Sorry, Not Sorry by Hunter Vogt - Short, Comedy - Following an aggressive game of Sorry!, two friends try to repair the relationship between their other two friends, who had been dating for a year, which was damaged by the game. - pdf, format 8)

I played this game many times as a kid but don't remember the rules -- or how you "target" someone. It's not that clear (to me) in the script, so the tension about this issue is less effective than it could be. I imagine someone who has NEVER played Sorry would be lost.

Spoiler:
The resolution -- losing on purpose -- was a letdown.

Age designations were weak (eg. "around the same age"). Padding also a problem -- eg. an entire page devoted to choosing the game.

I like the title.

Writer,

Decent effort, but not much at stake here save for some hurt feelings. I think you missed your chance to make this less pedestrian by adding some conflict and tension to beef it up a bit. The tension that is building isn't enough to carry this, as Caleb's hurt feelings at Leona's gloating doesnt provide much drama. You had a blackout going on, too. That could've made a good backdrop for something deeper.

Overall, not bad but not for me.

Steve

I felt that it was too long.  Too much dialog that wasn't needed for the idea to work.

The games didn't really "matter" to the people.  

The power outage didn't serve any real purpose except to give them a reason to play games.  Why can't people play games b/c they like them, not b/c there isn't anything else to do?

Still, the games were the majority of the story, so, you did fulfill the parameters of the project.

Oh, one more thing, When the couple went to Celeb's house, you say he goes outside, and they sit on the couch.  Is his couch outside?  Or did I read it wrong??

5/10

This one took a long time to get going. I don't think we need to go through the chosing a game process. That could've worked if the jokes related to the dismissal of the other games were funny. Playing Twister with a group of gay dudes, didn't really cut it.

The story is very lightweight, but there was nothing in the rules that said it had to be heavy drama. Just for my own satisfaction, I wished it had been a little more weight to it.

I would trim some of your descriptions especially. Why write more than you have to?
"
PETER, a man in his early-to-mid twenties" could easily be written as, PETER (24)...

"LEONA and CALEB, a couple that are around the same age as Peter" could be, LEONA and CALEB both (24) or LEONA (24) and CALEB (24). Good screenwriting is using as few words as possible, but using the right words. :)

Not a bad effort at all, even if lightweight story wise.

I do like the premise of this, but I feel there should be more to Leona and Caleb. The standout part for me was when Leona gave them the business when she won.

The beginning was oddly nice about things and kinda funny in my mind. This short seems like it's missing that one ingredient. I'm not sure if I got the Monopoly joke at the end other than - we're not doing this again. Not bad.

I found the descriptions to be over written - yeah, I got what I was supposed to see - it just took more words than needed to get there.

Not sure you needed the debate about which game to play -I think it would have read crisper just to get to it. i.e., all we have is Sorry  groans.

Quoted Text Mary, Leona, Caleb, and Peter are all sitting around the Sorry board. The pieces are all over the board. Mary's blue "home" is empty, and her "start" has three pawns. Her forth pawn is four spaces away from "start". Leona's red "home" has two pawns, and her "start" has one. One of Caleb's yellow pawns is just outside Leona's "safety zone". His other three pawns are in his "start".

Interesting - I think the above is going to be a challenge in all scripts - that is - how much detail do you add about the specific game you are using.  The above is a lot to remember going forward (i.e., am I really going to keep track of each character's status?). This is not so much a criticism is it is an observation on what I think is a unique challenge for this OWC - how to describe the game itself. The above took me a few passes - but I got it.

I don't think the "CUT TO" on  page 4 is needed. You next scene is LATER.

Okay - same issue on page 5 - the CUT TOs are not needed. I think you can get rid of them all.

I think this could have been a few pages shorter - it started to drag a bit.

I don't recall ever playing 'sorry' so got a little lost with your long winded description on page 3.

Sorry that was pretty weak and predictable.

At least you used actual games for the main emphasis, as opposed to other scripts I read.

Good job on entering just need a stronger story

A few thoughts and some or all of them could be useless...

The game selection opening seemed a little long winded, could be easily shortened.

Never played Sorry so you do a good job in explaining it.

The targetting felt very real and believable, I used to do that as a kid.

But then the final sequence with Triv just seemed too easy and then the power coming back on... sorry a co-incidence too far imho.

Oh, and why was their a powercut for days?

Liked the start but not the end on this one.

