Houng by Rodriguez Fruitbat - Comedy, Dark Comedy - Two years after the failed premier of his last movie, a washed up centaur finds himself working the streets of Santa Monica Blvd. A disabled ex-stunt woman could either be his path to redemption or a turn down a darker road. 94 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ok, you're a good writer Fruitbat, lol. But I can't get past the Centaur thing and his name. I get it, but I am not anchored in this half human half animal deal. You have great story beats and it could be anyone here but it's Houng, the centaur, like it's supposed to be normal, but it's not. It's a gimmick. I don't know how you get around it and what I come up with is The Mask. Not sure how that fits but it takes normal and makes it abnormal but we buy it because of the mask and the music, so on and so forth. Maybe the sick part is a woman gives birth to this creature? I don't know. I enjoy the writing and the story beats though. Maybe I'll finish it just for kicks.

I read the first ten.

Style - format - all rock solid.

I just couldn't get past the centaur thing and didn't find anything particularly funny. I do look forward to seeing more from this author - just on a different premise I guess.

Ok so I read it, man was that fast, too. Some type os to be fixed but good screenwriting and story beats. The subject matter is dicey but it's a tight story built around Houng and his features. Good humor along the way without being cheesy and a good moral to boot but I still can't get past the centaur on screen, at least I don't think so. I think you did a great job with the character and I love how you wove everything together, even the cops from the opening. I'm impressed.

I have considered making an alternate, non-centaur version. I'm just not sure if I could pull off a serious drama.

Read up to the fifteenth page. I thought it was interesting at first because our main guy is a centaur, but I just didn't get hooked by it. I feel like there should be more comedy in it. I had a few laughs. I also think you're writing is pretty good, but there is one thing I'd like to comment on.

"In the city where dreams are made, no one makes eye contact. Unless it helps their career.
To them, Houng is about as interesting as a dude in a Batman costume."

Technically this not correct. It may be done in films where the writer is given the option by some production company or something, but traditionally it's not right to write like this. Just thought I'd point that out.

Thanks for the feedback!

To be clear about your comment on that line, is it the prose that bothers you, the reference to a trademarked character, or both? I normally try to keep the descriptions as efficient and filmable as possible, but hoped it was okay to sneak a little tone in. Too much?

I wouldn't change a thing in that description for the very reason the reader didn't get hooked. Writing that way anchors (as much as you can) this oddity in normal, life in LA, Hollywood, where Batman lives so to speak. The image is people go about their lives, HOW they go about their lives, when you think they would all stop and say wtf, a horseman! But you can't have that. Without your tone, this would be flat.

Hi guys

I'm referring to the prose. The reason I mention it is because in traditional scripts things aren't written that way. Just an observation. Hope I cleared up my comment.

Yes that clears it up, and thanks for the opinion.

It's definitely worth discussion. I've seen a lot of overwritten scripts, but also a lot of well respected professional scripts, where a judicious amount of color can set the right tone and give the reader insight about characters and setting, without going into descriptive detail.

As an amateur, I'm still trying to find that line. It's great to hear different opinions.

hey Rodriguez fruit bat,

read up to the 40th page and skim read the rest. It's really dark, not really my cup of tea. I know it's suppose to be funny that he's a porn star and all that. The fact that he's a centaur.  I thought some of it was funny, but it's not my cup of tea. I'd like to point out it flowed pretty well. Little exposition here and there. Good beats.

You're writings good. I think even better than mine. Look forward to reading some of other work!

Hey Rodriguez FB,

It might be the fact that I did ancient studies at university, but I loved the centaur. I'm only up to page 41, but thus far having the randiest of ancient creatures (notoriously randy amongst the sex obsessed ancients) struggling with his sexually orientated professional slant, and really just wanting to be loved, I think it's brilliant.

Anyway, just my 2 cents, looking forward to getting through it. Also coming across a bunch of larpers and wanting to run had me going, thought that scene was properly funny. The subject matter is obviously pretty dark and isn't going to appeal to everyone, that being said I've had a grin across my face for most of the read.

Couple of typos I spotted:

P5 - you shat my cell - maybe put "in" or "over" in there
P7 - I'm dieing here - change to "dying"
P14 - I here there's - change to "hear"
P32 - I at least get an advance - Put "can" at the beginning, and question mark at end.
P34 - Let’s for a walk - missing "go"

I'd probably try a centaur-less version as it's more likely to get made, but I really do like the absolutely surreal element of this hopped up, hoofed contradiction stumbling through life.

It warms my heart to reach one other person with my weird sense of humour, and thanks for the detailed notes!

That said, it sounds like I should cut the self-doubt and write a serious version of a script for once. It might be worth a shot. Please let me know if you have anything written you'd like me to check out.

Hey Rodriguez,

Finished it off there, really liked it. I guess if you can get around the centaur then you can lose yourself in the script, and I'm glad to say I managed to. I've got a couple of comments:

I know it's a dark comedy, but I reckon you can trim down the 150 men to probably a handful, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be comedic or menacing here. If it's a handful then it probably fits better in the dark comedy bracket, with 150 it's a bit too over the top.

Maybe extend the ending slightly. Everything is really detailed in the build up, but it fades really quickly when they leave the on-ramp. Maybe some interaction in the background between the cops and Wade.

Also some other little typos:
P.64 - in a speedo - change to "man in speedos ", you might be correct in your version if it's an American thing, in Australia I'd go with my suggestion.
P.64 - I serious - change to "I'm serious"
P.65 - I’m not so sre - change to "sure"
P.67 - costumers - change to "customers"
P.67 - He love being in - change to "loves"
P.72 - every costumer he have - change to "every customer we have"
P75. - I’m just want - change to "I just want"

Anyway really enjoyed it myself, but maybe I'm just a bit odd, who knows. I'm new to all this script writing stuff so maybe take the advice of the folk above and try a cleaner copy without the centaur if you really want it to get made. If it's a pet project for odd balls like myself then stick with what you've got, cheers for keeping me entertained!

Cheers

Cam

p.s. I've only managed one script so far, but if you get a couple of hours and feel like a read here's the link - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-drama/m-1457743137/