Double Word Score by Henry Christner - Short - A night with grandparents shows two middle-school girls that not everything plays out according to Hoyle. - pdf, format 8)

Funny little story where the girls get way more than they bargained for.  Felt like it was going to take a sinister turn at the end, but it took a decidedly different direction.  Probably could have trimmed this by a couple pages, but not a bad entry.

Good writing, really got the sense of the generation divide in this one.

The awkwardness of the last scrabble move was portrayed well. I also thought this was heading towards a more darker place, which gave a real uncomfortable sense to me as a reader. I think would give the same unease to viewers if it were filmed.

But ends humorously... Just imagine how the girls are going to post this emotional trauma on FB.

Really enjoyed this one.

Valerie's physical description should come earlier.

On page 3, make sure to write Granddaddy in all caps when you first introduce him.

I feel like Val would likely say something, like "Caye!" when she asks if her boyfriend can come over, because she knows that's not a good idea. She later gives Caye a look when she objects to putting her phone away, so it makes sense for her character.

I like the awkward situation you put the family in with the word "panties".

I loved Caye's line about how she and her boyfriend have been going out for three weeks almost. It's so middle school, it's great. I bet they'll break up over text.

You got an audible "Oh, God" from me at the word "semen".

I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. Would grandparents really do that with their granddaughter and her friend over?

Hi Writer,

*SPOILER*

An underage Femme Fatale stops by her friends grandparents and goes to work on ol' grandpa (psychologically) to the point where he has to take granny upstairs for a quickie... Lol.

It was a slow burner but, definitely an ambitious attempt to put people at (un)ease for entertainment purposes.

Interesting use of the theme with good story telling and, just the right amount of clever innuendos. Made it awkward enough to get a kick out of it.

Hmm, not sure with all that set up and build up that (onscreen) the climax to the plot would be completely satisfying. Sorry, couldn't resist.  ;D  One of the girls flirting with Granddaddy was a put off putting too. It's not bad, just not my thing I suppose.

Writer,

Was kinda wondering where all this was going. Something seemed a little off about the pacing. I feel you could trim a little here or there to speed this up. But it was a smooth read, held my interest as I was curious what Caye was gonna spell next. And an original ending that was a surprise as well.

Good job.

Steve

This was okay. The ending felt a bit flat, as I was expecting something to happen with Caye's boyfriend. If you allude to things in the script the audience is generally going to expect a payoff, so the stuff with him liking another's girl profile really seems irrelevant to the story.

It seemed like the girl's actions might've been better suited to girls a couple years older, as a 12-year old flirting with the old man seemed a bit off. I couldn't really believe that he didn't know what semen meant, either.

Decent effort overall, and the writing was quite strong.

Quite a vocabulary from a 12 year old :D

The grandparents run off to have sex instead of getting ice cream while their Grand Daughter is in the house waiting? Did they get turned on by use of sexual innuendos through scrabble words?

The writing itself was clean, the story not so much.

This was well written and the generation gap was well drawn too... nice use of Scrabble as well

BUT, the ending felt kinda flat and sleazy at the same time, which must be an achievement in its own right.

Decent effort

I thought it was pretty good.

I loved the ending.  I didn't see that one coming, or is it, ah never mind... I almost went there

I thought it was cute with an inspiration to that movie that won the oscar for pedophilia (where the old man fantasizes about the hot chick that is his daughter's best friend...

It was creepy and grammy knew that with granddaddy's potency issues that any...

damn it almost did it again

It was a good fun read...

8/10

The writing was fine, but the ending kind of ruined it for me. Was the 74 year old Granddaddy supposed to get turned on by the 12 year old? And, was Gramma supposed to be happy/turned on by Granddaddy having been turned on by the 12 year old? Left a bad taste in my mouth.

Can 12 year olds get tattoos at legal tattoo businesses?

Neapolitan not Neo...

Good job. Just wasn't for me.

Quoted from DanC It was creepy and grammy knew that with granddaddy's potency issues that any...

Haha! Dan. That didn’t even occur to me till I read your comment. Ol’ gramps was probably impotent all these years and the Femme Fatale was like a shot of Viagra, so of course Granny doesn’t give a hoot how he got it up... she’s just gonna ride it out, so to speak. So wrong on so many levels but, funny as sh!t now, lol.

Some notes.

This one starts where it doesn’t need to start.  Why not put the girls with the grandparents?  

Can you think of a better name than granddaddy?  Most grandchildren I know go with short names for Nana and Pops.  Make it sound as if these people are close to each other.

I like that you make one virtuous and the other a tart.  Works for me.  You can push the envelope here since that’s what this one is all about.  

Now, I would enjoy this more if gramps took to the tart.  Send Nana and Val out for something so gramps can get her alone?  Hmmm…well, this isn’t that kind of story.

Not bad.

Best
Richard

Caye makes me think of Lolita, who was 12, I think.

But Caye's "flirting" with Granddaddy seems mostly unconscious here, the kind of thing young girls try out developmentally without knowing it.

