Dames with Games - OWC

Writer,

This was just silly, twisted fun. It actually adheres to the parameters, though fir a little while I thought it wouldn't. A few laugh out loud moments got me -- the other board game titles. A few typos in there. Might wanna clean them up. But otherwise not bad. One issue I had was with the ending. Not fully satisfying, kinda leaves us hanging. Still, it was fun.

Good effort.

Steve

Dames and games

Comedy - well done, and I hope readers cut you slack. Quite frankly comedy is harder than every other genre and should be accepted in that way.

Now let me read and slag off your entire script....joking...here goes...

Brilliant start - pipes, bravo

Don't need a mini slug of dining room, put it in the main slug

Five years - good line. This feel like a Brit or Aussie writer...I wonder

Butler - nice linkage, and diversion, as we'll as humour

Oh, USA politics...

Finished

I like the idea of desperate men and things go wrong. Can't say why... Anyway, this seems to change tone a tad too much for me, but there some good lines. Gets a bit politics for me, for a script.

Well done for trying. I enjoyed a lot of it, until trump entered it...gosh that sounds weird.

A comedy... woohoo

I'm sure it'll be called a Pisser by somebody ;D

Off to a great start, I like the relationship between the 2 friends.. Funny shit.

Wow... i had to google those games and apparently they're all real... that's sick.
ahh Linked to Trump, now the racism makes sense ;D

A very creative way to use operation... kudos to that.

I would have had Ben have sex with the corpse at the end would have been better ;D

Great Job for one of the few comedies on show

Just my opinions...

See you did your research and came across some of the same games I did ;-)

Liked some of the banter, and the idea of a niche dating site was clever too... the conceit that he's so desperate for a woman that he'd entertain a white supremacist was good too.

But, then the end seemed to go into a place that I didn't think had really been set up.

So some decent ideas but didn't all hang together for me.

I suppose I should read this again to give it a fair shot. But I don't want to.

Lord, couldn't you have spelled masturbate correctly? Did Mr. Cheetoes write this?

So, they play Operation, and what happens in the game happens to Tiffany. Ho-hum.

Game Over.

I'm afraid I've got nothing positive to say about this one. Seems like it was written in ten minutes.

You really need to work on spelling, grammar, punctuation etc. This was a mess and maybe that was due to the fact that it was rushed. If not, you really need to pay more attention to the technical aspects of writing.

The story made zero sense to me and the supernatural twist at the end was bizarre as it hadn't been set up at all and was at odds with the rest of the script. The character actions were unbelievable as well, as was the premise. Sorry but it just didn't work for me on any level.

I guess it was clever. Why did the game happen to her in real life?

I'm not a Republican, but, I thought it was a bit of a low blow...

It was funny, but, far too many questions for me.

5/10

As stated previously some funny lines, but it did nothing for me except having me think whereabouts in my review was I going to reference Donald Trump.... And then the script did it ! That was my laugh out loud moment!

Hi writer,

Ambitious stab at a world on the edge of turmoil, coupled with political satire, what have you. I had some LOL moments with this and, the strange turn of events at the end was imaginative enough.

I managed to suspend disbelief of Tiffany appearing to placate Ben's lonely existence, so why not the arrival of Kaybe?

IMO, I felt it was missing some element of the supernatural to tie it all together, otherwise, it just kind of jumps around with no particular intention... except to murder the offspring of a politician?

Sloppy in places (typos, etc) - but I guess that is part of the time pressure of the OWC.

Andre's reaction to his friend jerking off didn't work for me - far too casual. It should have been a yuk moment.

The mixture of comedy with horror didn't work for me here. Maybe it's just me.

Some notes.

I had a hard time with this one. The humor didn't work for me. I do like the premise--get a babe to come to the house and play games. When it boiled down into silliness, I bailed. Sorry.

Best
Richard

Busen memo?
I had to look that game up, had no idea what it was, and no wonder...

I am so glad that opening was the character watching porn. It was a relief.

