Favorite Game by Richard Russell - Short - A man uses games to try and win back his divorced wife. - pdf, format 8)

Quick thoughts on this:

Wasn't really a story surrounding a game, was more a script with the characters trying to cram as many old game references as they could into their dialogue.  Wasn't a lot pushing the story forward because the dialogue was too obsessed with using the game puns. The ending was a bit of a jumble (see what I did there?) as the reader tried to figure out exactly who got shot.  Instead of focusing on that ending, it felt a bit rushed to a conclusion.

Ratings (out of 5):

Concept: 2.5
Story: 3
Character: 3
Dialogue: 2.5
Structure: 3
Writing: 3
Overall: 2.83

Good luck!
Gary

A winner in my book. Excellent top to bottom. No false notes. Game references did not intrude because they were handled in a natural manner. You have to imagine them spoken as part of dialogue. And Milton Bradley -- ha.

Props to an excellent writer.

Sorry, but, I didn't care for this either...

The object was to make the game central to the story.  It was supposed to be vital.  It wasn't.

I actually found it a bit confusing.  Why did he take the photo?  What was the purpose?

What about the double and triple dealing, that was all handled very fast and abruptly.  

Overall, the dialog was good, the story was interesting, but, it sure went from one genre to another on a dime...

5/10

I loved the lines "Remember what Twister lead to?" "I tried to forget." I also loved how the dialogue matched the Jenga game, and all of the references to Chess.

Bradley fires the first shot, I believe, but Milton doesn't seem at all surprised. I thought it was someone he had hired to shoot at first.

Make it more clear who kills Jeannie, because you don't actually say, we just have to assume that it is Milton.

Writer,

Pretty good effort here. I was amused by the dialogue and all it's references to the board games. This felt bery noir-ish that way! The writing is good, and it had a decent pace to it, but got a tad slow. Things did get a bit confusing once the killings began, but I stayed on track for the most part. The one question I wanted to be answered was -- what is Alladins Dragon and why is it worth so much? What significance does it carry. Almost like a MacGuffin but it never materializes. So this left me feeling a bit unsatisfied, but this is a short challenge anyway.

Overall, a decent effort.

Steve

I both liked this one and didn't at the same time.

I liked the premise here and the many twists. However, I think there might have been one or maybe even two twists too many at the end. It felt like an old TV show that didn't quite want to end.

I also thought the dialogue was a little too long and sounded like Milton and Jeanne were more like in their seventies. I would've preferred it to be just a tad edgier than this pretend upper class stodginess.

I liked the idea though and definitely think it could be rewritten into something a little snappier.

They played Jenga and that was instrumental to the first few pages, so you covered the parameter there.

Mentioning board games in the dialogue throughout was pretty clever.

Overall not a riveting read, but was not bad either.

Just my opinions of course...

So, I liked the banter and the ending action with all the twists but I wasn't a massive fan of all the game references, didn't seem to fit the latter portion of the script imho.

SPOILER

No entirely sure why Bradley killed both of them?

Decent effort though.

I wasn't sure if this was meant to be serious or not, with all the references to different games. Then with all the shootings and fake shootings at the end it seemed more like a parody than anything else of these types of stories.

Was a bit dialogue-heavy in the beginning with not a great deal of action happening, and I found it a struggle to stay engaged with the story as I didn't really know what was going on.

Competently written, just didn't really do it for me.

Hi Writer,

You missed one, a game I used to play back in the day... Mastermind!

That about sums it up for me... you clever bastard, er... unless you actually are an illegitimate child, then I'm sorry... you clever bastard.

I will go on to say that the last few pages sent me for another read but, in the end it was all good, and I did catch the gist of what took place. Good writing and a very solid entry for this OWC.

Well - the characters were Milton-Bradley - so I should assume all the game references were coming.

Clever in parts and a bit tedious in others. The coming back and forth from the dead didn't so it for me.

