Only Oscar Knows by Cindy L. Keller - Horror - A couple of psychos have come back to their old neighborhood to reclaim their childhood home. 98 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thank you for getting this script up so quickly, Don.

These two monsters came to me one night in a dream. I woke up in a cold sweat and unable to fall back to sleep.

Hope it will do the same for others.

Cindy

Cindy, it's gonna be a tough road for you when you have a typo in your opening Slug and then a poorly written first passage with a missing word.

Sorry, but I'm out.

Dang, I guess I should have worn glasses. It's tough trying to wote on a darned phone.

Thanks for the attempted read anyway.

Cindy

Hey, Cindy: I had a chance to get through the first 15.

I would give Mr. and Mrs, Malloys first names.

SPOILERS

I thought the scene outside the house where the cop is talking to Billy went on too long and the sit it - 60s stuff dialogue didn't quite work for me. The tone really doesn't fit. We know a murdered family is inside and the light banter between the cop and the girls tends to undermine that. I would just make it more matter of fact.

I didn't buy that a cop would allow Sarah to mill about a crime scene.

The reference to the dude being caught in the backyard smoking cigarettes - I think that would be a compelling and dark scene to write. I would write and include that one (i.e., the actual scene rather than the Cop telling about it) rather than using the space for the debate between the cops and the girls.

In terms of Bill showing up at the house - I think you could do it in a few lines and make it more compelling. e.g., he shows up at the house - crime scene tape covers the door  - her makes his way towards the door - a cop embraces him - "sorry, son I can,t let you in there - the kid screams - "that's my best friend". in other words - let is really see the agony of Billy knowing that something my be wrong with his best friend.

I do think you have writing chops. Aside from a typo here and there the format is solid and the descriptive passages vivid. Just be careful not to hijack the tone of the story and make sure each scene you write would be something that would happen (i.e, again - this is a crime scene - the cops are going to have it buttoned down).

Best of lu ck.

Hey Dave,

Thank you for the read.

Yes, I was going to make this a 60s movie and decided not to, so there is some of that lingo, but I still hear a lot of that, too.

The ambulance came that night, not the next day when Billy was talking to the police
.
Sarah never went into the neighbors.  ???

Thanks again,
Good luck to you, too.

Cindy

My bad - I got confused by the scene heading:

Quoted Text INT. MALOY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

And assumed that they were in the interior of the house - I see what you did now.

What I meant was that it was going on at the same time as what was going on outside with  the cop talking to the neighbors.

The murder scene happened  the night before while the police were on the phone . The bodies were taken from the house that night along with the naked,  chain-smoking man.  ☺

Quoted from CindyLKeller ☺

Cindy. Aren't you supposed to keep the secret magic code for the secret meetings secret?

R

Ahahaha

Where did that come from?

Hey Cindy,

How are you?  Hammerman, was that your original title?

I finished in one setting.  Used shorthand to jot down my notes as I was reading. Give me a day or two to decipher them, and I'll post my review. But let me say this, Billy gets annoyed with people still considering him a kid.

He makes reference to the fact, he's almost a teenager.  Okay, play off that.

Page 24 - Billy has the bad dream, hears Kevin's voice.  He jolts awake, eventually moves to the window and sees Hector outside.  Eventually goes and gets Sarah. I was expecting when she opens the curtain --to find Hector gone... and he was, but you managed to have the detective outside instead.  Which I thought was a nice twist.  Because I was expecting no one to be there.

Point being, get his spidey senses going.  Have you thought about giving Billy a bigger part?  I mean -- you've got everyone else sneaking into the murder house.  Julie and Ron with a Ouija board, too.  Mind you, that's still cordoned off with crime scene tape.  

Did you ever consider... Billy, I dunno... say sneak out, a lot of teenagers do, and have him snoop around inside?  I think something like that would make for a pretty good scene. JMHO.

But alas, all good things must come to an end, as do my comments...

Ghostie

Hey, Ghostie,
I'm ok.  Working too many hours though.

Hammerman was only a working title.

I think to have Billy sneak into the house would  make for a good scene, too. Thanks for the idea... Or maybe he  goes to do so, peeks into the window, and then notices the reporter out front who questions him...

