The Stalking Light by Gary Kohatsu - Short, Thriller - As a blinding light streaks toward an abandoned bar, four friends and a mysterious stranger engage in a game of Truth or Dare to learn who will survive the night. - pdf, format 8)

Are the "two women and a man" at the start the ones that are later mentioned? If so, cut this line of action, along with the following one.

Wade's dialogue should not be marked as off screen when he is not off screen. He is definitely not off screen on his line "There's that light again" on page 1, and it seems odd for him to be off screen with his next line of dialogue.

It seems odd that Sean thinks he has to use a game of truth or dare to find out if Beth and Marcel slept together when she gives the honest answer so quickly. Someone who would be that honest that quickly would likely tell him without a game of truth or dare. Also, it seems odd that Sean forgives so quickly despite rushing to this game of truth or dare.

On page 5, Dee says that she and Beth are best friends, but on page 6 she seems to resent Beth.

It doesn't seem like it makes much sense for the three to go around in a circle and ask truth or dare, then Sean goes to Marcel.

The ending was very confusing. That may be because it's 1am, but I was just very lost.

Like everything's a bloody tampon? Huh? Not a great analogy/line even for a character imh.

A little bit of tears flow.
Not worded well at all.

All the petty stuff up front, with the infidelity and the stealing, and now all of sudden one character pulls a gun on a stranger who turns out not to be a stranger (well not completely).

The thing is I feel you had a plot/story, changed your idea, changed it again, then decided to blend all your story ideas into one. It's confusing with no real cohesive plot to speak of here. Not sure of the tone you're going for either i.e., genre but I did find it humorous when the gun was pointed at Wade: 'Did I say something wrong?'

I think most of the confusion was because you were a little confused yourself which actual story you wanted to tell - the drunk on the road with the consequences, or the 'relationship story between them all' story all of told with a bit of Truth Or Dare thrown into the mix.

Sorry I can't be a little more positive. Best advice I can give with the OWC and shorts in general is to keep it simple - perhaps with a twist at the end, if you can.

Writer,

Well written and all, but in the end I just really couldn't figure out what this was all about. The friends, the bar, and the set up as well. I tried, I wanted to. Probably a little fleshing out is what it needs. However, it just seemed a bit muddled, losing me in the process.

Decent effort, though.

Steve

Second truth or dare script. I chose this one because it had the fewest reads.

Wade sits facing the window you tell us, but why is his dialogue O.S then?

Not bad, but I think you need to make things more clear. It's fine to be mysterious and intriguing when telling a story. Makes the readers/audience have to think, but it's a fine line between that and confusing. I think I know what you were trying to pull off here, but in the end, I was left confused.

I also didn't get the set-up withSean asking the others about truth. All that did was make me not like anyone of them as they all came across ass unpleasant. When it's revealed that they died in a car crash, I couldn't care less that they had died. I didn't like any of them.

Not bad, but you need to decide if this is about the friends having to fess up about their sins or if it is about Wade's drinking and driving that killed them.

A few thoughts and an opinion or two, too

Wade shouldn't be OS once they see him, did you mean VO or is he speaking in the scene?

I like parts of this a lot the premise is good and the character interplay decent too...

SPOILERS

But I thought the reveal, they were dead. is a little hollow and been done so many times. Guess I wanted a twist with some more originality and depth.

So well written but could be improved.

IMO - very well written. Vivid, descriptive and I thought the tension built quite nicely.

There were a few lines of dialogue that felt a bit too OTN and a couple of places where it was strained (e.g., there is no need to stress the $3K bracelet - an expensive bracelet is enough.

I really enjoyed the writer's style here - talent.

Not bad, just wondering why so much was time was spent on the 'friends' and I use friends loosely because they seem to screw each other over and little about Wade.

Maybe Wade could have been the 5th friend... designated driver but instead was doing drugs on the side.

The writing was pretty good.

Writing very stop/start. Overkill in some places.

So Wade is actually seeing an avenging ghost, a ghost holding a real gun that Wade can kill himself with?