You have a great sense of dialogue and for the most parts I loved the "way" your characters spoke but got derailed by the strained references to Board games. I think this could have been an A+ had you stuck to the log line and just did the dialogue straight up.

There is talent here. The script just veered off for me.

No genre?
You put a lot of thought into this.
So many game references:

MILTON
You were everything to me.  You
held a monopoly on my affections.
JEANNIE
Balderdash.  Money was always your
guiding light.

And so on, and so on... touché.
Clever, and well put together but imh it lacks heart. I just don't feel I'm connected to any of the characters, care if they live or die etc.

Entertaining, but a bit too clever in its design. Also the 'game playing' was between themselves - playing their own game against each other with a little token Jenga thrown in to satisfy the challenge requirement.

Good effort nonetheless.

Short review:

Oh God.  The references really made me giggle on this one.  Plus, the men being named Milton and Bradley?  I'm so embarrassed that it took me awhile to catch on there.

Not too much to say.  I really paid more attention to the lines that were sneaking into the dialogue rather than the story (aka McGuffin), which was pretty straightforward.  I THINK this could be tightened up a bit  - perhaps even make it more Maltese Falcon noir -  but otherwise, fun and goofy!  

Kudos and cheers,

--J (W)

favourite game

logline - quite like that, throws up a curious juxtaposition - i wonder how you will pull this off

lets see..

a lot of thought into this and much works, but like salt in food, seemed to go too far. intelligent writing though.

in essence this is a tactical  game largely focused around chess moves (who plays that around here i wonder) and to me that works - within reason - and should be more of a focus for the script. e.g. they play together and only later do the moves they describe then get played out like a parallel version

the inclusion of the third person slightly changes this all i wonder whether a revised one should just include the two of them?

all the best

Code JEANNIE I won’t flatter your Sherlock Holmes self-image. Enough of this Ruy Lopez opening, why am I here?

Ooh. Impressive.

Code He calmly closes the door without exposing himself.

Good thing too... think of the neighbours.

OK, I'm getting kinda lost. The story has gone all over the place. I can see what you're doing with the back and forth, but it's a little confusing to read at present. Could do with some extra clarity.

With a rewrite this could be quite good. I like the 'backward pawn' line at the end. So often a target, yet, in the right circumstances, can also win a game.

One of the smarter scripts, but lacks a little in clarity around pages 7-8.

Great writing. The game references kept coming didn't they? Might be making up for the entries with little or no connection to games... 27 OWC's and 38 games, more han enough to share :-)

I too had to go back and re read to find out who shot who, how did it happen. Still confused.

Some great lines in the script, some of the games were incorporated seamlessly in the dialogue, but others were obviously forced.

Good potential with a bit of re working, and perhaps a few less games.

Favourite Game


It talked so much it gave the boring bone a sore throat....and he hasn't even got a throat.

Seems like there could be a decent story under all those layers of yak, though.

Keep the good chat, lose the rest. Focus a bit more on character actions and reactions, and it might not be bad.

Some of the dialogue was very good, but it felt like the death of a thousand cuts.

Had no idea about the game references till I read earlier comments lol. Not sure what Jenga is either!

Writer knew what he was doing but again the chars were just mere caricatures and I had no feel for them. Pity it wasn't set near the ocean so the BLOB could get them

Favorite Game

There's a lot of talk building the exposition. Insurance, Alladin Dragon, filmmaker Bradley. They shouldn't tell about the plot which decides the story later, rather live it. Feels as if they're constantly talking about things off screen while I don't get to know them by their actions. Good tension in climax then; just didn't feel complete as a whole yet.

D+

Tantrix,

Pretty good job with this one. The story was good, quick read and for the most part enjoyable. I think it could be trimmed, especially the start with the couple bickering back and forth a little too much. The use of board game titles in the dialogue is clever but over done IMO. It ends nicely though and each of the twists caught me off guard, so congrats on that.

Nice work,

Glenn.