The Role of the Dice by David Lambertson - Short, Drama - The fate of two men are determined by a single roll of the dice.  - pdf, format 8)

I love the punchline!  ;D

Your logline should read , fate 'is determined' btw, but easy oversight and easily fixed.

Very well written and very entertaining read, first out of the gate.  Good stuff.

For a guy who isn't big on Monopoly, I found myself surprised by the obvious scandal the more I read. The dialogue is really good, and dictates a fantastic pace. When these characters said something - I believed it. As expected, Chuck mimics his actions through the game. By the end I was relieved that nothing came across cheesy, it should've happened a dozen times but didn't.

I appreciate that the author didn't overload the characters on the first page, rather let us get to know Chuck and Hanna briefly before bringing others onboard.

The physical descriptions here are bland and common, although I did like Stephanie's farm-girl bit. Nothing else to say other than I enjoyed this one. Great work!

A good story and well paced.

"But a game is a game"... loved it!

The game aspect was very well incorporated into this one.  The characters, especially the two men, are well drawn and distinctive.  The twist of the affair was given away just a little too quickly, but I still like how Chuck kept using items from the game to make his points.  This is a very solid entry.

Are hotels green in the US version of Monopoly? Here the houses are green, the hotels are red.

I would have liked to have seen more nods to the game, but for a few hours effort this is good work. I was hoping for a clever twist, but it works as a linear story.

6 out of 10.

Title 'ok' for me. Love the logline. And super love the title page. Kudos for having some no-rules-nuts.

Wow...very well structured, very well written. Easy to keep up and remember these characters. Love the monopoly board game smack right in this one.

Nothing to complain about with this one.

Clever dialogue! Best yet.

GREAT job, writer.

Enjoyed this script from start to finish, had a feeling where it was going a few pages in.

Chuck's approach keep me entertained otherwise I would have been bored, so kudos on that character.

Nice punchline too.

Great job writer.

Writer,

Great job on this one! Easy to follow along, and a feeling of dread coming right from the start. Tone never changed. You knew something bad was coming, just not what. The reveal was good, and there was plenty of tension. Loved the Mercedes line, and the bitch dog line.

Overall, very good job here!

Steve

Role of the dice

logline - is quite persuasive, and oozes tension, the question is whether the script can pull it off.

Actually, i never thought of dice in my limited consideration, not a bad choice

continues to chew he sizes up the question. - missing something in there i think
Caitlin Jenner was first place. - funny

just as an aside - I'm not sure what type of place we are in - is this a care home? in the UK a residential home is for the elderly and such like, but this probably just means a house in this script.

Okay, really, it's been fun - yeah, been a blast with old chucky :-)

I wouldn't have never done -- ???

bad chucky, bad

finished

i quite like the setting against monopoly and how it linked with he gave. Perhaps a few too many moves etc but not bad.

this is a sound entry, tidy work. perhaps nothing too radical, but considering the challenge, nicely played

suggestions - felt a little lost about where we were - i.e. location - and the relationship with the other couple, we assume they are meant to be friends,  could be fleshed out. perhaps to add conflict they could fight back with stories about him, or secretly call the police etc

all the best

The play on words in the title went right by me until after I finished.

Hotels are red, at least they used to be.

I enjoyed this. Brisk writing, good dialogue. Your sense of timing is on the money; eg., you let us know what's going on at just the right point in the story.

Monopoly was well-integrated. The script is kind of a model for what this OWC is supposed to be.

Okay – a nice entry.  One that I feel needs cleaning, but has a great bone structure to work with.

The major pluses – a very good feel for dialogue/banter here. And well-done parallels between the subtext of the character conflict, and the game: including Life Insurance, Hotels and Go to Jail.  And a few stand out lines: It IS a bitch. The reference to Sorry, and getting it “off her chest.” - also good.

Though I have to add – someone SHOULD have asked if it was a mistake - should they have been playing “Clue.”?

A few story items that do need a tweak. IMO: the main line of the story meanders a bit, and could be tightened up.  My rec: streamline description of the board moves – it’s not that needed; everyone knows how Monopoly looks.  And the killing scenes – while I’m terribly dark myself in much of my writing, I don’t see it necessary to describe the blood spatter so graphically.  Those visuals can still be rich, but chiseled.

