Reunion by Vladimir Jovanovs - Short, Comedy - A man goes to meet the person he's been stalking for months. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Haha, you weren't wrong about how you like to write dialogue, Vladimir!

Once again I'll leave the structure and format feedback for others.

Beware.... Spoilers Approaching:

There was some quite clever humour in this script which I appreciated. The one thing about lots of dialogue is that you have a platform to showcase a character's personality and wit. I liked Zach and the way he unraveled all the knowns and unknowns with his doppelganger. It was witty and it appealed to me.

I just think it would be difficult to watch someone chew through all those lines on film though,

Good Luck,

Cheers

Chris

Vladimir,

Some notes.

For me, the opening scene is like pulling teeth.  I want these two witty fellows to get on with it.  I keep asking what the purpose of all the chat is.  They're twins, right?  At least, they look that way.  Get on with the story.

And we go through a lot of talk and little action until the transformation.  Now, I might buy that one of these guys didn't check his calendar, but I can't believe both.  that's me.  

I was hoping this story would turn in another direction.  Transformation for transformation sake seems like a waste of time.  Shouldn't there be a reason they transform?  Shouldn't there be some resolution concerning their likeness? in all ways?  

The story ends abruptly without any real action.  And I'm not sure I buy the ending since both these guys are dressed differently and haven't shed clothes.  

I would suggest paring this way down and finding a story.  If you're going to have them transform, then use that to expand the story.  As it stands, it's a 'so what' thing.  

Best
Richard

RE: cbead - Thanks for the read. If people can sit through lengthy dialogue in stage plays I don't see why they can't do the same for films :) You have to find the right crowd.

RE: RichardR - Thanks for the read and notes.

I like to build things. It's not my thing to "cut to the chase", "get on with it". I do not like that sort of thing. Just not for me. I like things to build, the dialogue to flow. I understand many, probably most people like a more concise and action-filled approach, but that's not me.

This is also suppose to be a wacky comedy. So it's not really reality-based. The reason both these guys didn't check the calendar is because both of them are idiots. The reason both of them are idiots is because they are twins. I think it's quite easy to deduce that they are twins separated at birth (hence, both being what they are), it's implied and given how everything played out, it's the logical conclusion. Both were adopted. Just one went to the other side of the world.

The end is just a gag, to show off what an idiot one of the is. About the shedding clothes part, these two are the type that don't shed clothes :)

This short was part of six shorts I wrote in a week for a director few months back. It was my least favorite of the bunch. My second least favorite was the other one posted here called RS. Which people seem to have liked.

A lot to like with this Demento. The build up and characterisations are great, I rather liked the slow build because the dialogue for me was interesting and kept my attention.

As I read:
Presented reads as past tense, should ideally be:
'Once I present it to you...'
or:
'Once I've presented it to you...'

40 and 30 should really spelled out in dialogue.

in front of the peephole. line of sight
You don't really need both but if you really want to then I'd link both those sentences i.e.,
stands directly in front of the peephole, in his line of sight.

A few seconds go by...
I know fragments are fine in screenwriting, but I personally feel sometimes the article, in this case 'a' is needed.

Should have managed your expectations
Suggestion:
Should have lowered your expectations

It's a witty line either way.
As is the 'sweater' line - I'm really enjoying the droll humour.

'reluctant' instead of 'reserved' perhaps in terms of him letting him in?

Not sure if 'concise' is the word you're after but I can't think of an alt at the moment and I know what you mean regardless.

Perhaps 'sweat' oozing from every pore instead of water? And then you do without the repetition of pours/pores.

Why are there two hallways? Seems odd. That threw me a bit.

I think the 'no shit Sherlock' line has been done to death... I'd be interested in your own made up version considering the rest of the witty lines. You have a unique turn of phrase.

For example, this below, made me chuckle. UK/US and Aussies would probably use the word: runs or squirts for someone having trouble on the toilet - I loved your 'drizzles'!

I apologise if it got you the drizzles and has you all bulimic...'