Thanks for taking the time to give it a read and reply. I appreciate it.

Cindy

Hey Cindy...

...at first glance, a typical horror story. You managed to mix in a bit of comedy too, which I thought worked.  Of course, your script doesn't completely avoid horror clichés.  Not that it's a bad thing, they've worked for years.

Clearly you opted for suspense and an overall creepy atmosphere to blood and guts!  That said,  there was certainly violence, but not overly explicit or gimmicky.  But then again - extra blood and gore don't always equal a more terrifying movie.  That I know of -

I couldn't really pinpoint a main character.  If I was a betting man - I'd put my money on Billy. So I'll just focus on the main three.  BILLY, SARAH, and her love interest MICHAEL.

I think good character development is so important in order to create real horror.  I think a lot of studios just don't have that kind of patience now days.  I'm talking real characters, ones with emotion and depth.

We get to spend a lot of time getting to know these three. Clearly, Billy is tormented by KEVIN's death.  he feels guilty.  I get that.  But the incident with him and Chad in the park.  Good, but I think this could be a nice turning point for him.   You know, channeling that anger, grief, maybe he takes a more active role in trying to find out what happened... at some point.

Sarah and Billy are like-able.  But  Michael, not so much. A douche bag, a really sleazy guy. He's jealous and wants Billy out the way, too.  Unfortunately he was extremely annoying.  I hate to assume anything or try and read a writer's tea leaves, but I think it's how you wanted it.  If it is, then it worked.  I wanted to punch him.  

I was hoping you would kill him off, but you didn't follow the program.  I mean, in most slasher films with lots of teens, (not saying yours is. Just an example) who have sex die almost immediately thereafter.   And if you're a bad person, bitchy teen, grouchy drunk, or just a sleaze bucket like him, you'll die.  

And perhaps it's not always a good thing to really hope that certain characters die, but in the horror world, it's almost expected.   The first time Michael went into the Maloy's house, I was like -- yes, but then you sprung that little twist.  That jump scare.   But then he went back in.

I wanted to rewrite the scene myself and do it for you.  But after finishing.... well, maybe it was a good idea you didn't.  Matter of fact, he added another dimension to the creep factor. JMHO.

Must be a pretty safe neighborhood, leaving your windows and doors unlocked.  I mean,  two guys massacres the family next door.  All mine would be locked.  But Hector seemed to move freely between the Maloy's house and Sarah's.  Needless to say, it was quite creepy, especially the shower scene with Sarah... to name a few.  

Hector had plenty of chances to kill them off one-by-one, but didn't.  I liked this exchange.  You made it pay off in the end.

Code SARAH -- His father also taught me how to shoot.

Some of the logic needs polishing.  The police procedures.

The scene when the gang first encounter the two detectives (MAC and JOHN).  I think it runs too long.  Second, I don't think the cops would be forthcoming with that much information.  

A caveat, you did cut inside the house, so that's good.  And our first "WTF?!" moment.  

The fact that Hector was still there, which was good and surprisingly shocking.   That said, when cops go over a crime scene, they usually conduct a pretty thorough search.  I think they would have found him.   Or maybe Hector came back, but  unless I missed something, I don't think so.   So I had to suspend my disbelief.

You wanted Hector to overhear the conversation?

But having said that, a lot of police departments are known for doing shoddy work at times.    Maybe it's the case here.   It's plausible.  Regardless.  I'd still consider shortening some it.  It runs from page 7 to about 16.

When Mac and John find the dead reporter.  An active crime scene.   The ROOKIE COP.   At first they tell him to call for back up, but then tell him to go back to the station.  Here, a better choice would have been for Mac and John to still have him make the call, but then have him secure the scene instead.  

That dialogue exchange between Mac and John after the Rook leaves would still work.

Again, Mac holsters his gun to help move an injured Ron from the house.  I don't think any normal cop would do that, not with a killer nearby.  Matter of fact, I don't think they would have took the time to remove the body...just yet.  Of course, if they had the Rookie with them, he could have.  JMHO.  I could be wrong.

Page 80.  That whole scene - when Hector enters the house -- we've got Julie, Ron, Johnny, Michael, Sharon, and Billy.  No one tried to get out of the house initially.  It basically turns into a game of hide and go seek.  If you are being chased do not run to a silly location to escape, for example up the stairs,  like they did except Michael, the coward, who decided to hide behind a couch.  Eventually Michael does run out.

