Your Turn by Anthony Cawood - Short - The babysitter's choice of boardgame isn't popular with her charges, neither is her cheating. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Whats a Suburban hallway?

nigth... spelling mistake first line

Hannah said, it's Friday and we
always play games....   could you be any more obvious towards the OWC ;D;D

INSERT: Board game, Urban Myth... another nod to a different OWC ;D

Why is "answers" in bold?

Nice ending.

I think I know who wrote this.   Not a bad entry, wording was a little difficult.

Good job on getting an entry

Typo - night  - in first line.

This is now the 4th script where there is a debate about which game to play - In all of the others - and this one as well - I don't think the debate moves the story and it is not needed.

Okay done.

One of my favorites so far - well paced, believable dialogue and a delicious ending. Nice job writer.

Code Amy can see she's upset the kids, worries about her Uber Sitter rating.

Not a big deal... maybe even fun for a director and you to figure out how to send this information to the viewer, but it should really be in the script. Cheating a little bit.

I liked that. Short, simple and a nice shock ending. This would film well, IMO. Nice job.

On the first page, you don't mention that Amy is there until after a line of dialogue.

On page 6, Amy laughs at the kids in a mocking way, even though they are kids she doesn't really know and she knows that they are sore losers. It doesn't seem like Amy is that smart.

On page 7 then, she worried about her rating, which I think she should have thought about on page 6.

Interesting ending, I enjoyed it.

I wondered whether this game is real so looked it up. It is. $19.95.

The script is pretty good. The writing is surefooted, the pacing just right.

Spoiler:
I did expect Amy to be in for something bad. I hate to be right.

Writer,

Good set up, nice writing, too. I enjoyed it, but it kinda fizzled for me in the end. It's more like it stopped short, without giving us a proper end. I would have liked to see where this went had you taken it further. As is it loses all of the steam you'd built up so well.

Overall good.

Steve

My opinion on this may not be the same tomorrow, or useful either day...

Not sure about the Uber app, but let it slide for now.

Bored teenager babysitter, would she do anything other than watch TV?

Game itself, thanks Stumpzian saved me Googling it... okay so that passes the rules.

Thought the banter worked and liked that she was cheating, even thought they were kids.

Fair effort,

This was pretty good, but it felt like the tension could have been steadily increased throughout the story as the babysitter realizes there is something really wrong with these kids.  The board game scenes got rather repetitive.  I like the shock ending, although logically a 17-18 year old girl would be more than a match for two kids that young.  Maybe if it was implied that there's more to Hannah than her age, something supernatural.  Anyway, not bad.

The actions of the 8-year old girl at the end are entirely implausible, IMHO. I get that you're going for shock factor but I just don't buy it.

Besides, how exactly would a little kid be able to hang a nearly-adult woman?

Aside from that, it's well-written enough (except for a few typos throughout) and it moves at a good pace.

Your turn

Logline - rather like that. Let's see...

A couple of missing words etc so sees a rushed job, but most are and it didn't affect the read. In fact it moved along quite well.

I suppose much hangs...boom boom...on the twist and whether that works. The evil kids etc as written this feels a little out of the blue and as mentioned she would be quite a lot older, but there are other ways they could get her like drugged beforehand

Bringing in hangman, that was a nice touch.

I know scripts aren't always logical, but you do wonder just what the parents will make of a dead girl, or a missing babysitter. Is that an issue, well I think a lot depend on the foreshadowing. I would like to see the babysitter worried outside the house, before entering. Father perhaps weird, mother tries to make up for it. That kind of thing then sets the scene a tad more.

But for a OWC nice entry.

Quick read and I like babysitter stories.
Seems like Mom knew that her little tykes had a dangerous streak. Amy couldn't have been the first sitter to  go 'swinging' with the kids. Nice ending, although I wish Amy were a tad nastier. Maybe she plays for money and takes the kids' allowance.
Well done.

I thought this was pretty good.

The story was believable and the kids were fun.

Pretty sure (SPOILERS) killing the babysitter gets the kids a bad rating on that app...

Just saying

How are they gonna explain another dead babysitter??  I mean, if they did it once...

You could have it stated how they can't find a babysitter the kids like, go the nanny mcphee route...

then with don't tell mom the babysitter's dead or kids shouldn't play with dead things....

Pretty fun.

8.5/10

Hi writer,

If not for anything, I definitely picked up some new info tonight. I had no idea about the app or the game.

I can't be bothered to do a search right now but, was Amy gonna' say "is it true Hitler only had one... testicle"? Did he, I mean, didn't he? Cause that would explain... everything! Maybe Mengele cut it out and sewed it up into Himmler and that's why he always had that stupid f*cking look on his face, like he was constipated.

It's a fun, clever script with a very creative take on the theme. I myself have no reservations about taking out an 8 year old if they put a noose around my neck, in fact... I have no reservations about using an 8 year old as a weapon to take out bigger kids either. Unless it actually happened, then I don't know what I would actually do.