It reminded me of the tone of Nadsat lingo in Burgess's A Clockwork Orange - Along those lines I'd like to see you do more with that in terms of Mason's dialogue, without going over the top, of course. It's witty, and unique - lines actors would love to deliver I'd imagine.

I love dialogue driven scripts and this is definitely interesting and kept me enthralled throughout, however I do have to agree with Richard, (in part), regarding the significance of their transformations. By then end I felt like something was missing, that it wasn't quite enough considering the lovely but elaborate set up.

And a teeny format question:
Okay, I'll go with no FADEs, but what's with the lack of character dialogue CONT'D?

Very enjoyable despite my quibbles.

Quoted from LC I love dialogue driven scripts and this is definitely interesting and kept me enthralled throughout, however I do have to agree with Richard, (in part), regarding the significance of their transformations. By then end I felt like something was missing, that it wasn't quite enough considering the lovely but elaborate set up. And a teeny format question: Okay, I'll go with no FADEs, but what's with the lack of character dialogue CONT'D?

Thanks for the great notes, Libby. I do agree with you and Richard that it does go a bit flat at the end. This was more of an idea than a thought-out clever plot. I didn't sit down to map it out and think it through, just sat down and wrote it.

On the format questions. I don't see much of a point to FADE IN/OUT. Don't use them on purpose. On the CONT'D. When I posted my first script here, almost two years ago, someone scolded me on the use of CONT'D and told me there was no need to use them. It's understood and it only clogs up the page. So, I took their advice to heart and never used them again.

You need the MORE/ CONT'D where same character dialogue goes over the page D,  that's the only example I'm referring to.  

I don't use them otherwise, see no need - think it looks cleaner, though some writers still choose to use them throughout.  

Def use them over the page though. :)

P.S. I think this is a great set up, like I said, and the dialogue and unique characters really drive it so I encourage you to tweak that ending. Perhaps some other reviewers might add some suggestions too.

Hi mate, would have skipped past this as I didn't recognise your name. Good to see a short from you.

It went somewhere that I didn't think it would. The start sucked me in, but I didn't like the werewolf part. I was ready for a thriller type deal, maybe one of them needed the other body as he was terminally ill.. as that's where I thought it was going when he kept hiding his stomach pangs. I also thought that there may be some type of double plot going on, where both are trying to kill the other for differing reasons.

The werewolf part is just too great a shift in tone for me. I'll take a look at your other one, as I've missed it.

Quoted from LC You need the MORE/ CONT'D where same character dialogue goes over the page D,  that's the only example I'm referring to.

Yeah, I know, but after those comments about MORE/ CONT'D almost two years ago (I think they were from Ren), I thought about it. I also read a lot of new scripts since then where people don't use them. And in this day and age where you can just scroll in half a second up the file, I really don't see much of a point to them. It's understood, IMO. Just like with FADE IN/OUT. They seem like just formalities to me.

EDIT:

After second thought. And after looking through some examples, I actually think I might start using them again. For over the page. They don't look as bad as I had thought. Cheers!

Quoted Text Hi mate, would have skipped past this as I didn't recognise your name. Good to see a short from you. It went somewhere that I didn't think it would. The start sucked me in, but I didn't like the werewolf part. I was ready for a thriller type deal, maybe one of them needed the other body as he was terminally ill.. as that's where I thought it was going when he kept hiding his stomach pangs. I also thought that there may be some type of double plot going on, where both are trying to kill the other for differing reasons. The werewolf part is just too great a shift in tone for me. I'll take a look at your other one, as I've missed it.

Thanks for the read, Dustin.

Yeah, the shift in tone is done on purpose. I do that a lot. I understand why it was too much for you, and maybe others.

And, yeah. I don't really upload many scripts here. I decided to upload 5 shorts, that I wrote back in Oct that were just holding up space on my HDD. Thought someone might like them. I just saw, FROM BEGINNING TO NOW, went up. If you want to check out any of the rest they are: The Garden (was previously uploaded here), The Door and RS.

Thanks for the read.

I agree that there is a big change in tone. But... I kind of liked it. It was interesting and it came out of left-field. I also like the build-up of the dialogue. Sharp back and forward.