Love.com by Brandon Vega - Drama, Romance - Panicked by her parents’ sudden separation, a young bride-to-be convinces her fiancé to join a dating site with her to test not only the strength of their relationship but the staying power of marriage itself.  114 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brandon,

I got to page 12, stopped at the soap scene. Before i get into a few things, I'm wondering about the title... I know you can't copyright titles, but did you research into the owners of Love.com? It is a domain name and therefore you may run into problems using it.

Anyways...

I think your writing is not bad at all, but this subject matter is. I mean, it's a pun at marriage, correct? The union between two people? Normal people about to marry don't act like this. You have it under Drama, so that leaves out comedy/spoof.

Amber is finished with dinner from a high class date with a middle-easterner and by this time still can't pronounce his name. Blah. Seen this already, it's dumb. I won't even get into the woes-me Muslim thing again, even though this guys rich.

"Like a parent correcting a child, he waits until she pronounces it correctly." This guy surely ain't getting any if he operates like this.

           AMBER
No, thanks. But enjoy giving
yourself a ride. (BEAT) Taxi!

I doubt you're making your protagonist(s) likable with this in the opening scene.

    BEN
How was it?
    AMBER
Icky. Like an STD martini.

How was what, dinner? Ewe. Not a very high class place, or is this just a line delivery ploy?

INT. SPORTS BAR - EARLIER

This is a flashback? Clearly indicate who's it is, Amber or Ben. i slowed down my read to confirm it was him.

INT. BEN’S BEDROOM

Now we ended the flashback? Indicate so or else the next scene is assumed continuous.

"He passionately kisses her.

     AMBER (V.O.)
My dad used to play this song by The Rolling Stones.

Ben turns her over, buries his kisses in her neck. She moans,
wraps her legs around his waist."

So she is facing away from him, correct? If so how can she wrap her legs around him? Is she a demon from the Exorcist?

"(early 20’s, Hipster-American)"

What's a hipster? I'm picturing a cowboy with a gun on his hip. Am I out of touch?

    FRANCES
It’s a good thing you came along, Amber.

There were a LOT of distressed damsels. A lot. A lot of skanky, dirty-panty-wearing, hoe-bag, one-dick-is-not enough, treacherous cun-
     BEN
   (quickly)
Thank you, Frances!

Ben didn't cut him off quickly enough IMO.

Ok, as I said, I don't think you're a bad writer at all, but what's going on in your story except a lot of cliche bantering and trying to create ultra-cool characters (which I too have been accused of doing.)

I think plot-wise, you need to re-examine this.

GL with the script,

Tony.

Personally I love the title but what Tony brought up about the trademark situation should be considered.

Somehow I nevertheless can imagine it could be allowed because those Dot COM endings went into common speech and expression and it's clear that it's meant as an idependent term imo.

By the way, I think this is one of the strongest loglines I have ever seen on the board.

I'm just a bit puzzled that this isn't listed as a comedy.

I wouldn't worry about the title. If someone likes the story enough to be interested in producing it, the title is an easy fix.

Really cool title..really cool concept here...Not sure I love the opening but will try to read a little of this over the weekend.

Optioned.

Very cool

I read the script, curious to see what they do with it. Congrats on the option and good luck with any further developments!