Hannah's line of dialog won this over for me. Awesome...

Brutal ending, but inspired idea. Loved the babysitting App and the set up. Like some other 'game' scripts it takes a while to get going. Never heard of the term 'drip white' before for appearance so that's a newie on me.

I like the idea of the kids being bad seeds (ever see that classic movie The Bad Seed? Very creepy) for no apparent reason other than Mom says they're bad losers.

So much more could be done with this idea. Reads rushed to me.

Start with the game earlier, ramp up the tension/threat level earlier and I'd inject a little more cunning/cleverness with the kids manipulating the babysitter. At the moment Amy comes across cool as a cucumber and the one in control. And give Hannah some dialogue - I get that she's engineering things with Brad but I'm not sure having her mute until the end gives her final line any more punch. I also think Amy needs a reason to go the kitchen for that 'glass of water' - (really, a glass of water?) for it to really spark too. Have the kids make her go into the kitchen otherwise it's just too convenient.

'Hannah makes an odd sicky noise.' - Hmm. Does she gag? Not sure you need that line as written.
Wouldn't it also be better if the kids specifically choose this game to play instead of saying it's 'boring'.?

This has potential to be a great.

Liked the concept, the vibe, dialogue was good, but I'm still sending you to IS, ARE, ING prison. Overall, a solid effort. Did have a problem with the phyical implausibility of a small child slipping a noose over the head and around the neck of a larger (?) baby sitter. A few tweaks and you got a winner. Kudos.

Some notes.
The start seems overlong.  If the parents were using the app, wouldn’t they already know how it works?  

The first game is fine with me.  I didn’t know there were so many myths.  I would like it better if you showed the babysitter cheating in the beginning, perhaps starting the app clock before the parents actually left, getting a little edge.  Then, her cheating against the kids makes sense.

Having mom call back to warn the babysitter seems too planted.  Perhaps at the beginning, perhaps if the sitter is new because grandma died while sitting the kids.  We get a hint as to what is to come.  

I’m not sure about the ending.  That a couple of smallish children and overpower a teenage girl seems too much, but that’s me.  I do like hangman, though.  I simply wish there was a more clever way to execute it.

Best
Richard

I thought this was pretty good. They playing of the game was fine and all the characters were good and the writing fine. In fact, everything was fine until the very end. I couldn't really see the shy eight year old Hannah slipping a noose over Amy's head. Maybe find some other way for the kids to finish Amy off that's not so physically a stretch of the imagination.

Your Turn

I'm a bit sensitive with having young actors playing in hard plots. But that for sure is a personal thing.

The last twist reminded me of the movie Identity. It has its strengths and you definetly tried but to me the story isn't set up that well yet.

C-

Like the logline ...great way to start.

Good writing here and pretty good dialogue as well.

Like the end and how they get her for cheating but I think you could have picked a better game and let the babysitter be a little more nasty and show her cheating ....

Love the irony in that parents worrying about leaving their kids with the uber sitter when in the end ...the uber sitter is the one in danger. :) Nice move.

Great job.

Well, I kind of like the concept, but I think very much need to give a *ton* of tweaks to the kids to justify that ending.  Really, while it's potentially a really nasty twist - I don't feel you've set up at all that those kids are capable of something as amazingly horrible as that.  For instance, make the parents extra worried, mention that they've been a "handful" to the point that social services got called in, etc, etc.  Otherwise - it just comes completely out of the blue.  That said - here are one or two minor notes... not much at all!
Your Turn

P 1: IS wrapped (passive) for a winter’s NIGHT (typo)
P 5: Cute jump scare with the expected serial killer call!

Cheers!  --J (W)

Wow, sweet ending! This was pretty good. Had no idea where it was heading but it didn't get bogged down and flowed quite nicely.  One of my faves.

This was good. Kept me intrigued through to the end, although the ending was a bit difficult to swallow for a 10 and 8 yo overpower a 16 yo... Perhaps a 12 and 10 yo would be more plausible.

Not sure how you film " worried about her Uber Sitter rating"... seems to be a similar line to the one's I have been actively discouraged to use... But I am new to all this so stand to be corrected.

But ultimately this is a good little story which has potential outside the OWC

Voice Recording (these names are strange),

Pretty good. Wasn't really sure where this was going but was quite satisfied with the ending. I like that that the only words Hannah speaks are the ones at the end. Well written and enjoyable.

Good job.

Glenn.

Never heard of a "nigth" before. Is that a nice, warm Snuggie?  :P ;D Typo on the first page and opening line. Not a good sign.

Never heard of an app called Uber. Then again, I've barely heard of apps, period. Also, the line ends on an orphan.

I like how you took only one page to set the story up.

Quoted Text A commotion comes from next door, boisterous shouting and furniture scraping.

Next door? Is this in the same house?