But I get it.  I probably would have just had Billy, Johnny, and Sharon go upstairs.  And instead of having Ron and Julie follow... have them attempt to run out the door before Hector grabs Julie and does his thing.    

Look, clichés aren't always a problem.  I'm just trying to get you to usefully employ them for future reference.  Too often they are lazily put into screenplays or pasted into films without any real thought behind them.

The last fifteen minutes of the third act feels kinda rushed, but nail-biting.  I see why you focused so much on the baseball card in the beginning.  It was very symbolic in the end.

The first time Sarah fires.  Did she actually hit Hector or did she miss.  It wasn't clear.
I believe it should be "Halt."

Page 29, a slug needs fixing.  You'll see it.

The happy ending was extremely Hollywood-esque.  

A minor plot-hole stood out, but it escapes me at the moment.  I might have to go back through it.   Okay, that's all I've got for now.  It's late, long day and night, and my brains are scrambled.  Forgive my spelling errors.  Just some suggestions, but I hope you find something useful.

However, it was very refreshing to read something new from you.   There's a lot to like, low budget being one of them.

But alas, all good things must come to an end, as do my comments.

Ghostie

Ghostie, thank you so very much for the time that you  did to read and review this script. I really appreciate it.

I was never a big fan of blood and guts horrors. I like something that scares, but also has a story. Influences like Silver Bullet and The Lost Boys.

Yes, I tried to keep the locations to a minimum with this one. I thought it would be difficult, but it was easier than I had expected.

You have given me many ideas to work with and on.  I agree, Billy and the police need work, so does the script, and I will be doing just that. Thank you. Your review will help me take it to the next level.

I will probably start on the rewrite next week when I have a day off of work.

Thank you again,
Cindy

Cindy,

Checked out your first act. It's starting to grow on me. You have us a good first ten, including the murder. I'm up to the part where Michael comes over for a beer. You have my attention and I'd like to see where this goes.

Couple things. Can't for the life of me figure out why Sarah invited Michael back into the house after the incident with Billy playing catch. She'd just finished telling Billy how much she loved him and she invites this guy back in the house with the promise of just a six pack. I think way more groveling from Michael is needed, or even if she should be through with him at this point. I don't like Michael at all. And I think Sarah is stupid for letting him back. Is she hard up? Just doesn't sit right with me.

I like Sharon. I feel she's gonna play a much bigger part in this soon.  The only things that's a bit of a nitpick is that it's sort of a rule not to have two characters with similar names (Sharon, Sarah). It could lead to a little confusion for the reader as this goes on. I did a double take at one point before I figured it.

I would also recommend trimming this a bit. Some of your sentences are overly descriptive, such as when you're describing the inside of the house. Good eye for detail, yes, but perhaps over done. In spite of that, it read very quickly.

Those are the main things I can think of right now. I'll post some more notes as I go.

Steve

Hi Steve,
I'm glad that you don't like Michael.  He  doesn't have a clue about anyone  other than himself.
Sarah is lonely after losing her husband. She has been with Michael for a short while and  had never seen him like that.
I was wondering if anyone was going to call me out on their names. Lol

Thanks or giving it a read,

Cindy

The  new draft is up. Similar with small changes that I think make it work better.

Thank you, Don.

I see my script, this script,  keeps getting a bunch of new hits every day.

It would be nice if whoever is reading it would leave a comment.
Good or bad. A comment would be nice.

Otherwise, I feel like this is kinda' strange.

Cindy

Hey Cindy

I looked into your script yesterday and stopped at p27.

Sure, I could read on but there were points concerning execution I completely dislike and so I choose to make it clear with putting it into discussion without reading further.

I come later to that and first
before you puke all over at me ;-) , I better point out that your premise and story is exceptional interesting from what I read so far. Even that unique I need to add some spoilers which isn't that often me reading a script here.


