Pop Goes The Weasel by Jack Frost - Short, Supernatural Horror - After being chased into an abandoned house, a woman has to play an unusual game of checkers in order to hide. - pdf, format 8)

I found this somewhat confusing, and ultimately, unsatisfying. Alice was a ghost? Shannon somehow turned into a doll? Brandy was turning people into ghosts for Alice to play with? But at the same time talked about smashing the dolls? I don't really know what to make of all this.

Nice attempt I guess, others may find it easier to grasp than I did.

You also don't signify the script is finished and there's an extra blank page at the end. Easy fixes like this should be taken care of.

Intrigued by the logline.

A mistake right out of the gate: :'She hears a bump in the room off to his right'?

Some nice creepy imagery with some familiar horror tropes, the jesters, jack in a box etc. but overall  it just didn't gel for me.

A few thoughts, some will be relevant... well hopefully

Was the lead character male originally? There seems to be a 'his' when it should be 'her'. A few other typos but hey we all wrote in a rush ;-)

Don;t really think the game is central to the story here but there is one at least.

Ending confused me, somehow she gets turned into a doll and Alice was dead all along???

Anyway this didn't work for me BUT I did think there was some good imagery and a polish or three and this could work.

Writer,

Decent effort, but this falls short. I think I get what you're going for, but it just seems like a tremendous amount of build up for the payoff. I didn't really get to know any of your characters, so basically I couldn't connect with any of them or their motives, and why they were doing what they were doing.

Again, decent effort.

Steve

Well-put-together but kind of loses steam on the way to a somewhat seen-it-before conclusion.

I liked the use of Pop Goes the Weasel as a spooky device -- which got me thinking.

Besides being a nursery rhyme and song, Pop Goes the Weasel is also an old children's game. It would be interesting to see this incorporated in the story (instead of checkers). The song has several enigmatic verses, some with variations. Perhaps Shannon's fate could be played out based on the content of the verses.

This one felt rushed to me, but so was mine and people are complaining about it too. Numerous typos. Some have been mentioned prior, but you also called Brandy Brenda at one time. This is one reason it felt rushed to me. You didn't really know your characters fully.

I don't get why the house is described as abandoned when it's furnished inside. Maybe just call it run down or derelict or something.

Shannon says Brandy ran her off the road and then chased her into the house. To me, it seemed like Brandy and Alice were already in the house.

Some creepy imagery and sounds, but could use a good rewrite to make the story more clear and powerful.  :)

Completely unsure what I just read there.  It does feel like this was finished quickly with no time left to proofread. The story left me a little underwhelmed and a little confused as to what was going on.  Also, is Brandy real? I can't be sure after reading this.  And if Shannon knew it was Brandy that ran her off the road and she ran into her house, why did she stay there?  Was she locked in and unable to escape?  I think you could ultimately make this story a decent read with a bit of tightening and providing a little more clarity around the characters.

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 3
Story: 3
Character: 3
Dialogue: 3.5
Writing: 3.5
Overall: 3.33

Good luck!
Gary

There's a few spelling mistakes

You call Brandy, 'Brenda' on page 10

Wasn't Brandy inside the house? if so how did she run Shannon off the road?

It was  little creepy and well set up, the tension was pretty high towards the end.

Overall it was nice  read

good job

Very effective and vivid descriptions - really sets the tone.

The dialogue between Shannon and Alice got tedious at times (I think she asked her what her name was twice) - could be cut in half.

The pop back and forth between the checkers, the pop goes the weasel and the chase by Brenda got a bit confusing/chaotic. Maybe one of these devices could go.

There's talent here for sure - I just think there are some fundamental execution issues.

Sorry, this didn't work for me.

I got lost a few times.  I didn't get the premise or why all of this happened...


Sorry

5/10

Pop etc

Logline - curious how you are going to pull this one off, let's see...

Ok, one of those very rushed jobs. His/her, brandy/Brenda etc but who cares, we get the picture

Story wise, it does fall short, but at the same time, does have something about it.

Brandy does seem to be a long time outside the door saying she's coming in.

