I'd recommend you cut all camera shots, unless you are filming this yourself they aren't needed.
Quoted Text EDWARD comes out of his house, walking toward a known destination.
We can only see his legs |
Wouldn't hurt to give us a short description of Edward, what does he look like? Does he live in an area or wear clothes unique enough to mention? Him walking towards a known destination sounds a bit off here too, why not make it a bit more active? Instead of just saying he walks off have him set off at a quick pace....or something that will give the viewer a hint that he is on a mission.
Quoted Text The street is not busy as usual. Not much traffic on the road. The
sound of the road is really cheerful. It does not look like New
York for a little while. It is getting darker. Not snowing, but
the cold wind making everyone on the street wear warm cloths. He
passes THREE HOMELESS MAN. They look high and happy. We can tell
by the smile on their face |
What specifically makes this road sound really cheerful, it is kid's playing, a holiday shortly coming up? No need to tell us it isn't snowing...if it isn't snowing.
Quoted Text A MAN plays flute. Unique kind of sound is coming out of that
flute. Two men stand beside that FLUTE playing man, listening to
him. There is a Dog beside them. The dog raises his head. |
What's the point of this? What I'm getting from this page is that Edward is a nice guy (gives the woman back her phone) and that he has a possible fear of dogs ( the dog scares him and he tries to avoid it, but everything else seems to have no point, such as him talking with a woman, the kid on the skateboard, and the homeless men.
Quoted Text It is a Good Organized CD shop. FOUR or THREE WORKER is working in
THE CD SHOP. Edward appears for the first time. He is wearing a
black and red lumberjack shirt. He has a bushy beard. He looks for
SOMEONE there. |
THREE WORKERS "are" working in the CD SHOP, also you do mention "CD shop" quite a bit in this and previous lines, try and get rid of some of them, for example you can just tell us the interior is organized well with three workers lazing about or hard a work.
Oh, I guess this explains why there was no description for Edward, you meant us to see only his legs, I thought we only saw his legs after he left the house, not really sure if you should cut his name and just have us follow a pair of legs up until this CD shop.
Quoted Text MAYA is girl with Rock star attitude. She wears a black sweater
and leather jeans. |
What are the ages of these two? Are they teens or mid-aged people?
Quoted Text A MAN spills some COKE on the floor. No one cares about that.
Edward looks at Maya. She is at the sales.
CLOSE ON MAYA'S EYES
Maya talks with A CUSTOMER. |
I think all of these and Maya's intro can be put together for a better flowing narrative.
Edward scans the shop, his eyes fall upon the cashier MAYA (23) sporting a rock star appearance with her leather jeans and black sweater, her flamboyant interaction with a customer suggests a personality to suit.
I don't see why Maya would leave a customer to walk over to Edward, just not believable to me and kind of forces the story, why not have the pop spill at this point and instead of people not caring have Maya come and investigate what's going on, what if Edward was the one to spill the pop and on the Justin Beiber CD which forces him to buy it which he claims he wants cause he listens to everything but really he doesn't want to get on Maya bad side.
I've read a few more pages but it's all I can do for this, the action is the exact same throughout which makes it difficult to read and enjoy.
Good Luck