Moving on: Something to be said for the acute observation of a bereft or heartbroken character - drinking, wanking, and crying, all at the same time. There's nothing sadder and funnier. But you need more substance and focus and unfortunately this is all over the shop.

There is some nice comedy in your opening - on screen it would probably work - stereotypical slacker humour routine.

But then plot wise unfortunately it all falls apart with a hotchpotch commentary of sexism, racism, Donald Trumpism and I'm not sure even you could decide what your story was about. I lost it at this point as well, sorry. Written in a rush too, if I had to guess, and not enough real game playing.

Hmm. This had some classic comedy bits the on seemd to veer into some other territory.

A couple of Aussie slang terms - choking the chicken and dong - perhaps to throw the 'blame' onto other writers? Lol.

I may need to read it again tomorrow as I'm so tired at the mo.

Code

A young handsome rugged MAN, 35, with a Baywatch body skims the pool ever so gently. He glances over his shoulder to see a smoking hot older WOMAN, mid 50's with a body of 25 year old pre pregnancy remove her robe, dive into the pool.

Not a good first action block. I'm already getting the vibe that this writer doesn't know what they're doing. Or, just doesn't care.

Code

MAN (O.S.) Of course he would, any man would, clean my pipe.

What? Is this mid 50s woman now actually a man?

Code

masterbate

Seriously?

The dialogue kills it at the bottom of page one. Not my thing, sorry.

Dames with Games

Another "Comedy". Ugh.

Not for me.

Um, there's a kernel of a possibly fun premise in this one: i.e.: blind dates come over and turn out to be monstrous Nazis.  But should the guys still go for a cute, sure thing?

That said - and despite one or two giggles - I really felt this one went far off the rails.  I'll give you credit for a crazy imagination... but the story needs to be tightened up - and really work on a more intellectual level, rather than just go for gross out jokes and obviously inflammatory political comments (not that there's anything wrong with either - in moderation.)  Here are a few notes - hope this helps!

P 1: space after Rita (32)
First impression: a little TOO generic with the descriptions.  Yes, overwriting is bad.  But there’s got to be some judicious poetry in them there lines.
P 1-2: I’m guessing this was written in Word? Don’t separate Character from dialogue (ie: with Rita at the bottom.)
p. 5: Extra space before Lucy’s bottom dialog
p. 8-9: Reunite Max header with dialogue
p. 9: extra paragraph before “Max”
p. 11: extra paragraph before Family Room slug

This was pretty good for a comedy IMO.

You have a lot of misspelled words but that is expected in these quick assignments.

I have to say that I was in this thing and liking it until the political stuff at the end. It almost felt like a different story at the end.

I wish I could write comedy. Good job!

Hmmm....

Started out okay. Liked the idea of Dames with Games.

Masturbate not masterbate.

I take it you suggest that coming home and finding your roommate masturbating is as normal as finding them eating Cheetos and drinking beer. I must be getting old. ;D

I'm not into comedy at all and I imagine it's hard to write because people sense of humor varies so vastly. I was with you though however, all the way to you went off on a political "rant". I guess writing political humor limits you even further. Not only does your script have to be funny, but your audience have to agree with you. Unless you have some sort of counter from the other side that is equally funny.

So, started out okay, then lost focus.

Dames with Games

Oh. May Trump not sue you.

Some laughs I had.

Anti-Racism via satire - not a bad way in general.

C+

I laughed at the opening description w/ Baywatch bod. It didn't go together, if you visualize it - it comes across like porn lol.

The title is killer. I didn't understand the politicial angle, but wanted to. The writing style works for a comedy short. Too bizarre in the end, overall it had vibes of a sitcom every so often.

The HoBo,

Funny in parts but ultimately a tad disappointing. I liked how it opened and we got a sense of who these characters were. Started to go downhill when Tiffany entered and I was done when they began playing the board game. It just became less and less funny to read. If you could keep up the vibe of the first couple of pages while advancing with the story, it could work.

Good luck.

Glenn.

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