Gerald In Space by Jose Flores - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A depressed man finds himself in trouble after he hijacks a spaceship and leaves on a mission to drop satellites right outside the solar system. He quickly regrets leaving, but finds himself having trouble coming back.  75 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sounds absurd... in a  good way.

However, I was instantly put off by this description of your protag':

Code GERALD, tall, tan, good looking, thick beard, sits in despair.

Why is he good looking? This is meant to be an absurd situation comedy (at least, that's what the premise suggests). The protag is so unfunny it ruins the whole vibe for me.

Skim read through. Some interesting stuff going on but I don't see a point to it all. Gerald's relationship with AI is funny at times. The flashbacks fill things in and create that regret in Gerald as he meets his end. Your writing needs a lot of work (hence the skim reading).

Hey Jose,

sorry but this needs a lot of work. I only read a few pages then I gave up.

1. Your very first slugline is "INT. SPACESHIP - COCKPIT - DAY". How can it be DAY in space?
2. "Artificial Intel." ?? Why don't write it out? And you didn't even introduce the character.
3. "(Woman's voice)" is already within the dialogue. You should rename the character or set this when you introduce the character.
4. Get rid of "CONT'D", no need for that if there's action between the dialogue.
5. SUPER: "GERALD". There's no need for a punctuation mark.
6. You're fading out and the next second you're fading in again?? Just switch the scene from one location to the other...
7. Page 3 has way too much description. Plus you're using shots and transitions which should not be used in a spec
8. This guy jerks off three times up to page 5, this is where I gave up...

Last but not least, 75 pages?? Too long for a short, too short for a feature.

Hi, guys, I'm fairly new to the site and to screenwriting. This script is nothing like I've written before and really experimental in my book. Thanks for all the feedback. I know this script needs a lot of work and I should have probably giving it another draft before posting it, but I was really eager to join the community.

Best.

You're a good writer. Just bear in mind that this is a site mostly populated by writers so you will often get comments on the writing rather than the story.

Hey Jose,

First things first... your log line. You use "finds himself" and "trouble" twice. You want to stay away from redundancies. Not only in the script, but the log line, synopsis and treatment.

The concept is silly but light. Your writing has gotten a lot better since the first script I read of yours. Your formatting has also greatly improved (more white space, etc). But everything still needs plenty of work, evident on the first page. Brevity is the key to keeping a pace that matches to that of an actual film (remember, 1 page = 1 minute).

Quoted Text GERALD, tall, tan, good looking, thick beard, sits in despair. He’s covered himself with a blanket. He glances at the controls then gawks through the front window.

How old is Gerald? I'm not against using "good looking" but then you follow that up with "thick beard" which isn't usually a characteristic of someone who is traditionally good looking. Also, the repetitive use of "he"... back to back sentences, both in the same action paragraph. And I'm not sure if I can picture someone gawking out the window in despair.

Should be -- "GERALD, tall and handsome, tanned face with impeccably groomed facial hair, sits draped under a blanket, despondent. Defeated. His posture slumped. He glances over the controls. Then gazes out the front window. Almost catatonic."

Or something like that. If you say "in despair" or "despondent" you should "show" what makes them appear that way (e.g. slumped shoulders, slumped posture, frowning, etc). A lot of the times, you won't even have to use "despair" or "despondent". You can just show it.

Quoted Text A United States and Mexico flag hang besides each other over the door. Gerald giving his back to the flags.

Just poorly worded. You make it sound like (at first) that the United States and Mexico share a flag. And are the flags hanging above the door or on the door. You say over. Should be...

"American and Mexican flags hang side-by-side above the door behind him."

Also, you want to have "effective" writing.

Quoted Text Lights go out, everything is dark for a second when red flashing lights pop up along with a loud alarm.

It just reads like a long sentence. Has no visual pizzazz to it. The way it's written doesn't simulate the beats your looking for. And what kind of alarm is this? What kind of sound? And remember, you should capitalize any non-human sound.

"The lights go out. Everything dark. Until --

Red lights flash brightly as a LOUD ALARM BUZZES frantically."

Quoted Text Gerald doesn't move. ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (Woman’s voice) The asteroid collision is in nine minutes. Controls are still unresponsive, override in progress. Gerald doesn’t move; he sits in defeat. A single tear rolls down his cheek. ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (CONT’D) Escape pod’s are on stand by. Gerald doesn’t move. ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (CONT’D) What are you doing? I can set a course for earth in the pod. All you have to do is get in. There are enough resources for your trip. Gerald stares in defeatism at the asteroid. ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (CONT’D) Please. Gerald doesn’t move. ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (CONT’D) Eight minutes. There isn’t much time. Why are you so indecisive? Don’t you want to see Sydney?

You use "Gerald doesn't move" way too much. Feels like you're just using that to break up long dialogue blocks. Mix it up. Using the same thing over and over again is lazy writing.

Also, your first bit of dialogue... it should be...

ARTIFICIAL INTEL
(Woman's Voice)
Followed by dialogue.

Your wryly should be sandwiched between the CHARACTER NAME and DIALOGUE. It shouldn't share lines. The only times a parenthetical should be on the same line as anything is (V.O.) -- voice over -- or (O.S.) -- off screeen -- is used. And technically, it should be used  here. There is nobody in the same room or any room nearby. If it's a phone call or loud speaker, it should be...

ARTIFICIAL INTEL (V.O.)
(Woman's Voice)
Followed by dialogue.

This how I would have written this entry...

Gerald continues to gaze sadly out the window, unaffected by the chaos around him.

ARTIFICIAL INTEL (V.O.)
(Woman’s voice)
The asteroid
collision is in nine minutes.
Controls are still unresponsive,
override in progress.

A single tear rolls down his cheek.

ARTIFICIAL INTEL (V.O.)
Escape pod’s are on stand by.

He lowers his eyes.

ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (V.O.)
What are you doing? I can set a
course for earth in the pod. All
you have to do is get in. There are
enough resources for your trip.

Gerald looks up again. Out the window at --

A giant asteroid.

ARTIFICIAL INTEL. (CONT’D)
Please.
(beat)
Eight minutes. There isn’t much
time. Why are you so indecisive?
Don’t you want to see Sydney?




Also, you should better describe this asteroid... where it's headed, how close it is, etc.

Keep working and keep improving your writing... your learning very quickly. And once you get your writing to a point where the audience doesn't even feel like they're reading a script, they're "seeing" a film, that's when you'll get more reads and more comments about the actual story line.

As for this story in particular, it's not really my cup of tea. I will say that the log line makes this sound like it's going to be a comedy but there aren't really any laughs at all in the first few pages. You should set the tone right off the bat.

Looking forward to your heist project!

-- Michael