Bernard,
Why is your name mentioned 3 times on your cover sheet? Then once on page 1 as you quote yourself? ROFL, I guess that's good that you view your own words quotable ;)
Logline needs a tweaking and re-organization.
"Students are fleeing from the shootout that took place." Students flee. You already implied there is a shootout in OVER BLACK.
Quoted Text A group of students surround Crystal, seventeen-years-old,
light brown with shoulder length black hair, and a tasty
body. |
Tasty body? Mmmm.
Ok, your opening V.O. is intriguing enough.
Pg.2 Clip is not intro'd yet, describe his car, CAP your character intros.
Pg.3-4 Tighten up some of this action. Simplify what's going on.
Through 10 pgs you are not bad at what you're trying to do. It's just not my cup of iced tea. The dialog seems authentic but everyone speaks the same way -- thug ass black. I would throw a cracker in there to offset things, speaking wise.
I'm not really following much of a plot to this point. If this is about gang life, I can turn on a documentary or something. Gotta get into the story faster.
Will proceed if you're around.
GL with the script
TOny