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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  January 2016 OWC  /  Mindcraft - OWC
Posted by: Don, January 23rd, 2016, 9:51am
Mindcraft by Steve McDonell - Short, Fantasy, Horror - A young girl's birthday present becomes a problem for her parents... - pdf, format 8)



Note: This Screenplay was written on a tablet using Celtx. The formatting may be a bit off.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, January 23rd, 2016, 11:57am; Reply: 1
Not bad, but I thought it took way to long to get going. IMHO, you can easily cut two pages out from the beginning. There isn't a whole lot going on. Some hints about the game, but no real drama/conflict of any kind. Lots of niceities, but that doesn't necessarily make good film. Get to the meat of the story a little quicker.

The writing was fine, but you need to fix the numerous times your pages end with a character name, but the dialogue doesn't start until the following page.

Good job!  :)
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 23rd, 2016, 12:17pm; Reply: 2
mindcraft

like the title, good play on the popular app which my girls love

no title page - is this to put us off??

ok here we go...

SUPER - MASTIC LONG ISLAND NEW YORK - not sure what this means

p2 character is on the wrong page - rushed job me thinks, like many i suspect, and page 3
Max tries to kick and lunch but... punch??

ok finished

clearly a rushed job with many spaces between text, however, the idea of minecraft taking over resonates with this parent. i even went and told by two they had only another 30 mins!!

a very topical script and with a polish i could picture this being filmed in someway

as a complete story it's a little simple to be stellar, but a sound idea.

allt he best


Posted by: SAC, January 23rd, 2016, 1:08pm; Reply: 3
Writer,

This kinda reminds me of a Goosebumps episode. It's a bit silly, not very plausible but it doesn't mean it's without it's merits, or that it would appeal to a younger audience, which I think this would. As a script there are flaws, yes, such as having a character speak, then having their complete dialogue on the next
Page. You do this a few times and it is not acceptable. Other than that, it's the kind of story we've seen before and does not off anything new, but like I said, that doesn't mean it has no appeal.

Also, funny to see Mastic as the location as I'm a Long Islander as well. Lets Go Mets!

Overall, not bad but not for me.

Steve
Posted by: DanC, January 23rd, 2016, 1:32pm; Reply: 4
I think this is the best one that I've read so far.

I do think you can cut down on the pages.  Too much dialog that doesn't do anything.  Remember that less is more.  

Instead of a catatonic Lucy, I'd rather see her personality change.

Why did the parents go into the game?  Was it b/c they tore down the walls?

How did the words daddy's an asshole get there?  I thought the game did it...

Why didn't Lucy get sucked into the game?  

Lastly, if the game was broken like that, wouldn't they just cut the service on their end rather then having each player "not" play the game?

I enjoyed it though, it was a fun read.  I'd like to know why all this happened, but, it's okay that we don't.

7/10
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, January 23rd, 2016, 2:17pm; Reply: 5
Mindcraft


Title. I'm not sure. I quite like it on its own, but I don't like its association with Minecraft.


Premise: Computer game that can affect reality. Workable.

Script:

Unfortunately my boring bone really played up at this one. By page 6 I was having a full blown attack of gout. It was like a demon with a needle stabbing into the very marrow of that infamous piece of my anatomy.

I'll admit, at that part I started to skim. I think there's a good bit of chat that could be cut away.

I think to make this work you'd need either a lot more chills regarding the girl turning into something else, or see the game start to effect reality a lot earlier, so there's an increasing tension.

As it is it grinds along, then explodes into action at the end, but by then it's a little too late to save it.

Not terrible by any means, but needs a rework to really make it something in my own opinion of course.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), January 23rd, 2016, 3:17pm; Reply: 6
Code

LUCY
Wow! Oh, Mom, I don't believe
it...an Xbox three sixty?



It's a modern kitchen. This says something about the family that lives there. Then comes the 360 and I do a double take. Surely they would have gone the extra yard or two and bought an Xbox One.


I'm at page 8 and I really want this to get going. I'm skipping bits now.

Yeah, not something I'd call good, but maybe some kids would love the visual aspect of it. I call this game, Minecrap. Thankfully my kids don't play it any more. I found it extremely annoying that they could use the latest technology to play something not even as visually appealing as the old Spectrum games.
Posted by: irish eyes, January 23rd, 2016, 5:00pm; Reply: 7
Maybe hyphenate the MASTIC - LONG ISLAND - NY  otherwise not from the area might be confused.

