The Facts of Life by Chris Beadnell - Short - A loving father must stand up to be counted when he is stunned by a question from his inquisitive seven year old daughter. - pdf, format 8)

Nice ending. Well done there.

You make this grammatical error throughout the script:

Quoted Text I might just have a quick beer on the veranda before dinner love.

Needs to be a comma between dinner and love. Treat love - or hun or sweetie like a proper name and use a comma - again - dozens of instances in the script.

For my taste far too many instances where names are used in dialogue between family members that are familiar with each other. e.g.,

Quoted Text Sandy, how long ’til dinner, love?

How often when you talk to your wife do you use her first name? Rarely I am guessing - it makes the dialogue sound unnatural. If you are just adding the name so that we know who he is talking to you can use a parenthetical. For example:

TREVOR
(to Sandy)
How long ’til dinner, love?

Think some of the opening and some of the discussion of sex could be shortened a bit. It dragged a little bit in both areas.

I did enjoy it -nice effort.

Eldave1, thanks for the read, I appreciate the feedback.

I did actually edit and cut this script  to enter it in a' five minute or less' comp recently. That one felt a bit underdone to me, I deliberately wanted Trevor's uncomfortable-ness to be drawn out. But I am learning and always trying to focus on what really needs to be left in a script and what is just fluff.

I take your points on the grammar and too much 'name dropping'. Looking back over the script again I can now sense that. Great points.

Every script review helps me develop in this art form and I really appreciate your advice and kind words.

Cheers

Chris

Glad it helped - best of luck

Chris,

Some notes.

First, I'll echo the previous comments.  After a decade of marriage, most couples don't use 'hon' and 'babe' over and over.  Communication has entered the shorthand phase.  Just enough words to communicate.  Same goes for the kids.  They all know each other.  Why have them use names?

This one seems a bit long to me.  I understand the angst and the voice overs which explain the angst, but making things a bit shorter would be a good thing.  

I think you might try using some visuals for Trevor.  He can use his hands--a finger for the pee-pee and a circle of fingers for the ba-gina.  If he has beer bottle, well, that might work too.  And there are some jokes about which is longer, his finger or his..well, you understand.

And you might consider him trying to go the birds and the bees route.  Start with animals, only to have him discard those and begin again when she doesn't understand.  Get to humans last.

The ending works very well.  He goes to all this work for something he could have avoided.  Nice job.

best
Richard

Thanks Richard once again for the read and constructive review. Much appreciated.

Now... the finger and beer bottle... That's gold!

Cheers

Chris

Hello Chris.

It's been a while since I've been on this site, hope I remember how this all goes.

Starting off, you have a bit of redundant information in your opening passage.  Things written in the action blocks are already seen and heard so the "we see" and "we hear" is already implied as is the "outside" since the scene is already set with the EXT part in the slug.

Not a huge fan of voice overs.  I feel that illustrating Trevor's discomfort is a bit more rewarding or perhaps mumbling some of his rationalizing would be a bit more rewarding.

Definitely a dialogue-heavy script and there's nothing wrong with that but the sex conversation seemed a bit too stretched out for me with too little action between.  Trevor seems like a bit of a fun-loving, awkward goofball to me and his apprehension could have been a bit more visual with his fumbling about with an uncomfortable topic.  Had a chuckle with the ending in either case.

Just my thoughts though.  Take care.

-John

Awesome, thanks John for the feedback really appreciate it.

BTW just got an Analysis from the BlueCat Screenplay Competition for The Facts of Life, which has mirrored a lot of the constructive comments I have received from you guys. Which is great, shows consistency, and quality feedback from the kind folk on this forum. I am very happy to have joined this community, hope to learn more and add my own views to hopefully assist others in some small way. Have enjoyed the OWC, another great aspect of this place.

The Facts of Life was my first ever script. Then I essentially did nothing for ten years after writing it, before this buzz re-awakened inside me and got me dusting off the script and reworking it a little... and now writing many more and enjoying my development process in this art. I definitely will re-write this now as it seems to be well worth pursuing towards production.

Thanks again,

Chris

PS If I may be a little indulgent, here is the BlueCat Analysis for The Facts of Life:

What did you like about this script?
First, I just wanted to say the punchline in this script is golden. I love the use of phonetics in this script. Young children don’t have much of an understanding when it comes to language because they don’t have the proper development. But when it’s passed on to an adult for the purpose of this script, it’s hilarious. I like the setting and the opening scenes. Seeing this happy, normal, suburban family going about their day really sets the tone. The descriptions of Trevor and the children are well-done. We don’t need to know too much about the characters to know and enjoy the story. There’s a nice glow that surrounds the script, even as Trevor tries to delve into the facts of life. It’s all very innocent from beginning to end. This is a feel-good story. It feels unique and original without really meaning to—like this was pulled from an actual event. Structure-wise, it could be a little cleaner, but I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Really good work.
What do you think needs work?
There are times where I found the explanations to be a little drawn-out and confusing to read. As Trevor tries to stutter through his words, I can feel myself losing interest. Intercutting something more interesting might help with this. The audience already knows what sex is. Bring in some more humor and make his daughter pry further. He could try to explain it one way that’s totally outlandish and doesn’t make sense. He could only confuse Tina further by trying to act something out. Don’t be afraid to get more creative with the explanation. Something else I would suggest is don’t rely too heavily on the “dumb dad” trope. He should be fully capable of raising the kids without having his wife doting over him and checking on him. I get the vibe that he’s almost there, but he could definitely use more work in characterization. Overall, though, this is a nice script. I don’t have a lot of issues with it.

A good rule of thumb is enter a scene late and leave early. With that in mind, you could easily lose the first two pages of the script without it effecting the story at all. They're essentially just filler.

Really this is more like a sketch than a story, as everything serves as a set-up before the punchline. The tighter you can keep the set-up the more effective it's going to be. Nothing kills a gag more than having a set-up that drags on for too long, since the payoff will rarely justify it.

Exciting development. The Facts of Life has been picked up by a filmmaker in India. Have re-worked it a bit taking in the feedback I have received here and elsewhere. Fingers crossed it gets produced.

Hello Chris,

Like the others I think the punch line in the end was good.

I didn't like the V.O., avoid it as much as you can unless it is part of the genre you're writing.

Personally, this script can be improved greatly, Tina's dialogue isn't interesting enough, she doesn't have enough character...it would help if you put more "cuteness" to her.

Perhaps start the short with her constantly asking her dad all sorts of questions, which he has easy answers for, then throw him off guard when he least suspects it.

Perhaps Tina asks Trevor in the living room when a raunchy music video is playing in the background.

I can definitely see the potential of a strong comedic element at play in this script.

Thanks for reading 24G,

I have done a re-write and dropped the VO's and added some more action and interaction between Tina and Trevor.

Started with Trevor's explanation surrounding the family's randy dog... unfortunately Tina only remembers the dog humping the old lady's dog next door, who awkwardly was a male dog. Trev moves on from this line of explanation.

Added the finger in the beer bottle visual  as suggested by Richard.

All this feedback is great. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

I feel you need to cut a bit of the dialogue. Maybe it'll look better on film, VO with the visuals. The punchline feels a bit like a joke. Is it original?

Otherwise, this could be easily filmed, and be done in sketch-fashion.