Quoted Text BRAD, 10, bustles into the room, quickly followed by HANNAH, 8, who lines up behind her brother, hiding.

So, it was Brad and Hannah making all that noise "next door?" I'm confused.

Quoted Text BRAD Can we play a game?

Page 2. Good.

Quoted Text Amy looks up, live-pauses the TV show.

Should be a hyphen.

There's no "s" at the end of Battleship. And it's Hungry, Hungry Hippos. :)

Quoted Text AMY Why, thank you Hannah.

A little too polite.  There should be some subtext -- perhaps sarcasm ("Thank for... for your consideration."), mock-politeness (see: sarcasm), or wicked glee ("I'll pick a game these little brats hate, then I'll laugh with glee.")

Page 3. We finally pick a board game. Urban Legends. According to Google, it's a real board game.  Sounds promising.

Quoted Text BRAD It's dead boring.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text AMY Remember, True or Myth... Did Hitler really only have one --

Ha ha! Great line. *Whistling "Colonel Bogey March"*

Quoted Text BRAD True, Mum, said so.

British writer. Maybe this one's Dustin?

Why is "answers" bold? Better yet, why is anything bold?

Quoted Text AMY Not all of them are as nice as me, But, no, Myth.

Sarcasm? Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text BRAD Did a babysitter really get killed by a maniac who called her on the phone to tell her he'd killed the kids?

Classic urban myth. Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text Amy's phone rings. She jumps, goes drip white and carefully extracts it from her pocket.

Foreshadowing, or just a jump scare?

Quoted Text NATALIE (O.S.) Only me, everything okay?

Phone voices are V.O. And it helps to use (on phone) the first time s/he speaks.

Quoted Text NATALIE (O.S.) Great, they do love their games, careful though they're really, really, sore losers.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text Amy looks at Hannah, shy and quiet.

Child + Shy and quiet + Scary movie = Looks can be deceiving.

Quoted Text NATALIE (O.S.) Great, we'll see you in a couple of hours then.

No, you won't, Natalie.

Quoted Text BRAD Six again?

That makes 666. Uh-oh.  ;D

Quoted Text BRAD (sulking) Did a 16 year old babysitter become the world youngest serial killer when she murdered five people?

I can definitely sense some foreshadowing.

Quoted Text She feigns a yawn and looks [a]round, diversionary tactic to get a good look at the card.

"Suspiciously another six."   :o;D

Quoted Text Amy gets up and heads for the kitchen. AMY Up to you two. She leaves the room.

This can't be good.  :o ;D

Quoted Text Brad has moved a chair into the middle of the room.

This really can't be good. ;D

Quoted Text AMY What [are] we playing?

*spoiler*

Quoted Text Hannah comes from behind her and slips a noose over her head. Hannah whisper in her ear. HANNAH Hangman, you cheating bitch. She pulls the rope tight.

Ooh.  :o ;D I know an eight-year-old would know the word "bitch," but I wouldn't expect her to say it. Then again, the babysitter won't be alive to tattle on her, so it's worth the risk, I guess.  :P

Loved it! This would be simple to film, low budget. You get right into it, which is great. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

9/10

Thanks to everyone for the reads on this, glad it was generally well received.

I'll definitely be revising and re-submitting out of the OWC...

To address a couple of specifics...

I do know how to spell NIGHT, honest. I blame writing in a rush for that and eny other typos or passive writing ;-)

I chose this particular game because I thought it'd be useful for foreshadowing and as a nod to the previous OWC.

Hitler and his mono-testicle issue, it was WW2 propoganda popularised by the Brits, though some recent research seems to suggest that it might be true!

I don't think there is such an app as Uber-sitter, but it could work in a very similar way to Uber... I may take it to Dragon's Den ;-)

Kids ages and getting the noose on her... Will have a look at those but the script finishes with the noose round her neck, it doesn't end with her swing from the rafters and choking to death... She could quite conceivably escape... It's all you sick puppies who've got her dead ;-)

Answers is bolded to show emphasis as Amy is explaining that it's not the questions that are wrong, could have done it with italics or left it, but I wanted to be clear that Amy is being overly pointed with the kids.

Again, thanks for the reads and comments, will address in the re-write.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

This story was really fun.  I enjoyed it a lot.  I find it odd that people focus on stuff like typos and structure issues when most of the time, it's just a funky thing that happened.  

I look more at the story.  And this story was fun.  Not sure how you can cheat on throwing a die, (I've tried, it's really hard), but, she did...

It was a worthy entry from you.  Let me know if you need any help.  I'd be glad to be of assistance.  

Dan

Nice work, mate. This one could easily get picked up.

Thanks Dan and Dustin... gonna tidy this up some and put it on Inktip etc...

Dustin - liked the dark place yours went to, shoulda guessed it was yours ;-)

Dan - very inventive but I think there's almost two scripts in here, I'd strip one out and do a re-write n polish. happy to read again if/when you do.

Cheers

Anthony