Character on one page dialogue on another... not good
Did it again...
and a 3rd time?

Took a while to get going... I remember South Park doing an episode similar.  
Personally I've never played the game, but it was an interesting premise.

The writing overall was good and storyline worked.

good job
Posted by: Ryan1, January 23rd, 2016, 6:14pm; Reply: 8
Got a feeling this one was submitted in a hurry because those glaring errors of a character name at the bottom of the page and the dialogue beginning on the following page were distracting.  That being said, this was a pretty good idea for a script.  All you have to do is watch people walk in a mall or airport and watch them transfixed by their phones to understand that technology does have a serious grip over us.  I think the story could have built more dread if the Minecraft phenomena wasn't just localized to Lucy, but kids all over her school.

The story had an ominous tone until it veered sharply into Tron territory.  Personally, I think it would have been more macabre if the game emitted some kind of subliminal message commanding Lucy to do something to her parents, and this was happening to kids throughout the world at the same time.

Not bad at all, but needs some work.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, January 23rd, 2016, 8:26pm; Reply: 9
Thoughts are frequent, their value less obvious

Mastic New York - learnt something new.

Something seems off with the formatting, software?

Is the console second hand or the script set a few years ago? And wouldn't a console be a little expensive to give her as an early prezzie, is she getting a horse on the day? ;-)

Monopoly for a 7 year old?

So decent opening, like the build up to her becoming obsessed with the game, very believable...

But then the end, I don't know, I wanted more, seemed a little off.


Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), January 24th, 2016, 3:57am; Reply: 10

Quoted from Ryan1
Got a feeling this one was submitted in a hurry because those glaring errors of a character name at the bottom of the page and the dialogue beginning on the following page were distracting.


That may be a software error/glitch. I use an old OS (Ubuntu 14-something) and an old version of Celtx, sometimes my pdf's convert like that too. It's annoying. Not only that but it may not even be the .pdf but the way the browser is interpreting the .pdf.

I'd put this down to a compatibility issue rather than user error.
Posted by: eldave1, January 24th, 2016, 9:59pm; Reply: 11
Solid premise and sound dialogue - it all sounded natural. There is talent here.

I would cut out the pages involving monopoly and the Mets game - they are not really needed for the story and this is where the story drags a bit.

Not crazy about the "WARNING" as the ending. Just struck me as the easy way out.

Solid effort for the most part.
Posted by: LC, January 24th, 2016, 11:17pm; Reply: 12
Perhaps it's just me but Rita's (Mom's) dialogue in all the opening passages sound tongue in cheek, and stilted, as if we've ventured into Stepford territory.

At risk of repeating well trod feedback it takes an awful long time to get to the good bit. Once we're there it's entertaining but the lead in is way too long. Definitely can see the rush with this entry - tenses going every which way, little errors - I understand cause of Don's note that the formatting was a bit off so overlooked that.

The ending I'd leave with the message that came up on the screen - but edit it so it's shorter, pithier. Overall it's a pretty good idea with a Twilight feel which I love, but it needs some work.
Posted by: Trojan, January 25th, 2016, 9:07am; Reply: 13
I had a hard time taking this seriously as I found the dialogue incredibly cheesy and stilted. What 7-year-olds are saying things like, "Oh mom, you're the greatest" every other sentence? It felt like an episode of the Brady Bunch.

Interesting idea, needs a lot of cleaning up though. Didn't like the ending with the warning on screen, as it's like trying to give a logical explanation to a completely illogical occurrence. I wouldn't even try to justify how it happened, most viewers will just go along with it as the piece of fantasy that it is.
Posted by: RichardR, January 25th, 2016, 10:49am; Reply: 14
Some notes.

Wasn't sure the pacing fit.  Did like how the child becomes addicted; some games can do that.  

The ending seemed a tack on for me.  There was no hint that the game could absorb people.  Now, if you had a scene where the parents find the girl gone, and when she comes back her hands are dirty...well, what would one think?  You have a setup for the ending.  

Dialogue was too formal and too on the nose.  Short and quick, the way people who have known each other a long time tend to speak.  

