Night of the Violent Men by Jack Felson - Horror - After robbing a jewelry store, two gangsters are quickly caught and end up on the coroner's table, one after another. The first one dead, the other one... alive. And the loot is still no to be found. A mystery horror story between dream and reality, between Tarantino, David Lynch and George Romero. 105 pages
- pdf, format 8)

Jack,

Taking a look at this and instantly your usage of the apostrophe sticks out, which totally slows the read. Now I'm wondering about the word: fuckin' Can't be correct, can it? Anyone?

The logline needs work. Too detailed about the coroners' table. Focus on them mysteriously waking up and their objective, which is to find the loot. Lose the cock swinging names about your idol filmmakers -- you ain't them!

On the plus side, your dialog has a flair, but thinking this is the next Reservoir is so unoriginal.

I'll get into it more if you show up and get active. As of right now, pg 5 bookmark.

GL.

Tony

Quoted from TonyDionisio Now I'm wondering about the word: fuckin' Can't be correct, can it? Anyone?

It is correct.

Whenever you drop a letter in a word and use "slang", you use an apostrophe like Jack did here.

Tony, I've never said that my script would be the next Reservoir Dogs. If I did believe such a thing, I'd never have mentioned Lynch and Romero. And Tarantino is not more original when he talks about his idol Leone as his main inspiration source. As he was filming The Hateful Eight, he showed one of his favourite films, John Carpenter's The Thing, to his actors.

When you try to sell a script you always use other popular films. For instance, James Cameron sold Avatar as Dances with Wolves meeting Pocahontas outer space. Everybody is inspired by everybody.

You should read the script completely.

Quoted Text When you try to sell a script you always use other popular films. For instance, James Cameron sold Avatar as Dances with Wolves meeting Pocahontas outer space. Everybody is inspired by everybody.

There is considerable debate on, as a pitch technique, whether you should compare scripts to other films. I have no problem with this is sometimes it does the job.

However, I would hesitate comparing the writing to the writing of other writers. Aside from it sounding presumptuous, it could be confusing. I would do nothing for me for some to say it's a cross between Romero and Lynch. However -  if something is pitched as Dawn of the Dead meets Mullholland Drive - okay - I get a picture.

@eldave I see your point.

If there were any producers visiting this site, I would mention films instead of directors.

Quoted from JackF @eldave I see your point.

That was the point I originally tried to make.

Quoted from JackF If there were any producers visiting this site, I would mention films instead of directors.

Not sure what you mean here. Are you saying no producers visit this site? If so, how do you know?

I said I would read on if you showed up, and I will.

Most scripts keep action blocks to three lines or fewer, and tend to use more tighter descriptions. Yours are up to seven lines long and steer away from the modern "scripty" short sentences. One thing I do like about your style is that it flows like a dude excitedly telling a story. In some places this makes it a much easier read for me, in others it's difficult to keep up with everything going on in the scene.

One of the biggest notes I have is that I think you'd be better off giving your dialogue characters names. You've got Cop #1, Cop #2, Cop #3, Cop #4, "Other Cop", "Another Cop". I get they're throwaway characters, but even "Burly Cop" would be enough to picture these people in the space.

I found it interesting that you spent the first 7 pages establishing Lonnie, but then he doesn't show up again until page 31. I also found it odd that a 22 year old rookie can tell off what sounds like his boss and say he's going to show up when he feels like it, in an hour.

Since we roll straight from the scene where the call about the robbery happens, right to the robbery in progress, I assumed it was the same robbery. In the new scene the cops are unaware of the robbery, did we just roll back time a bit, or is this a different robbery?  Given that you mentioned Lynch, I guess all bets are off and this made be intentionally open-ended.

So far nothing hints at horror. But you did mention mystery, which seems more appropriate. I'm only 20 pages in though.

Hey Rodriguez, thanks for your positive notes.

Sorry I couldn't respond before but I spent all year 2016 working on a novel. It's completed now.

The cop on the phone tells Lonnie that 'there's a robbery every thirty seconds' so it may be any other robbery.

Don't worry, it is horror. And mystery.

Hey, Jack

Congrats on knocking out a feature. I like the hook, "one dead, one alive," but not a fan of the structure of the premise overall. And, I disagree with eldave1 well sort of because I hate the last sentence of the logline haha. In a "pitch" I understand it's use but this is just a premise. I think it's just pet peeve I have, ahaha, idk.

BLB