A lot of the action paragraphs read very clunky.  Why does the writer continually tell us about candles not being lit and flashlights not being turned on during the day scenes?  This happened throughout the script.  

It's hard to justify 11 pages for such a minimal outcome.  Two unpleasant characters reunite over a board game.  Sorry, gotta pass on this one.

Logline was promising, but I personally think that a idea like this should've been bit shorter than what it was.

I've always had Sorry, but have never really bothered to play it.

There are a few things you can cut in your action, like telling the opening scene is in a living room of a one bedroom apartment, we only see the living room so I think you can just put that into your scene heading, one other thing would be telling us the flashlights were off and the candles extinguished , you can just simply say daylight is coming in through the windows.

Now a bad story, just wish the ending had more of an impact than it did.

Sorry, not sorry

Logline is a bit of a mouthful, not that I can lecture on logline said.

Let's see...

Falling out over a game and then having to get back together again is a sound foundation. However, I wassnt  sold on this . The reactions seemed a little over the top and the get back together a bit simple.

Reading some comments above, I also agree that I didn't care for the characters and that makes a difference.

I think I would challenge you to see if this can be pulled off in one scene. That should add focus.

All the best

Reads like a newbie script and being a newbie myself I see a lot of commonality to the errors I make and have made (If you have been screenwriting for 10 years, Sorry... oops, bad pun)

The description of Sorry layout was a chore to read. The dialogue just didn't ring as genuine in parts, some repetition some conversations that didn't really add much to the premise. Quite a lot of prose writing in the action, like a short story.

The ending was a real anti-climax. Didn't really go anywhere for me. But maybe I'm getting used to cannibalism, dysfunctional murderous families, freaky kids and supernatural entities when it comes to these OWC games :-)

Page 10 'capital' instead of 'capitol' .

I don't know this game at all, so wasn't 100% clear on what was happening or why they were upset. But I got the gist of it.

Ultimately it just felt like the story itself was very threadbare. There's not really a great deal that happens and it seems a stretch their relationship would be in jeopardy over this little incident, so it's hard as a reader to get emotionally invested in this script. At the end of the day I just didn't care enough about them or what happens.

As others have mentioned, it's really overwritten. You can be way more economical with your words. For example, your first paragraph could be written as, "Candles and flashlights illuminate the room." In six words I've conveyed the same thing you'd see on screen as what you've done in 26.

Second paragraph could be, "PETER, 20's, sits in a chair. On the couch opposite, LEONA and CALEB, also 20's. All three stare at their phones."

These are just rough examples of course, but your scripts will read much crisper when you get rid of all the extraneous words.

Writer is guilty of the same sins many of us are trying to overcome (well, at least, I know I am): Try to avoid is, are, ing, ly, (wrylies) and beats - both regular and small.

Sorry, not sorry

Title: Not my favourite.


Premise: Board games during a blackout cause conflict in a relationship. A topic that has potential, but needs to be seriously well written.


Script: Opening shot isn't very well described, in my humble opinion. There's nothing wrong with the image, it's just a bit haphazard and confusing. Is it lit by candle-light or flash-light or both? Or are they just there, but not on?

Pedantic, but you need to set the scene as you see it, and not leave it open to interpretation so much.

Where are the flash-lights...on the floor, hanging from the ceiling, on a table?


Maybe the room is lit by candles dotted around the room, and the flash-lights are gathered on a table in the middle.

Everything you write, and the ordr you write it in tells a story and is important to the image the audience, Director and Production staff receive in their minds. Be clear.

Character introductions are weak. Tell us what they look like, and at least give us their general demeanour. Give something for the actors and Director to work with. We can tell a lot about their state of dress, their body language etc. You give us nothing at all apart from their age.


By Page 3 the boring bone is rattling in its cage. It's biting the bars, trying to get and savage my fleshy parts. Let's hope you can calm him down, soon.

In terms of evaluating this for Production, I would be out by Page 4. The premise is somewhat forgettable, and the action based around the board game is monotonous.

Unfortunately it only gets worse.  I don't care about any of these people, or their relationships, so the whole thing is tedious.

The boring bone has torn through the cage, ripped the room apart, and has already feasted on all my limbs.

It's now slowly and deliberately working its way through my stomach cavity, and is consuming me from the inside out.

A terminal case of boredom, I'm afraid. I think there's probably a story to be created out of your initial premise, but this isn't there, yet.

