A Gamble by Andrew Herlan - Short - Bannon goes to sleep serving a six-year sentence in a maximum-security prison. He wakes alone in the prison with three other inmates, surrounded by a thick, strange fog. But these men can't ignore what's behind the curtain. 24 pages - pdf, format 8)

Andrew,

A few notes on this one.

For me, the voice over doesn't work.  Since it doesn't matter why Bannon is in or for how long, why give it?  Why not just start with the inciting incident, and that's when he wakes up to no noise.  Also, it's difficult to film 'The convict sighs and stands as a sensation slowly comes over him that shows in his expression'  First, his name is Bannon.  Second, showing this sensation would be difficult.  

I have a problem when the radios make no noise when they crash, and yet, the clock shatters.  Did I miss something?

I can understand why they might be a bit frightened by the fog, but I would think at least one of them would go for freedom right away.  And while I recognize the hamster has a purpose, I don't understand why  the aliens would include it.  After all, it's not part of the bed, and therefore, would serve no purpose.  If the elaborate setup costs them something, then the hamster is extra.  If you find a way to include it in the bet....well, that's clever.

You might consider having Bannon not leave at all.  He doesn't mind being alone.  He'll wait this out.  After all, the fog can't last forever.  You can then reduce the winner to the only being who bet Bannon would have to be forcibly removed.  As long as the food holds out...

Scrub this one hard and shorten it a bit.  This could well be a twilight zone episode, but you need another twist or two to keep the audience in the game.  

Best
Richard