I don't really understand this one.

An interesting read, it had potential as the tension was building up. Good dialogue and just enough action sequences to keep it boiling nicely.

Like others it just got too confusing for me as it progressed.

Oh yay another truth of dare script. :)

When you throw a lot of characters at a reader like you do in this, you best make them very different and with short descriptions. Way too much work will make a reader want to put a script down.

Just my opinion but I say you need to get to the game sooner. Maybe cut some dialogue, throw some foreshadow in there of a problem or conflict...you do have the conflict between Beth and Sean going on page 2-3.

And so the game is used to bring forth information.

Hmm then goes into the missing bracelet. I'm getting lost. This thing is starting to come off the rails for me.

I think you need to pick one of these stories and tell it. It's too complicated IMO.

I think it's definitely worth reworking though...good job. Great effort.

The Stalking Light


Title: Not bad. Evocative at the very least.

Premise:  Convoluted. Two story-lines. One about a revenge/justice mission against Wade, the other about Truth or Dare with his friends. The two don't fully mesh.


Script: Opening phrase throws me already. Rain doesn't chatter. Pre-pros do this a lot...hunt for a word that sounds good and just randomly throw it in to try to make their phrases more interesting.

If you're going to have the rain chattering, you need to tell us more about the way in which it's chattering...like the rain beats down and is taking on a curious noise, almost like a chattering voice.

Unless you present it properly, it becomes meaningless.

Also...what is the rain falling onto? Whatever it's hitting is a different noise. Corrugated iron, the floor, wooden steps...all set a different scene. Obviously I can interpret it all later based on the action, but I don't want to have to backtrack to understand it.

I have absolutely no sense of the geography of the room...who, what and wherever anyone is.

This is screaming amateur at this point. Not to be nasty, just saying.

Wade being off screen the whole time is unintentionally comic. Why aren't you just showing him?

The way they just ignore him is funny.


The character reactions feel stilted. The way they all ignore Wade. Or, for instance, the way Beth turns from happiness at seeing Sean, to anger. It felt too sudden on the page. I get where you're going with it, but it needs to be a bit more organic.


Page 5 picks up considerably. Seems like you got your groove on at this point. A bit more mystery up front, and a better setting up of tension, and this would be a massively better script.


Truth or dare, whilst commonly used in films, always seems to have a natural tension. I suppose the game does in real life, as well.

The character reactions during the part with Dee and Beth felt off, again.

You either tear someone a new asshole, or stick something where the sun doesn't shine...you already a have a hole there. Your threat makes little sense.


Overall, slightly odd story but there's potential here. The way you've told it is that they're in some kind of limbo but it makes no sense to me.

Why is it Sean who has the knowledge when he's the one that's most recently dead? He was depressed, suicidal...he wasn't mastering the occult or developing spiritual abilities.

If he died later than the others, surely they would know where they are better than he? And if they were dead, how did he call them to a bar without them knowing they were dead?

What's given Sean this amazing power over life and death?

Alternatively, if he's really a metaphor for Death Himself, or some kind of supernatural arbiter figure weighing up souls, why is he still assuming the mantle of Sean?

And if he wants Wade to kill himself, and all the friends are dead, why are they all here in Wade's reality? And if they're all already dead, including Wade, what difference does it make if Wade shoots himself?

Maybe Wade should be the one entering the bar, and the friends are already there. It's ultimately Wade that the story is about. His guilt. Not Sean, and not anyone else who has been given more screen time.

So....All a bit random in my opinion. Perhaps the main problem is the premise:

Two story-lines. One about a revenge/justice mission against Wade, the other about Truth or Dare with Sean's friends. The two don't fully mesh.

There's the vague hint of a theme about Justice underpinning it, but I'm still unsure why Sean is the arbiter of the after-world.

I quite enjoyed it,, but it's got quite a long way to go to get it truly functional. Probably just a case of it being too big a story for the time you had.

Peace.

Sorry, this didn't work for me either...