But it starts with energy and conflict, being chased, then lured into the chasers home (why she can then let herself in if she has planned his) and then a bizarre challenge to play a game. I think it needs to be clearer as to why in hells name you would do this if a crow bar wielding killer is on your tail. But if you can pull this off, it has an interesting mix of tension, weirdness etc that is engaging.

Rough diamond.

Hi writer,

My first impression is you’re recently new to screenwriting? If not, my apologies… and a stern backhand! Lol, meaning you forgot to proof this puppy before submitting. It’s all good, don’t mind me.

The good news is you’ve already found a voice and, I like it. I love the entire folklore of dark wonderlands filled with strange, surreal characters. In fact, most of what I write is strictly to incorporate a dream sequence or a new character I’ve dredged up from the depths of the rabbit hole. Story wise, you might say they’re ‘Coherently Challenged’ to be politically correct.

Enough about that and on with your story. It seemed to end on a stutter. Was Shannon changed into a Porcelain Jester because she lost the game of Checkers against the other dolls? Cool.

Other than what I think happened, you lost me kid/sir/madam but, I truly felt at home in this surreal carnival ride you created. Keep at it.

Some notes.

A strange tale.  I like the setup.  She gets chased inside and meets the ghost girl.  Great.  The playing jesters are a nice touch.  

I think this one goes on too long.  Brandy keeps threatening when she should be breaking in.  Giving her the same dialogue over and over doesn’t help.  Lose about 3 pages and you’ll have a tighter piece.  Still, an eerie story.  If you had made the jesters dressed in ordinary clothes…well, that would be hint and a good setup.

Best
Richard

I couldn't piece together what actually happened here.  There was some sort of connection between the game of checkers and the bloody tissues?  Alice was the ghost sister of Brandy?  There was a swirl of ideas, but they didn't coalesce into a coherent story.  Some vivid imagery, but a couple more passes should clarify the concept.

The scenario has potential and the atmosphere was intriguing, but the story felt haphazard.

Pretty obviously a rushed job. It has all the makings of a decent script, I just think the writer was hurrying to beat the deadline and lost a bit of control.

A rewrite would make it more uniform and coherent

Code EXT. ABANDONED VICTORIAN HOUSE - NIGHT Frantic, SHANNON (early 30s) sprints towards the front. She knocks. Looks back. Knocks again. The iron door stutters open. INT. ABANDONED VICTORIAN HOUSE -LIVING ROOM - SAME And shuts it behind her.

I had to read the above several times to get it. Towards the front of the house? She knocks the front door? Which is now an iron front door. The images aren't coming through properly for me. You need to describe what I should be seeing when I should be seeing it. I don't know it's a door until the final sentence. I still don't know if she knocked the door, or if the door merely opened as a response to her knocking the front of the house.

The line of action that follows inside the house doesn't go with the previous line from outside the house. The door opens itself and then 'and' shuts it behind her.

If you're trying something here, it isn't working.

Code Out of breath, she peers through the glass of the iron door. Backs away from it.

Now there's glass in the iron door. WTF? When you write something like 'iron door' this immediately conjures an image of a large, heavy door. I did not picture glass in it at all.

If this keeps up I'm not going to be able to read it. It's your job to convey what I should be seeing. I shouldn't have to wait until the 3rd action block to get the complete description of a door.

Code She hears a bump in a room off to his right.

Is it a male or a female?

Code SHANNON Sorry about breaking in. I’m not going to hurt you. I just need to use the phone. Someone’s after me.

Yeah, that's me done.

Hmmmm.  I like this one in many ways.  A bit rushed in execution, so typos need to be cleaned up.  But - the visuals are effectively scary, and this could work on screen.

My overall thoughts: I like the banter and the situation... though I'd argue that you could tighten up the pace by a few pages, and not lose anything.  Also, shouldn't Shannon be freaking out far more when the Jesters clearly come to life?  And begging fervently for Alice to open that damned door?

The end itself - kind of weird.  I know where you were going with that... but maybe throw in a touch of foreshadowing about what Alice is, and the past "lives" of those jesters to justify it?