And my one big issue: surely, there’s *no way* a cop on meds would be allowed to keep his revolver; and his wife surely wouldn’t agree to let him have it on game night.  Have him smuggle it in, instead.

Other than that, a few minor typos to note:

p. 1  - extra space before square jaw
p. 1 – Continues to chew AS he sizes up the question
p. 3 – Demitri’s (COMMA) then against
p. 7 Stephanie’S question

But definitely – this is one submission that could ultimately be polished up and allowed to shine!

I can't think of any problems with this script. I thought that the story went very well, and there were some great lines of dialogue. I loved Stephanie's remark about how she got second place.

Just a few thoughts...

Wow! A baby in the way and a new
house. That deserves a toast.

Should that be ON the way or is it an intentional slip?

Other than that I really liked this, games was really well integrated, loved that buying a hotel was Chuck's intro to the drama.

Only minor quibble was the end line re playing sorry...

Great job

I thought this was really solid and the writer has clearly put a lot of thought into it. The parallels between the Monopoly game and the source of conflict was handled really well.

There were a few typos throughout, so a bit more time to proofread this would've helped.

I could see where this was going very early on, but it was still an enjoyable read.

I kind of had a feeling where this was going. Chuck seemed on the brink. The writing was clean and I enjoyed how you used the game to reveal critical information.

The writing was strong, the setup easy to follow and a fitting finish. Not much more to say. Very strong entry.

I thought this was really good.

Dustin, was this yours??  It was good if it was.   It reminded me a tiny bit of your one story: dissassociation...


I thought it was well rounded, the randomness of the hotel had major significance...

It takes a lot of cash to build hotels on PP and BW...

I'm an expert of monopoly.  My sis and I must have played 500 games when we were younger, if not more...

It was a lot of fun.

SPOILERS

One missed opportunity could have been to let the cheating wife land on community chest and make a comment about her chest being fondled by a community...

8.5/10

Some notes.

A well-balanced read.  We have a troubled cop, a cheating wife, a slimy best friend, all the elements of a noir plot and a bad ending.  I liked it.  Given some muted lighting and decent acting, it could work.  The ending plays well with the game but doesn't surprise.  Any way to twist this one?

Solid piece.

Best
Richard

I think "Atlantic Avenue" would have been a more fitting, less generic title.

The dialogue here was pretty good. No major format or spelling errors which is always a plus. I liked the incorporation of Monopoly into the plot. Those where some of the best lines I thought that cross referenced the game. The idea was a good once though I agree with others that the cat came outta the bag a little too fast and not much changed after that. But it built suspense and I dreaded where I could tell the story was going.

A small pet peeve of mine, but I hate seeing a characters wardrobe passed off as description. I don't really know anything about Dmitri with how you've introduced him by focusing on attire. I'd rather you introduce him checking out Hannah as that build way more character.

But overall, a solid, if predictable script. Good job!

Albert Prince,

Out of the six I've read, I think this is now my favourite. Really good job. Simple and engaging to read, and would be great to watch. The writing was good and it was a quick read.

Great stuff.

Glenn.

I liked this one, however, as soon as Chuck said, you like hotels too don't you, it was clear what was coming. If you can delay that a bit so it's still a mystery for a little bit longer of what's going on, that would be great.

Hannah also says that the meds Chuck are on makes him catatonic. Okay, must be pretty heavy meds. Would he still be allowed on duty? Drive a car? Have a service gun?

Other than that, good job.  8)

My highest rated so far of the ten or so I've read. Had a pretty good pace, and the dialogue was fairly good. I think it went on a little long - probably could be trimmed about a page or so. Chuck spends too much time quizzing and re-quizzing everyone about the hotel.

Also, when he shoots Hannah, it's like it's a surprise that he's holding the gun.  No one makes any reference to the fact that Chuck is pointing the weapon at Hannah as she's speaking and he cuts her off in mid sentence (which was done to try and be a little clever with the whole "chest" thing). IMO, it's a little much.

Still, a very good effort here.