Best
Richard
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), January 26th, 2016, 11:07am; Reply: 15
Well, I do feel this has potential. The bones and premise are there, and could definitely be reshaped into a tighter script.  My five cents - it doesn't really fit the criteria of the contest.  Sure, you threw Monopoly in there, but that's just window dressing. Minecraft is the really focus - and that's not family game night.  Plus - the script does meander.  I think you could cut off about four pages to tighten this and really make it fun!

Following are a few general notes that might be of assistance.  Kudos - wherever you decide to take this:

P 1: space after Rita (32)
First impression: a little TOO generic with the descriptions.  Yes, overwriting is bad.  But there’s got to be some judicious poetry in them there lines.  
P 1-2: I’m guessing this was written in Word? Don’t separate Character from dialogue (ie: with Rita at the bottom.)
p. 5: Extra space before Lucy’s bottom dialog
p. 8-9: Reunite Max header with dialogue
p. 9: extra paragraph before “Max”
p. 11: extra paragraph before Family Room slug
Posted by: Stumpzian, January 26th, 2016, 1:21pm; Reply: 16
Shorter would better for this one. If we kind of know where a story is going, impatience sets in quickly ("Are we there yet?).

Plus, the reader can be more easily distracted on the ride by whatever errors might be there, whether from software format problems or mistakes due to haste. I don't notice that stuff much if a story is pulling me along.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, January 26th, 2016, 8:16pm; Reply: 17
I liked this pretty good. There are spelling errors and I think the first several pages can/should be trimmed down to get to the story faster. I love the part where the parents become part of the game. I think though that maybe you could really give this more contrast perhaps by instead of them giving her the game..maybe she saved up and spent all her allowance on it ....but her parents will barely let her play it. Homework, family time, church whatever takes place making the child grow angry because she cannot play and then finally the machine sucks the parents in.

I do not think the green glowing and the magic of this was fleshed out enough. It was a bit confusing even. For example, if the girl was taken over by the game at first...why didn't she appear inside the game like her parents? And I love the warning but may have been foreshadow if the child was reading the directions with the warning at the bottom but her dad threw them away. We all know how most men don't take the time to read directions! :)

Overall, I think this could be really good with some reworking. Nice concept I think.

Good job.
Posted by: ChrisBodily, January 29th, 2016, 12:42am; Reply: 18
The good news: The story itself was great.

The bad news:  :-/ The script needs more work.

There are a few missing words, several instances of characters being separated from their dialogue (not your fault, apparently, so I'll forgive it), and other issues.

The dialogue is average at best, cringeworthy at worst. A little more subtext would be nice.

I'm all for a slow burn horror/thriller, but it takes a while to get going. Have something odd, eerie, spooky, unsettling happen early, maybe even as a cold open before we're introduced to the leads.

I loved the Poltergeist and Tron influences, but you could have done more.

Nice effort. 7.5/10
Posted by: Gum, January 29th, 2016, 1:58pm; Reply: 19
I have a few more reads to get in before the reveal, might as well start here.

I can certainly get on-board with the addiction these kids go through with these games. My daughter has now migrated from ‘Mindcraft’ over to ‘League of Legends’, which is equally annoying now that she (literally) screams into her Skype headset when they’re playing… all the live long day.

The premise was there, to bring out a supernatural element within the story that is but, I’m not really feeling the sci-fi element you were going for; Vis–à–vis, being pulled into the video game.

Even within an 8 Bit world I would imagine it would appear more surreal than one could 'ever' imagine, with all the mechanics of a digital realm still in effect.  The Mincraft user warning at the final scene almost appears like an afterthought.

Compiling it with an Apple device was probably not the best way to go either, but if you’re on the road…

It’s an interesting concept that had a nice creepy thing going on.  Best of luck.
Posted by: PrussianMosby, January 29th, 2016, 4:58pm; Reply: 20
Mindcraft

Being John Malkovich hah? Twist is good. In the end it was too much in the trademark corner for me. Don't know why, perhaps because of all those specific terms.

Just my opinion. Still, good characterizations I think.

C
Posted by: IamGlenn, January 30th, 2016, 7:15pm; Reply: 21
Delores Biggs,

This was rather enjoyable. Definitely reminded me of an episode of Goosebumps. Had that wacky vibe. Simple story, nice writing and a strange little ending. One of the better ones.

Good job.

Glenn.
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