Not for me. Sorry. (Hoho).

Hmmmm... I get the feeling that whoever wrote this one is pretty good at dialogue.  There's a lot of back and forth banter in this one; and if polished that'd be fun.  (And clearly - whoever wrote this is also a Democrat... at least based on the Republican line...)  :)))

My qualms on it: too long a story.  Maybe my lack of experience with Sorry as a board game made things even more confusing - but I really don't have an idea what happened here.  The story just sort of wandered.

The writer is clearly competent - but the tale itself?  Not for me.  At least in its current state...

Which doesn't mean rewrites don't often happen... :))

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

IMO, It's a pretty thin storyline, and it's overwritten by a fair amount. Your action blocks could be cut down significantly and save yourself a few pages (and the interest of readers).  At most, this should be seven or eight pages. Essentially the story is a couple broke up over a game and then get back together when they play a different game and are allowed to win.  That's not much to work off of, especially over 11 pages. I would try to add some twists or somehow raise the stakes a little bit to make the story more interesting.

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 2.5
Story: 2.5
Character: 3
Dialogue: 3
Writing: 3
Overall: 2.8

Good luck!
Gary

Some nice little touches of humour and a lot of your dialogue is good but the central idea needs expanding upon. It's a good premise - a falling out as a result of playing a game has potential, but as is this needs something more - an injection of surprise, twist, something we don't see coming. Lil' technical tip - and sorry if I'm repeating something others have said: - get rid of your CUT TOs and keep your action/description passages to four lines.

Oh, and don't let neg feedback put you off. We all get it. :) Keep at it.

Some notes.

Slow opening.  How about they're already playing?  

Not much at stake in this one, just a year-long romance.  Why not have them play for something large?

The electricity being out doesn't seem germane except for the possibility that it drove them to the game.  Why not strip poker?

And the ending.  Throwing the game is not my idea of a great strategy.  And everything works out....hmmm.

Best
Richard

The number one rule when writing comedy is pretty simple: it has to be funny. I laughed once up to page 4 and then I continued to bang my funny bone against my brick wall with little effect.

Have never heard of the game either (actually quite a few games in this challenge are new to me as an Aussie lol). Anyway I began to skim after that. I may have to re-read when I'm less tired.

The second rule of comedy writing is to keep the spontaneity of the humour by not tinkering with it with rewrites, but that's in the future I guess

Sorry, not sorry

Strange young people. Interesting to watch them.

Reads a bit like reality tv only with normal people. It's a bit long for what it is. Not that I dislike some simplicity but 11p is tough. I'm happy they're together again now.

C

Like the title. And the logline is good for me.

The fact that someone is trying to repair a relationship torn apart by a game seems like a good concept to me.

As I read I find myself skimming because I want to get to the story. Finally we do but it's near the end.

I'm ok with a lot of dialogue but it has to go somewhere and not just back and forth for the sake of talking ya know? Move the story or give me some insight on your character.

Not sure this really felt like a comedy to me. Think it's worth a rewrite though.

Good job.

Pretty good story. A few typos here and there.

You could have cut the transitions and saved a page or two.

You could have beefed up the dialogue and tension a bit more.

You switch from Sorry! to Trivial Pursuit. Of the two, I've only played Sorry. But I'm pretty good with trivia in general.

The gameplay paragraphs are too long. Break them up into smaller paragraphs.

No need to remind us that the power is out and they're using candles.

7.9/10

Presley York,

Never played Sorry before. Hopefully it doesn't matter too much.

In the end there's not much of a story here. They fight during a game, make up during another. I feel you've got to add something else to give this one a bit more oomph. The writing is ok, a tad passive at times but the story was easy to follow. As I've said, if you could add a little more to excite the reader it'd help this one out tremendously.

Good luck.

Glenn.

Thank you everyone for reading this!

A lot of people didn't like the game choice scene. Would it be better to improve it, make it funnier, or to just get rid of it and start with playing the game?

I do think that I could go into a little bit less detail about the game, and break the paragraphs up.

Someone, i can't remember who, I just remember this from reading the comments earlier, mentioned that they didn't like that the power came back on at the end. That was actually something I had never intended on doing, but when I got there, I did it because I thought it would help set up the final joke. But, really, the joke can be done without that.

The story was never intended to be super intense. I generally write sitcoms, so as a result this ends up feeling like a sitcom storyline.