.

So think this has promise but needs work, especially the end.

Anthony

Hey Steve,

I liked this one. The tension was steady and the characters were different enough to be memorable Tommy and brock specifically. Ace and Flint were more based on their appearance or props and I didn’t really notice Bryce until I looked over it again.

I would recommend changing Bryces’  name so it’s not as close to Brock.

Tommy and Brock were really unique characters. Tommy’s euphoria was really strange and added a dark twist to everything and Brocks bro attitude was funny especially when he got such a rush out of being shot at.
If you make the other three as interesting as these two you’ll have something really special.

I have to agree with the others about the ending. The it-was-all-a-dream route feels more like a step back that a satisfying ending. It makes me feel like I wasted my time. That’s just my personal opinion.

Overall it is a really fun read.

Weeeeeeellllllll,

As I read, I started liking it more and more. Then I finished it and now I hate it. )

As a cool exercise, you created some tension about the scenario, 1 guy dies, but as indicated above, too much on the nose. You kept telling it over and over by different named characters which pretty much all sounded the same.

I suggest making 1 not speak at all... just play his facial and body expressions to demonstrate the tension.

And that ending totally didn't deliver. Yippeee ka ey mudda flooka!

BROCK(30s), baseball hat, t-shirt, jock, obnoxious, arrogantly leans back with two of the chair legs off the ground.

We can learn that Brock is obnoxious without you having to tell us.  


TOMMY(30s), overly happy, always smiling, always positive.

Same thing show don’t tell.