Get a Clue by Chris Bodily - Short, Murder Mystery, Suspense, Comedy - A family's patriarch is murdered during a game of Clue(do). Was it Colonel Mustard? Professor Plum? Mr. Green? Or perhaps Miss Scarlet? - pdf, format 8)

Here we go with my first read of this OWC...

This is one of those scripts that work best/only within the context of the OWC, with some of the funniest references relating to specific things in the thread/past OWCs... but...

I quite liked it, funny in places with a good pace to it.

There's a couple of 'errors' which are probably due to getting it submitted in time, namely, there's a dice roll called out on page 5 as a 4 but then the token moves 6 (unless they're cheating) and Kyle says he's going to play Halo but Kate says 'He wont be that long', which implies he doesn't go play, so wouldn't be prime suspect.

The Han line made me laugh out loud!

Good effort.  

Being a newbie I haven't studied previous OWC so may have missed a couple of the references suggested by Anthony.

I enjoyed the script, a little bit cheesy.

Had good pace and flow, was easy to read and visualise. Nice.

Nice script with a little bit of a familiar, if convenient ending. Writer has a definite flair for dialogue of a certain type I.e., teen-speak.  Enjoyable, but not too out of the box. Yep, a little board game pun there.   ;D

Love the title and love the logline. Can almost tell this is going to be a punchy/fun sort of read. (hope)

The two names starting with "K" kept me busy at first. Try to at least use different letters for names if you are going to put four characters into the first few paragraphs of a script. I'm a lazy reader, sorry.

Felt talky through page two but them you inject mystery with the game pieces ie footsteps outside. Good job!

Then we get super cheese...with the dead body and would any kid ever roll their father out of the way to keep playing? Unless it was to save the rest of them. I really like this concept but feel like it needs some work at this point (pg7-8)

Done now and still really love this concept, but think you need to maybe do more of the mystery and less talking through the first part maybe...give us more of a great thing :)

Great job, writer.

A pretty decent script.

A lot of eye rolling from Kyle at the start ;D and it's good to see a 13 year old know a an obscure Beatles song ;D

I like that Dad was murdered and everyone played around added to the non seriousness of the script.
A nice little if predictable comedy

good job

Writer,

Pretty good. I liked this. It read quick, and I liked the dialogue -- yes, I have a clue as to who wrote this based on the dialogue. Anyway, it was fun and didn't take itself too seriously. The writing was pretty clean, and the story wasted no time in getting to it. Only thing was it tied up in a neat little bow. A little too neat. However, it was in keeping with the quirkiness of the story so I didn't mind all that much.

Overall, good job!

Steve

Good read, with everything going on it wasn't hard to understand. Chuckled a few times.

I was waiting for Colonel Mustard to say something, but he kinda just got sucked away as fast as he was introduced. It was cool to see Eugene pull through, but it still didn't feel resolved. Good job, could be better.

Spoilers:
Seems like a variation of "it was all a dream."

They keep playing after Dad dies (and falls on the board)? I guess so if this is filmed as black comedy.

What is it about the footsteps that makes them "ominous"? And I think of footsteps as a sound, not a visual.

When I read about the tokens lighting up I figured this must be a new electronic version of the game. Not until far into the script does somebody remark on the strangeness of it. Seems as if somebody would have said something earlier.

I had to Google the Clue (do) designation. I'm an American so didn't know. I believe it should be written as Cluedo. Sticking with Clue, as you sometimes did, would be better.

The biggest problems I had were with Kyle after Eugene "died". His reaction doesn't seem believable, and he literally just pushed the corpse aside.

Also, Kate is the adult here, but she is oddly quiet. Most parents would either freak out or try to control the whole situation or calm the kids down.

I did not understand what was going on on the last two pages. This may have been due to the fact that I read this last night before going to bed, but I don't know. Also, I was thinking that Scarlett would be important, because you mentioned that she was the last one placed on the table.

This is too slow paced in the beginning. Not sure that all the debate about which game moves the story forward or is really necessary/

Quoted Text KYLE Clinton was still President.