To sum up - I DO think this is a submission that has promise and can be polished into something  creepy.  So go for it! IMHO...

Here are a few generic notes: hope they help!  

P 1: and shuts behind her (delete it)
P 1: off to HER – delete extra space – right
P 1: ew – a jack in the box and a clown?  Already creepy! And jester dolls, in rocking chairs too?  Yuck!
P 1: have issues, get tissues – do you make that one up?  It’s positively evil and inspired.
P 3: scared me (comma) little girl
p. 5: that is so gross – nice line!
P 5: no YOU have to play checkers
P 6: NOW sitting straight
P 7: Shannon (comma) scared more of the dolls than the threat in the hallway (comma)
P 11: extra page

Pop goes the Weasel

Umm. I take this as an open ender without a true aim at understanding. More like a feverish dream. If there's any logic how Brandy can turn people into dolls, I didn't get it, nor where ghost Alice comes from and what's her connection to sister Brandy exactly.

I also was confused how long Brandy was outside, screaming she'd come in but then nothing happened.

The POV from Shanon while she became a doll - was an awesome image. Kudos. I also liked Alice.

There's some potential; but as it is - No title page, overall execution – that's not an impressing condition in my eyes.

D+

Out of all the entries, this one strikes me as the most cinematic. I'm a fan of the writing, a few rushed errors and inconsistencies, but well scribed nonetheless.

This tale doesn't quite fit the level of visual standards the author demands in their writing. It's not bad, but the dialogue and pace could use polish. Tone was great though, and the way the story starts already gives that dreamlike sensation I think the writer went for, and it works well.

Good job, although I'm not entirely convinced I understood it. (Maybe I'm not supposed to)

Thanks to everyone who read this.
Had the title page stuck (it didn't print in the PDF, but hey, worst things have happened. remember the time where it was just the title page? Shark week, no less.) my alias would have been Paul laGrasse, an HP Lovecraft reference as the original intent was to have the game be based on RPG that involved Lovercraft mythology. The idea was sound, but it was too complex for a short time in a 10-15 page count. So I switched gears on that Monday. The original protag was also a guy, and in writing it visually I thought it would play better if it was a woman instead. So I missed a he for a she.

When my sub was put up I almost missed it. "Jack Frost?' huh? Then people commented, and up until someone mentioned it, I didn't know the title page got zapped. Actually, since I'll revise the script, it isn't that bad as it looks.

I didn't know what to call the short./ Pop Goes The Wesel was the first thing thaty came to mind because of the jack-in-the-box gag in the script. I had forgotten Pop was also a game itself. Maybe I should have had something like musical chairs, or something...anyway, in the revision, I'm calling the script Aliice's Jesters.

On the plus side, though, while my vision is still off, it is improving and 'puter wise, I'm back in business. Now I just need to stop procrastinating and finish up Feed.


Now for some answers.

Quoted from Trojan You also don't signify the script is finished and there's an extra blank page at the end. Easy fixes like this should be taken care of.

An easy fix, yes. But one extra blank page at script's end hurts no one.

Quoted from Dustin Iron door

It's actually a line I rewrote. The original passage had the protag come up to 'an iron front door with a glass window.' when she came to the front of the house. But I reread that description a few times and even though I looked up a picture of such a door, the sentence was awkward and didn't read right to me. So I nixed it and only mentioned it when we get ta better, closer look. Anyway, here's kind of what it would look like:



While I didn't need to describe the door itself, visually I would have to, for once inside, light has to be seen through the glass.


However, such a door still has a downside, as does the room where most of the action takes place, and my peers are correct. The house doesn't feel abandoned. Derlict, maybe, but not abandoned. I agree- poor choce of words. Expect that correction in the near future.

Quoted from wonkavite "Inspired"

"Have issues, got tissues" this was a self-made inside joke with me. At the time I was writing the short, the air in the house was so dry that if I didn't run the humidifier, my nose would be making donations to the Red Cross.

Call it writer's inspiration.
-DjS