My scores (out of 5)
Concept: 4.0
Story: 4.5
Character: 4.0
Dialogue: 4.0
Writing: 4.5
Overall: 4.2

All the best!
Gary

The Role of the Dice

A dirty thriller to my liking. The "cheating" plot is a bit generic but here again, the characters, especially the prot, are top-notch. Very entertaining story around the Monopoly game.

Perhaps the set up was a bit slow, allthough actually, nothing to speak of for real.

Detailed, noticeable accuracy went in here. A great performance of you. Very strong third act.

A

Title isn't 12pt Courier. Looks more like 16pt.

Bold slugs again?  :-/

Nice opening line and introduction.

Another great line and intro.

Quoted Text HANNAH You're awful quiet. Something happen at work today?

Be careful here; this is bordering on OTN.

Quoted Text Chuck stares at Hannah - continues to chew he sizes up the question.

Huh?  ??)

Quoted Text HANNAH You know your counselor said it was bad to bottle things up. (beat) You stop taking your meds?

Quoted Text HANNAH Well, the Petersons (no apostrophe) are supposed to be here at seven. We can cancel if you're not up to it?

Quoted Text Chuck wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin, stands up and removes his service revolver from his holster and places it on a nearby table.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text CHUCK Naw. I'm up for a game.

Page 2. You're making good time.

Monopoly introduced at the beginning of page 3. You're making great time.

Two back-to-back great intros. I would maybe split Stephanie's paragraph in half.

Monopoly should be capitalized.

Quoted Text DEMETRI Don't let it go to your head, sweetie. Caitlin Jenner was first place.

Yikes! Too soon? I'm not into the whole PC mindset, but still.

Quoted Text STEPHANIE I thought it was insensitive.

I detest political correctness, but I agree.

"If I do say so myself," I believe, should have a comma before.

Man, Chuck seems like the friendliest fella you'll ever meet.  ;D

Quoted Text CHUCK Cunt-tucky [A]venue.

This reads well on the page, but you would need an actor to nail the enunciation, emphasize the pun.

Quoted Text DEMETRI My turn.

I dunno. Seems a tad OTN. Why can't he just take the dice without saying anything? It's not like he's stealing a turn; I'd expect Chuck to maybe do something like that.

Also, you don't make it clear that Demetri is male until after he rolls the dice. But apparently, according to Google, it's a male name by default. Still sounds feminine to me.  ??) Then again, I thought Errol Flynn was a woman's name, because it sounds too much like Ethel or Carol. Must be thinking of Demetria.

Quoted Text Demetri counts out $350 in play money and tosses it in the games's bank - a cardboard cut out. From a pile of cards, Stephanie hands Chuck the PARK PLACE PROPERTY CARD.  He raises it to his lips and kisses it.

I'd break this up into several paragraphs, one per thought/shot.

Quoted Text DEMETRI And with Boardwalk, that gives me a monopoly. I'll buy one hotel.

The only context in which "monopoly" should be lowercase.

Quoted Text HANNAH Chuck! Say you're sorry.

Wrong game.  ;D I think I know what happened to Chuck at work.  ;)

Quoted Text STEPHANIE Okay, really, it's been fun but we should get going. Demetri has an early tee time anyway.

Why is Demetri in such a rush to wear a tee shirt? It's "tea," right?

Quoted Text Chuck leans over and grabs his service revolver from the table adjacent to him. He points it at Demetri.

A setup with a payoff. Great job! :)

Irony and coincidence are two different things. Nothing in Alanis Morrissette's song is ironic, despite the title.

Quoted Text STEPHANIE (reading/weeping) Life Insurance matures. Collect one hundred dollars. Please, I want to go home.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text CHUCK Hold on to that. It may come in handy.

Ooh. More foreshadowing.  :o ;D

Quoted Text CHUCK Only one car. Oh, I'll use this for Hannah. Chuck picks up the SILVER DOG play piece and places it in front of the hotel. CHUCK It is a bitch after all.

Nice wordplay.

Again, the difference between coincidence and irony.

Quoted Text BANG! - a bullet splashes through Demetri's forehead. Blood spatters on the white wall behind [Demetri].

Quoted Text CHUCK (opening the door) Hmmm, maybe we should have played Sorry.

Nice zinger.

Very solid story. Went right into it. Lots of tension, suspense, unease. Expertly written.

9.5/10