Zero to 100 by Nolan Bryand - Comedy - Now that training's over, the real crap begins. 82 pages - pdf, format 8)

Your logline gives me absolutely nothing. It might as well say, "I have no idea what my movie is about".

Do you mean for the title to read Zero to One Hundred or Zero to a Hundred? Both mean the same thing, but they sound different.

Do you mean that someone throws paint in his face? Say that.

Maybe it means now we get blown up.

Nolan,

Read to page 12 despite the issues reported above and I will add: "I still don't know what the fuck this about!" Sorry for the cuss word,  dawg.

Your writing is not bad, but without a clue where this headed, I'll bail.

Gl

Tony

I was having issues with the log line.  If anyone has any suggestions it would be great.  The story is about a new police officer.  He comes out of training and is into the job so the log line refers to that.  I'm open to suggestions.  I'm open to suggestions about the title as well.  Thanks.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Your logline gives me absolutely nothing. It might as well say, "I have no idea what my movie is about". Do you mean for the title to read Zero to One Hundred or Zero to a Hundred? Both mean the same thing, but they sound different. Do you mean that someone throws paint in his face? Say that.

My intention was for it to read "Zero to One Hundred", but I see what you mean with it being Zero to 100 that you can read it either way.  Thanks.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Nolan, Read to page 12 despite the issues reported above and I will add: "I still don't know what the fuck this about!" Sorry for the cuss word,  dawg. Your writing is not bad, but without a clue where this headed, I'll bail. Gl Tony

Thanks Tony, I appreciate the feed back.  I'll work on that log line.

Quoted from Nolan I was having issues with the log line.  If anyone has any suggestions it would be great.  The story is about a new police officer.  He comes out of training and is into the job so the log line refers to that.  I'm open to suggestions.  I'm open to suggestions about the title as well.  Thanks.

Obviously, you have a huge problem here. We couldn't figure what this was about as indicated and you had an opportunity to explain to us what it's about, but yet we still don't have enough to help you with a logline.

Unless you want to use: "another cop academy movie. It moves fast like a race car that does 0-100, really exciting."

Quoted from TonyDionisio Obviously, you have a huge problem here. We couldn't figure what this was about as indicated and you had an opportunity to explain to us what it's about, but yet we still don't have enough to help you with a logline. Unless you want to use: "another cop academy movie. It moves fast like a race car that does 0-100, really exciting."

No worries.  I'll explain it a little

Jake is a rookie cop.  The first few pages are a little insight into the training to become a police officer, and it's very brief, hence the montage.  

You can only prepare a cadet so much while in training, but once you get out into the field it's a huge learning curve.  Hence, zero to one hundred.  So the script is about the learning curve from training to be a police officer to policing for real.  And despite what they prepare you for in training, you see stuff that you never imagined would happen or that you'd deal with in your life.

I hope that helps.  

I may throw some eyes at this tomorrow, I have read a few pages already so far.

error page 2 "Snot bubbles bubble up in his nose as he clumsily looks around for the radio. "

Just a thought, but have you thought about trying to integrate parts of the montage to similar events in the story?


Your logline though will still be tricky to write out even with your description of the story,   "the script is about the learning curve from training to be a police officer to policing for real" doesn't seem all to interesting, is there anything specific, like a gang or individual that causes this learning curve?

Your current logline reminds me of the ones that Netflix uses...so vague you don't have a clue what it's about.

[quote=LIGHTFOOT]I may throw some eyes at this tomorrow, I have read a few pages already so far.

error page 2 "Snot bubbles bubble up in his nose as he clumsily looks around for the radio. "

Just a thought, but have you thought about trying to integrate parts of the montage to similar events in the story?


Your logline though will still be tricky to write out even with your description of the story,   "the script is about the learning curve from training to be a police officer to policing for real" doesn't seem all to interesting, is there anything specific, like a gang or individual that causes this learning curve?

Your current logline reminds me of the ones that Netflix uses...so vague you don't have a clue what it's about.[/quote

Other than the shooting at the range and driving part of the montage, they all have a link to the story.  I suppose those two could be omitted from the montage.  The more I think about it, the more I think that the name of the script may give the reader a false sense of what the story is about so I need to change that.  

I like your writing style, but there's no main plot.  It's just about a rookie officer learning the ropes of his new job.  I read up to page 40 and skimmed the rest.  There was no main plot that caught my attention.  Also, there wasn't a lot of comedy, IMO.  There were some humorous parts, but not enough to hold my attention.  In a way, reading your script was like reading a transcript from an episode of Cops.

As for the title, perhaps Learning Curve would be good?

You do a great job with the dialogue and the transitions from scene to scene are good.  Just focus more on a main plot.

Good luck! :)

I can't help but think what's at stake for this rookie?  Maybe the story is starting too early?  As it is right now, it's more of a documentary then a story (based on the logline discussions and explanations).

Why is the rookie doing this and what happens if he doesn't become a cop?  Is the training of the rookie cop really that important or is it more after he becomes a cop?

When a rookie cop thrown into the job, no training could prepare him for _______ and now he must work together with _______ before ________ it's too late.

Just some thoughts, but it's hard to write a log line without really knowing the story.  Plus I struggle too at it :)

Even better, google some plot structure guides and study GSU.

Okay, all good stuff.  I'll take a look at it and see what I can do.  Thanks for the valuable feedback, I appreciate it!

I have read up to page 40 and unfortunately will have to agree with a previous post, there is no story. All I have read so far is Jake doing his job and although a had a laugh at a few bits there isn't much else to keep me interested. You will need to give Jake a goal to achieve or a challenge to over come, something that will spark off some sort of story... for example maybe it was a fluke that he passed training and is now a cop, no one else knows this but him so he wants to prove to himself that he can be a great cop.

Hey Nolan, I got only to page 6, partially because I'm lazy today but mainly because, like everybody else said, I wanted a start of some kind of a conflict...  I liked the first three pages or so, I guess you can keep it as it stands now. Good luck with the rewrite,
Marcela