The Nest by Baitul Javid - Drama - When an innocent Muslim girl falls for a rebellious boy from her school, she is manipulated into joining a cult. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Baitful:

It was a little hard to get into this - I found the detail to be over written and the scene headings could be improved..

Quoted Text TITLES BEGIN

You do not need the above - let the Director decide where the titles come in.

Quoted Text INT. ALMA’S HOME - NIGHT HALLWAY

You don't need both of these since nothing happens between the slugs. Try:

INT. ALMA’S HOME/HALLWAY - NIGHT

Quoted Text ALMA (UHL-MAH), 17-years-old, walks past THREE gold-frame photos hung on the wall hallway. CENTER photo shows family portrait (in order) FATHER, MOTHER, NANA, standing above a young Alma, and young HAMZA (HUM-ZAH) Mother has long dark hair seen resting on the side of her shoulders, dark cat-like eye makeup over greenish-grey eyes, light blue scarf lightly placed over her head. Father is wearing an all red kurta, and he is smiling. Nana, slightly balding, obviously dyed jet-black hair on the sides of his head, wearing glasses, and an all white kurta. Young Alma is wearing red, her hair is long, eyes are light greenish-Grey, and she is wearing a half-smile. Hamza is wearing white, full smile, hair braided to the side of her shoulder. Photo to to the left of the family portrait shows the Holy Kaabah of Mecca. Photo to the right of the family portrait shows a Zulfiqar, a traditional GOLD Shiite Muslim sword with Arabic engravings that represent the sword of Ali.

You have an entire page describing three pictures on the wall. That is a tedious start. I would suggest something like:

ALMA (UHL-MAH), 17-years-old, walks past three gold framed pictures on the wall. They are:

- Holy Kaabah of Mecca.
- A portrait of a young Nana with her mother and father
- A gold Shiite Muslim sword.

And that is all you need. And - unless these photos are really integral to your story later, I would get rid of it all together and just write something to the effect of Alma walks past a wall containing photos of family and Muslim artifacts.

Quoted Text CUT TO: PRAYER ROOM

I would not use a cut to to a mini slug. If this room is in the same house, then use an action transition. e.g.,

She leaves the Hallway and enters the

PRAYER ROOM.

or.

Eliminate the CUT TO and just use a normal scene heading. e.g:

INT. ALMA’S HOME/PRAYER ROOM - NIGHT

Quoted Text Alma walks into an empty room and rolls open a carpet out in front of her. She begins performing Namaz, the daily prayers for Muslims. The carpet laid out in front of her is not bare. There is a circular-rock-like object on the carpet, Alma rests her head on the rock when she kneels down onto the carpet. Alma stands up. Whispers more Arabic prayers. Kneels back down. She sits down onto the Namaz rug. Grabs a tasbih (rosary beads). She folds up the rug. She walks out of the prayer room.

Again, IMO far too much detail. You have to ask yourself does describing each of these individual tedious actions required to move the story forward? i.e., Why can't it just be:

Alma enters, kneels on a traditional prayer rug and prays.