RS by Vladimir Jovanovs - Short, Horror - A distressed psychiatrist calls her husband after a session gone bad. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Enjoyed this, well written and well paced... but did sort of lose me towards the end, wasn't sure who was dead when and who was calling Thomas... might just be me!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Enjoyed this, well written and well paced... but did sort of lose me towards the end, wasn't sure who was dead when and who was calling Thomas... might just be me!

Hey, Anthony. This one's mine.

I wrote it real fast. I did it on a request by a director. He wanted 7 pages, big twist, one location, fewer actors the better, horror.

So this was the first thing to pop into mind. I wasn't happy with it. He said it was "too dark" and didn't use it.

SPOILERS





Basically my idea was, that doctor rambles something in a state of delirium as she's dying (you, me, call Thomas) and because the kid is under hypnosis he thinks it's instructions for him to be her and call Thomas :) So that's what he does. So, it's the kid all along but he thinks he's the doctor. But it's actually him that killed her. She's dead and he's on the phone.


END SPOILERS.

I did wonder after our conversation about therapy scripts... your nom de plume threw me ;-)

I didn't think it was too dark, I liked the dark! and kinda got where the end was going, just think it needs a tweak to two to make it a bit clearer.

Filmable though and still lots of interest in vampirism too... good job!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I did wonder after our conversation about therapy scripts... your nom de plume threw me ;-)

It's not a nom de plume :). English is not my first language. It's just something I picked up while watching a lot of movies.

Your Engkish is better than half the native speakers! Double tip job!

Vladimir,

Some notes.

I liked this one, and I think it can work.  The problem for comes when James knows so much about the doc.  Wouldn't it be very difficult to carry on a conversation with Thomas?  And becoming the doc would have to be signaled through some missteps with Thomas.  Give us a chance to wonder what the hell is going on.  Why doesn't she know about the stuff Thomas knows about?  At the end we can put it together.

A well done little piece.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from RichardR I liked this one, and I think it can work.  The problem for comes when James knows so much about the doc.  Wouldn't it be very difficult to carry on a conversation with Thomas?  And becoming the doc would have to be signaled through some missteps with Thomas.  Give us a chance to wonder what the hell is going on.  Why doesn't she know about the stuff Thomas knows about?  At the end we can put it together.

Thanks for reading Richard.

In the beginning I did add the man on the phone getting cut off as he was about to ask a question. The kid doesn't say anything personal about the doctor, only what happened in the room, things he would know because they happened to him. When sees himself in the mirror, he snaps out of the trance.

Incredible writing, Vladimir. It was a very enjoyable read.


Kind regards,
Elizabeth

Vladimir,

Jumping timeline and character misdirection makes it tricky to keep up with at times -- but I suspect that's more of an ‘on paper’ than ‘on screen’ problem.

I like what you have to work with: a young boy who may or may not be a vampire -- nicely framed by Renfield Syndrome.  Desperate parents hoping for a cure (a nice hint that it could be ‘hereditary’).  An initially skeptical psychiatrist forced to confront their patient when her very non-scientific curiosity triggers his bloodlust.

I think certain decisions reflect the speed at which you said this was written.  The character misdirection feels too forced -- too convenient.  I’m not convinced of the logic behind it other than the need to provide that twist.

The ‘call Thomas’ device provides a means of getting your story across but leaves you with a ‘character’ entirely passive to events.  Is there a better means to relate the story?  What about re-framing from another perspective?  Could James be recounting parts of his previous therapy to a ‘new’ psychiatrist?  Could be this has happened before...

I think you’ve got a sound idea -- decent as it is if you don’t dig too deep.  It could be one worth revisiting to make it a whole lot stronger.

All the best,

Steve.