I was a bit lost in the story.  I didn't get the whole truth or dare reasoning since they all were

SPOILERS
dead, right?  SO, what was the point?

The old guy hit them and killed them...

I'm still lost...

4.5/10

Not sure what point the game made due to the end of story reveal...

Yeah, this is kinda confusing in the end.

My take was that Wade's guilt was causing him to hallucinate all of this and none of the characters were there at all. If that's the case, why all the focus on the game of truth or dare?

The other scenario is that they're ghosts, but if Sean knows they are all dead why is he so insistent on playing the game. It just seems odd, either way.

I think this is one where the writer needed more time to flush the story out more clearly.

I read this as Survivor Guilt on Sean's part. He's the only one not killed in the wreck. He is haunted by this fact (and, by extension, his dead friends).

To alleviate this guilty feeling, he initiates a game designed to expose things the friends are guilty of, too.  He includes the other driver, who at first functions in the script as a soothsayer of sorts but ends up succumbing to his own guilt.

How Sean can summon up the ghosts, etc., is kind of beside the point in a tale like this.

Thumbs up.

Some notes.

I liked this one.  Enough mystery to keep the reader engaged.  A nice little twist and veer during the game.  It’s not about them, it’s about wade.  Well done.


Best
Richard

The stalking light

Interesting title.

Logline - seems full on, I will be interested to see how you pulls this off...

Second wade isn't OS

Ok, a truth and dare game for those who have died...I think. Wade having killed them in a car crash, except Sean, who survived, but has managed to get the crew together, despite theyre dead.

To me the theme here, is that of seeking a truth in both life and death. That clearing the air, not matter how painful, is cathartic .

The bright light coming towards us did feel like impending death, so no great surprise there.

I think this has potential. I would bring the gun out sooner. It could be that the friends think the game is his sick joke and he seeks revenge, but as the awkward truth spills out a fuller understanding of life is known, accepted. And perhaps in that moment we find Sean in a room playing with a ouija board or the like, with the gun in hand. Does he kill himself or not? Perhaps the mantra could be that life is hard, but if you know the truth you can start to heal etc

All the best

Quoted from DustinBowcot Writing very stop/start. Overkill in some places. So Wade is actually seeing an avenging ghost, a ghost holding a real gun that Wade can kill himself with? I don't really understand this one.

No, I think Sean was alive but he somehow had the power to call in his dead friends and confront Wade?

I liked this. Was very reminiscent of a Stephen King type short. It was overwritten a tad but generally good.

I've only read a few so far but this is my fave. Except for my own lol!

Well, I think this one has major promise.  But, IMO, you need to put a lot more foreshadowing and characterization into this.  It's a great idea.  And your dialog/banter is very breezy, too.

But to pull off that twist - I strongly feel that you need to establish what a drunken and guilty mess Wade is, more to the extent that you currently do.  And focus a little less on the friends screwing each other over... vs. maybe things they regret (which you find out later are regrets of a wasted life, considering what actually happened to them).  IE: less recriminations, pointing them out to be "bad people" in and of themselves - and more disappointments (and Easter Eggs hints) of lives not fully lived, then lost.  If you do that, this could be quite effective... :)  As is, it's a veering right turn out of no-where, which takes away from what I'm sure it could ultimately be.

A few quick notes below (mostly lines that I thought were particularly nice.)  :)

P 2: Well, the rain man cometh.  Cute!
P 2: heartbells - also cute!
p. 7: sure as rain it's the Apocalypse - good line
p 8: What the heck?  Why did Sean just go psycho?

The Stalking Light

Good short thriller here. Characters, tension building, descriptions, the whole picture has turned out well.

If I get it right, and Sean is a ghost as well, as the others after the crash became, then you could create a nice Fight Club moment, of Wade, not only taking the gun, rather holding it himself all the time. Perhaps.

The middle part could be shorter/different. All the distraction is good of course but it's not touchable in any context with regards to the reveal. What was the cheating stuff f.i. about and in which world/context we didn't see did this happen, and for what exactly in case of this story?

Otherwise pretty good.

B