Not sure this line works. Kyle is 15. Clinton was President 16 years ago - seems like an odd reference for him to drop.

Quoted Text Eugene takes the game out of the box and starts to set it up on the coffee table. An ominous crimson light flashes across the board

There is no reaction from the characters when this light flashes. Wouldn't they have at least been surprised by it?

Quoted Text KYLE It was Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with the plunger--

A clever line - but really? Is this going to be the son's reaction to seeing his Dad dead?

The subsequent Maddie dialogue has the same problem - her Dad is dead! Why is she so flippant it about it? Where is the reaction from the wife?

Quoted Text KYLE Did anyone else notice something strange about the board? Or the tokens? Did anyone else see them light up and shit?

This is now a bridge too far for me - so Kyle did see the pieces light up and said nothing at the time????

I'm out here. I just found a huge gap between the events (footsteps, mysterious lights, murder) and the dialogue that followed.

This one didn’t work for me. Maybe if I knew something about the game of Clue.
There was a lot of talk, but that didn’t bother me as much as trying to get a handle on what was real and what was cheese. The Eugene death scene and the family’s reactions is a prime example — I was left spinning in space. I tried to visualize this and the ending.  Sorry, I gave up piecing the clues together. I guess it’s just me.
Thanks for playing.

Best one that I have read yet.

It was pretty well written, funny, scary.

Some stuff I wish:

Less time on the kids fighting, more on why no one gets out of the house when dad shows up dead...  I mean, if my family member comes down the stairs dead (You know what I mean), I'm not gonna think the game came to life, I'm gonna think there's a psycho in the house.

I got the Jamanji reference and I loved your name.  How the kids knew about that was beyond me...

7.5/10

Get a clue

Logline - I really like this simple idea, let's hope the script doesn't disappoint....I haven't read any other comments....

Oh tell me it was the candlestick....sorry, just a tad excited....let's see...

Beetles song - do you have to??

Oh, I'm not sure. I like the premise, and the delivery isn't bad, but hell, that's a lot to pull off. Does it work, not sure. I think this was a bit ambitious for this size, it needed to be narrowed down.

Clean writing, and I followed it as it went.

Thinking about it I just imagined them all walking around the house looking for clues like one big posse

For a week, a fair effort, just a tad too much to achieve.

Ps what was the Han line??

Jim Onji,

This was a nice, quick read for me. Love Cluedo, still play it every now and then. It was pretty funny in parts. The characters could do with a bit of fleshing out, I didn't feel any connection between them. That can be expected in an OWC though. Other than that, good job.

Best of luck,

Glenn.

This one had some pretty hilarious scenes.  The murdered dad drops dead on the table, but his loving family seems way more concerned with their own well being.  The script was an interesting mix of straight up horror with black comedy.  The tonal shifts were jarring at times, but I think the story succeeded in incorporating elements of the board game into the narrative.  Couldn't figure out why the game was suddenly haunted on this particular night, but I guess it doesn't really matter.  This was a wild one.

It seemed too convenient that Kyle just intuitively knew that the board game had come alive, based on the character tokens glowing. Didn't find it believable he would ignore the fact his dad is now dead so he could keep playing the game, unless he indicated that by finishing the game they might be able to save him or themselves.

Writing was solid for the most part, but could be tidied up in places. Not a bad effort overall.

Okay!!!!  I think this one's got tons of potential.  My only negative - towards the last act, I do feel it dragged on a bit too long.


BUT - great premise, and I think that several of the "quip" lines are absolute gems!  (Plus, a great ending.  Usually, I hate that twist.  But this time, it worked pretty decently for me...)  

A few quick notes/observations:

I’d rather have my teeth pulled – great!
Better than Monopoly – I always go to jail – great!
Clinton was still President – nice! (You MIGHT be able to throw a Hillary comment in there after that)
p. 5 suggestion.  Things change, Honey. Add: All the time.
p. 6 – he’s not gonna be that long - Funny!
p. 6 – constipated , dear?  (IE: Suggesting to use Dear this time - to mix it up with the previous honey?)
p 7 – A Tom Savini reference. I LOVE YOU!!!
Around p 8 -  I’d think there needs to be MOREEEEEE chaos – since Dad is dead!!! Shouldn't everyone be in absolute running around like chickens with their heads cut off mode, vs. playing Sherlock?

