Glass Animals by Chris Coon - Short - A relationship is on the rocks, as a man tries to salvage what’s left of it, while also hiding a secret from his lover. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Chris - I gave this a read.

Quoted Text A WOMAN, mid (20s) is in tears. She’s leaned up against the door, bathed by sunlight. MAN (O.S.) Lydia, c’mon. Open up. LYDIA No. Just leave me alone.

A mistake here. You can't have dialogue for a character before you introduce them. Also - no need to use WOMAN since Lydia is talking right away. Try this:

LYDIA (mid 20s) in tears, leans up against the
door, bathed by sunlight.

LYDIA
No. Just leave me alone

Quoted Text LYDIA (to herself) Wish I didn’t feel this way. I don’t want this. Why do I care? Beat.

Not a fan of the "beat" here. Kind of wasting the line. If you want time to pass - give Lydia an action. i.e., rather then "beat" - something like - Lydia stares in the mirror.

Quoted Text Emotionally drained, a man, mid (20s) smokes a cigarette. This wretched man is James.

This is the first time you introduced James. It needs to be capped (JAMES). Also "mid (20s) should be: (mid 20s)

Quoted Text It’s quiet for a beat.

Same beat issue as above. Write something like - James just stares at her.

Quoted Text LYDIA (CONT[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{¢A´Z}INTOPREAMBLE]D)

?????????????????????????

Quoted Text He smiles at Lydia. She doesn’t look up at him. Slowly, his smile fades after a few silent beats.

Same beat issue - you over do this.

Quoted Text JAMES You about ready? It’s almost 6.

Should be "six"

Page 9 - almost all of the dialogue is CAPPED - I don't recommend this. Let the actors figure out the intensity.

Quoted Text WOMAN Well, I can tell you it’s nice having breakfast with my husband. Definitely could of used your help around here.

This dialogue a little too on the nose for me. I think it would work better if she just said something like it's nice having you home - and then we see their wedding picture or something.

Okay - done.

Fabulous ending!

In terms of the story itself - I think you need to pick a poison. You have your two characters in a seedy hotel screwing each other and then this line:

Quoted Text LYDIA Should we be doing this?

In other words - Lydia knows that he is married - why else would this be wrong - coupe that with the fact that they're screwing at a hotel rather than an apartment or a home. i.e., should Lydia be surprised that James is married?

I think it would work better if they were having their romance at Lydia's apartment. The hotel just broadcasts that it's an affair rather than a romance. Isn't James faking that he is a single man??(If not - I don;t get why Lydia is angry). If so, their fights should focus around those things that would be obvious for that situation - when am I going to meet your parents? When am I going to see your place? It's like that needs to be a back story on why Lydia is clueless on Jame's real life (travelling salesman - whatever). Otherwise the story is simply - Woman sleeps with married man and decides not to marry him. When (I think) the story you are telling is Woman discovers that the man proposed to her is married.

If I am wrong - ignore all of the above.

I think you have talent. I like your style for the most part but there are things you need to clean up and you need to examine each element of the story to make sure that they add up.

Best of luck








  

Thanks, Green! I appreciate all the feedback. It was very helpful. I was very nervous to post this. I'm glad you brought the whole Hotel element to light. What you said about the apartment, is what I was going for.

Glad it helped

Chris,

I'm confused by all the broken glass figurines.  There's one in the beginning, then one from the flea market, then the one at the end.  I get the story.  A husband who has had a long-term affair tries to take the affair to a new level, only to be knocked out of it by the woman.  He leaves the ring behind, only to have it show up in the trash?  Who found it?  Couldn't be wife since he left it behind.  Lydia, maybe, but she's a plane ride away, and why in the trash?  

I do like some of your dialogue, although I think it gets repetitive and dull after a time.  It does show the problems with having an affair.  I don't for a moment think he would have take the broken glass figurine home.  That's a problem he doesn't need.

For me, I think you need to clean up the figurines and address the dialogue.  Take it in a new direction once she refuses to answer.  Explore something new.

Best
Richard

Hey Chris - I liked the logline - very simple but effective.
I loved the second scene - the dialogue is very intriguing and I want to know what they are talking about.
page 2 - He looks deeply into her EYES.

By page 4 I got bored because I still had no clue what the problem in their relationship was. By page 9 I was completely baffled and thought they were just both overly dramatic over nothing.

page 10 - SOMETHING hits him. LOL, I really thought he got hit by a fallen tree or something!
page 12 - His heart rate goes up - unfilmable (unless he's attached to a cardio machine)

Interesting resolution. Okay, now I see who is who!

Interesting. Very mysterious. I don't find the actual story very interesting, but perhaps it doesn't matter. Still, if you had both mystery and an interesting story in it, it could make your script better.

Thanks for all your feedback, guys. I really do appreciate it. This helps a ton. I've been really trying to play around with the idea of relationships and never really knowing completely who your partner might really be.

Quoted from eldave1 A mistake here. You can't have dialogue for a character before you introduce them.

Not true, actually.

If a character is O.S. or V.O., you do not have to intro them first.