The words she puts down -- hard, panties, wet, semen -- are another story. She might be choosing the words she had wanted to use in her texts to the boyfriend but couldn't because Grammy shut her down. Maybe she  figured the old folks would not recognize what she was doing. More likely, she didn't care.

Having taught middle school for a dozen years, I can say this tale definitely rings true.

P.S. To the writer, Babs Crel. Nice anagram there.

Double Word Score

Seems well-written, but it's so American that at times I felt I was reading a foreign language.

Things like:

"She pats the blonde streaks in her poofy page-boy."

I had to reread and didn't ever fully understand. I presume a page boy is a type of haircut, but the image means nothing to me.

By page 4 I'm bored tbh. I don't know what the story is about and with all the cultural references that I don't understand..the latest being "parcheesi" my inclination to continue is rapidly diminishing.

By page 8, I was out. Just not enough happening for me to maintain interest.

I scanned to the end, and I like that part. The rest wasn't for me.

Wow - an interesting dilemma for me, here.  I LOVED the dialogue in this one.  It's cute, it's smart  - the characters are immediately fun.  The ending?  A bit confusing to me and unsatisfactory for the buildup.  If it WASN'T for the ending, it'd definitely be in my top five-ish (or so).  Here's a few notes - but it still had several LOL moments.  Nice work!

Double Word Score

p. 1: The décor of transition.  Great line!
P 3: It’s so special to have you here, Sweetie. And your friend.  Honestly, this is an admirable touch of subtle exposition.  Kudos.
p. 3: CAP Granddaddy
p 4: Turn right around and put on a shirt.  Fun line!
p. 4: Hi. I like your beater. Also good dialogue.
p. 4: Rolls her eyes (PERIOD)
p. 4: Cool tat. I got one, too.  The great dialogue lines are really flowing here!
P 5: Turn down the thermostat.  I’m loving the banter…
P 6: Giving you geniuses a head start – also good!
p. 7: Pant suit.  Giggle.
P 8: The new leader (PERIOD)
The ending.  Okay… the grandparents are getting it on.  I’m not getting how that’s a good ending – and why?  I really love how this story flowed…but it’s got to reach an interesting, organic conclusion.  Revamp that, and I think you’ve got a very cute little ditty on your hands!

Double word score

By scrabble....scrabbled etc

Let's see, oh the grandparents aren't swingers are they?? Ewe...

Would you believe it...

As the girls would say, OMG,  I wasn't miles off, ok a tad, but still not a bad guess.

Ok. Story is only so deep, boyfriend on the phone, girls and grandparents  etc but the more experienced girl and the grandparents playing a game does provide some tension.

A few lose ends, and perhaps could have been tigher...ahem...but actually an enjoyable read.

I suppose the question is, can this be made to have depth, a script with impact.? I'll leave that with you

Code Caye places a P on the A-N-T. GRANDDADDY Gotta challenge you there, little lady. Needs an S at the end.

Pant is a perfectly acceptable word. My dog does it all the time.


WTF? Is that it? Two old people that shouldn't be banging, start banging. Very strange. Plus all the shit with the two young girls. 11 and 12 year olds are children. I found the whole story very, very weird.

Certainly not one for me.

Double Word Score

Don't know what to make of this. Reads like another script almost like reality tv. The words were all well thought out and made the twist but it was very very slow for my taste.

C-

Um... okay. THAT was different. It was some interesting back and forth between the granddaughter and grandfather, but I don't know.  I felt a bit turned off by the over-sexualization of the granddaughter who is only, what, 12? Talking about tattoos and semen and having a boy over.  And then for the ending to veer that way, it just seemed a bit much. The writing is fine and the dialogue okay, just a bit over the top for me here.

My scores (out of 5)
Concept: 3.5
Story: 3.0
Character: 3.5
Dialogue: 4.0
Writing: 4.0
Overall: 3.6

Good luck!
Gary

Another scrabble script. Ugh. ;)

This took a while to get going for me but I liked the way it ended. It was weird a little bit, but cute at the end.

The dialogue was good.

I think you could've started at them being dropped at the grandparents house.

Over all....good job.

Granny having a page boy hairdo would look a bit odd. So is the thought of her and Pop the Sailor bumping giblets at the end!

Interesting little tale. Well written and pretty much thought right through and therefore unrushed. The writer knew exactly what they wanted and achieved.  Good effort!

After giving this time to digest, I'm liking this story more.  I enjoyed the little Lolita with an edge; made this story perk up like a Viagra hit. The Scrabble game was a hoot. All of those sexual words that Caye 'innocently' drops on the board.
I love that line on page 3, when Grammy calls out, "Granddaddy, are you coming?"
Nice!
"We've been going out for three weeks almost." A priceless line by Caye regarding her intimate relations with some boy.
The interaction between Caye and Granddaddy is pretty good, too. Tat for tat? Yeah, it's like comparing bullet wounds.

IMO, this script would be fun to see produced. A good director, some quality elderly actors and I can see how they get from the board game to the bedroom. Imagine the eyes, the expressions, the subtle little ways that Grams and Gramps respond to each other without saying a word.

The writer leaves a lot of latitude for the actors to act. Touche, tally ho and off to bed I go!