My five cents.  Kudos! :)

Some notes.

This is a riff on Jumanji, hence the author's name.  What is missing is the specialness of the game Dad pulls from the closet.  Why is this one any different from the one they played last month?  Without some hint, the glowing eyes don't mean much to me.

At the end, they don't actually play the game.  They don't make accusations, have someone prove them wrong, and continue.  Playing for their lives should be more dramatic and give them a bigger sense of urgency.  Drop the empty clatter at the beginning and give more to the end, to their fight for survival.  

best
Richard

I thought it took awhile for this one to get going. Perhaps trim it a bit up front.

I like the idea here, but when Eugene dies, the rest of the character's reactions felt very wrong. I think it could work though if played in a deadpan, Monty Python'ish kind of way, but then you have to keep the same vibe/tone/humor throughout the rest of the script as well.

This was just a short and written in a short amount of time, but I would've liked this to be longer. More character explorations and action. I wanted Col. Mustard to be more memorable as well. These things would be fairly easy to achieve in a longer piece.

So, good job with something that could be a great deal of fun.

A few things that occurred to me....

What the hell is chutes and ladders?  I'm guessing it's snakes and ladders for jessies lol

There were a few things that didn't read well, a bit confusing at first.  The two footsteps had me confused at first as to whether we saw the feet or just heard them?  Then the clock, 5 minutes elapse.  Does the clock spin on 5 minutes?

Han shot first comment made me chuckle lol

Eugene says whoever rolls highest goes first but he rolls and just moves doesn't he?  Also he rolls 4 but moves 6, is he cheating straight off the bat? lol

Eugene talks and moans while going up/down stairs, are these off screen?

Kyle said he was going to play Halo but I didn't think he did but Maddie says he did.  So did he go upstairs and play but then come back down before Eugene?  Would he not wait till Eugene was finished in the bathroom before coming back?

Kyle mentions the weird tokens well after they lit up.  Seems strange to me.

Okay so some of the reactions from the characters, not really bothers Eugene was dead, led me to believe this was a pisser but then later, with all the crying and hugging, was more straight faced, so this all left me confused.

I think this was a great idea but badly executed.  I was confused by some descriptions and totally lost by the tone you were going for.

Code An average suburban house painted white. The full moon is blood-red. A wolf howls in the distance.

I can tell already that this story will lack flow. These are your very first words. They should flow, set the tone, get me in the mood. The 'painted white' bit throws me right away. The description of the moon is completely shit... and a poxy wolf howls in the distance. I suddenly feel like headbutting my desk.

Code EUGENE (O.S.) Anyone up for a board game?

Seriously? No.

What's with all the Bowie shit? Hoping that a producer might be a fellow Bowie fan, feel a kinship with you and make this? Her last name is Bowie and she's wearing a David Bowie t-shirt. Come on. WTF?

Code Eugene goes into the closet.

At last, something that makes me chuckle.

Code Eugene comes out of the closet...

Hilarious. The actor will have a great time trying to pull this off.

Code He leaves the closet door open.

Never heard that one before.

Wow... I'm at page 3 and I've just noted there are 11 pages.

I'm completely bored by page 4.

I can't take any more.

Why am I punishing myself? I'm right. I should stop.

Get a Clue

Pretty ironic script.

A bit unfocused partly.

If rethought, this could be a funny commercial for the Cluedo board game imo.

B-

The Jumanji/Clue angle was clever enough.  I thought you gave a fairly decent attempt to create a suspenseful atmosphere as well. I know it’s been said but, Eugene’s death was the only scene that really took me out of the story -- “ho-hum, Dad’s dead… your turn.”

‘Quip’ lines, J-- ? Na, it’s only a quip when it taunts, this was more like a Ferret leaving pellets in your boot.

Other than that… pass.