Man/Child by Anthony Brennan - Drama - A story about a meth addicted mum and her son's journey to find himself. 80 pages - pdf, format 8)

(1)
Two minutes? Don't push it, man. In the end, that's really up to the director/editor.

You're writing too much. "He is happy and content." We know. He's playing with toys and he's in a bath.

"She is having fun." We know. She's singing at a party.

"The scene shows the two of them in the bathroom." We know, they were already introduced.

"RICHARD stares at JACOB, this scene should keep focus on the two of them and attention should be paid to the time RICHARD spends looking at JACOB." Once again, don't focus so much on directing. The director will know he's a pervert and will make sure the audience knows. Just say Richard stares at Jacob or stares pervertedly if you have to.

"The two spend the night talking to each other." How do you mean this? It's not clear what we'd be seeing visually because "the night" is a long time over hours.

(10)
Similar issue here.
"Jacob eventually goes up to his room when Richard has fallen asleep. About half an hour later Richard calls him downstairs."

You need to format it differently. I get what you mean, but the standard is you put a CUT or a new header or something.

(11)
If he's in a completely dark room, say that instead of "Jacob's imagination" for the scene header.

(14)
Since they go outside and then to another house, you need a new scene header.

(15)
"RICHARD stares at JACOB, this scene should keep focus on the two of them and attention should be paid to the time RICHARD spends looking at JACOB."

Another line that is more explaining than showing. Write clear actions that would demonstrate this instead of lines that flat out say it.

I kinda skipped around. The rest is just my personal opinion on the story. To be honest, I'm just not feeling it. It's such a serious topic, but it mostly comes off as cliche and melodramatic. Essentially, I don't really care. Cheryl and Richard are so evil and we don't really get any time to know Jacob before it jumps straight into the molestation that it's just not compelling.

The very first scene Richard is being a perv and like two scenes later he's getting Jacob to touch his cock. There's just no finesse. Other films that take on something like this, usually do two routes.

One is that they make this molestation a big scene. They build up to it. They make us like this Jacob character, and maybe make the Richard character seem harmless at first (because the idea is that anyone can be a sex offender, but you don't even give that sense of that � Richard is just a terrible person). While there are people like that, they aren't very compelling to watch.

Your story seems to be about the ramifications of this incident rather than the incident itself, so maybe that isn't the route for you. The second way I've seen is where the film starts AFTER the molestation, and it lets the audience sort of connect the dots on our own. After all, half this story takes place after a timeskip to Jacob's adult life. Maybe that should be your movie. How much of these child scenes do we need?

I'm not saying you have to do it those ways; you are your own artist. But with the way you've written it, it just feels gratuitous. Too straightforward. Like torture porn.

I don't like the cutting back to the fetus. I think it's a lazy metaphor.

I don't know if I'm being fair. You have some good stuff like the gambling scene and then how it progresses to drugs, but I feel like something's missing. Or I feel like I've seen it before. I don't know. I'd understand if you disagree.

Wish I could help more. Look forward to seeing what other say.

Keep writing!

Hey Anthony,
I liked the logline and I am generally interested in the topic. I found the script interesting, with many technical issues though, many typos as well!
page 1 - I would stop watching any film where I would have to watch a fetus for 2 mins. It's a hell lot of time!
'CHERYL is receptive to RICHARD’S flirting and the two spend the night talking to each other.' Omit 'and the two spend the night talking to each other.' You are not writing a novel.
page 2 - after Jacob leaves the bathroom, use mini slug LIVING ROOM or wherever he goes next.
EXTERNAL SHOT OF SCHOOL - shouldn't be in capitals
I love the dialogue of Cheryl! Like from Jeremy Kyle show!
page 3 - I need a description for principal's assistant, especially gender. Age would be good too. Some basic characteristics and looks. I want all these before she starts talking!
The awful things that come out of Cheryl's mouth seem to be spot on!
page 5 - I'm suprised Cheryl has a job! I thought she was supposed to be a meth addict.
Page 7 - 'JACOB goes up into his room and starts reading, an hour later RICHARD calls him.'
Again, 'an hour later' would be something you would put in a novel, short story etc. In a script you need a new scene. You also don't need to write 'Richard calls him' because the dialogue lines make it obvious.
Page 16 - Why is Wiston using the phrase 'you little shit' as well? I thought this was something defining Cheryl's bad parenting skills.
Page 19 - 'The scene opens on a stark quiet night, we can hear CHERYL yelling and suddenly we can hear JACOB yelling' - omit 'The scene opens on...'. It's a stark quiet night. We can hear Cheryl yelling...

I would omit all the Cheryl's womb scenes.

I dare say one of my scripts, Special Bond, is kinda related to yours. Do u think you can give it a read and tell me what you think?
I got to page 20 of your script, will be back for more,
regards
Marcela

I'm well aware that this isn't formatted properly, to be honest this is my first feature film script so I am open to constructive criticism. However, this is semi-autobiographical therefore what you might see as "torture porn" is in fact lived experiences. You said you skipped around so I can't trust a reviewer who doesn't read in a linear fashion, in my personal opinion.

Thanks,

Anthony

Sounds like you got everything all hunky dory. Why post it here at all if you think following proper format is beneath you or you know its wrong but its us that must deal with it? Sounds smug of you. You should just cash the million(s) dollar check and have this made.

Above reviewers have said they would continue reading this, you should be thankful. I for one can't get past the 2nd paragraph and all the "we sees". Complete turnoff. They are completely unnecessary.

As far as the logline, I for one don't think this is "feature" worthy based on what you included.

Gl

Tony

Wrong approach, Anthony. Your view on reviews is going to really dampen you getting any.

Folks generally skip around for two reasons: (1) Their time is limited but the topic interested them so they will take a look and if they are kind enough - drop some comments on what they saw. (2) The story or the writing or both are flawed thus causing derailment and skipping around. In most cases, it is #2. In other words, if you are finding that you don't get full reads - it is not because the reader is somehow deficient, it is because the story or other script elements did not compel them to read on in "linear fashion".

I started to read the script before I read this thread - I wish that would have been reversed. I had notes - but I'm not posting them other than to add if you are "well aware that this is not formatted properly" - then why wouldn't you fixed it???????

et none of these reviews were done before the script was completely read. How can you formulate a whole opinion if you can't read in a linear fashion? That seems rather counterproductive and seemingly illogical. I'm grateful for any advice but if you are going to give it, please read a whole script first. Of course this isn't formatted properly, that much I'm aware of, now I can fix that.

Quoted from AnthonyB et none of these reviews were done before the script was completely read. How can you formulate a whole opinion if you can't read in a linear fashion? That seems rather counterproductive and seemingly illogical. I'm grateful for any advice but if you are going to give it, please read a whole script first. Of course this isn't formatted properly, that much I'm aware of, now I can fix that.

Well, good luck with that approach. As a courtesy to other members on the site - when you post a script it would be nice for you to indicate up front that you are only interested in comments from reviewers that have read the entire script. You can send that message by just posting it on the script page when it is first posted.

Personally, I think it will yield you zero reads and as a result, zero comments. That is a shame.

For me - I have gotten advice that I was grateful for on just the (a) title, or the (b) log line, or the (c) first scene, etc. But to each their own.

Hey Anthony,

if you are trying to get this made and submit it anywhere like a prod co or a network, rest assured, reading a single page is enough for them to tell if it's worth reading on or not. If there's all kind of format issues and technical mistakes on that first page... you can imagine the rest.