SPOILERS SPOILERS

You got two identical looking killers, I guess twins, their clothes, their weapons – hammers; this all rocks and I was hooked from p5. Very remarkable. Oscar getting caught naked, chain smoking in the garden, exceptional, while Hector is hiding up in the attic, unique stuff. All of them now think they got the killer, they're safe, but there's this twin monster now lurking in the neighborhood and more than that he's actually living at the crime of scene. WHAT? That all is a top quality concept. And a great set-up so far. Additionally, I also liked what's going on with Michael that suspicious idiot.

SPOILERS END


I even like the "general" situation of our main character still having a babysitter at the age of 11. His parents divorced, him living with his over careful mother, him disliking her friend and, of course, not least his best friend murdered.

What bothered me is how you executed that situation. There was so much drama.

Sarah, I completely dislike her and how you've written her. She got so much dialogue and screen time as if I partly read a feel good soap opera, centerd on mom.

Example from the porch scene: Sarah to Billy

"you're my son"
"I love you"
"…with all of my heart"
"You're all I got"
"I'd lose my mind if…"

Sure, there is other information in between about Michael, the death of his dad and babysitter Sharon. But somehow you need to find a way to deliver it faster, in 2,3, or 4 dialogues at best.

That's not all. Sarah, every time she interacts, you exactly add how she means what throughout the play, without trusting we already understood her mother attitude.

She nods with approval, looks here, thinks that. More than that every nod is connected to an adjective or adverb. Why?

She comments and controls your whole play. And all of those tiny interactions of her become close-ups in my head since I follow your story attentively. Think about.

I believe you overestimate those interactions completely. They annoy. Since you already established Sarah you should rather trust the reader to understand her without writing every nod and look on the page or let her non-stop babble.

Make Sarah the sub she is. Not a protagonist as written.

Cut the dialogues; compress the drama to high intense moments and interactions only, which say all you want to deliver in a quick way. Go in depth with few words, instead of a dragging soap opera atmosphere. Serve the horror genre not the tragedy drama...

Some notes:

P1
Lights are on inside  --- 2 times used

"Kevin thinks that's a tough one"  --- not like that.

P5
Only thing I dislike about the introduction of Hector and Oscar is I got no facial description, no features, hair, an expression something at least.

P7 counter counter

P12 bloody Pentagram –-- originality check?

P22
Things start to move. Sarah talking to the suspicious guy, there she is much more satisfying character for a horror play.

P23
There's suspense. The script should move more within that part of the story. In my book, we should be at p15-17 at this point.

Last catch: Sarah and Sharon. I constantly mixed them up. Especially when their name is capitalized in the dialogue boxes.


Bottom line: I think you derailed a lot. I got too many information about things I don't want to read about (f.i. I stopped at the description of the contents of the freezer) instead of those I'm interested in - the Killers' faces. I want to experience movement. I want to know more, quicker. But you brake and brake and brake the story with unnecessary stuff and endless extensive drama talks and looks and nods and details. You lose trust that way- so I quit before reading more of that.

The premise is still extraordinary. Maybe try to get a look on your execution from the outside and rethink it. Writing an intense 85 page script isn't a shame.

Actually, I would even advise to not change one single thing - only cut and cut the bad from the good. The valuable core already lies in the quantity. Red marker time.

That's just my opinion. Don't take it to heart.

I like the story lying behind the curtain pretty much.
There's a lot highly intriguing stuff that should be drawn into the spotlight imo.

This isn't going to be the most prodigious first post but ... Yeh - what he said. I stopped because i found myself skipping over bits of dialogue/exposition - which generally means they're unnecessary. Trim it down and i'd have another go.

PrussianMosby,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my script.
I do appreciate it.

Yes, I see what you mean, and I do agree.
There will be another rewrite.

Thank you again.

Alex,
I will let you know when the rewrite is up.
Thank you  for taking time with this one.


Cindy

Hey Yo,

I try to give you a motivation boost for your rewrite since I must sound negative and repetitive.

What I wrote in the spoilers is real. And with more distance now I gotta say ---- it's so remarkable. It's even genius. I know it has no worth what I think, but I definitely will be there.

I dislike Horror in general – then your stuff is the game to play

PrussianMosby,

That's very kind  of you to say.
I will be working on this later in the week.

Thank you again.

Hey Cindy. Interesting title. I read only first 5 pages.
Some redundancies such as “reaches for a phone on the counter. She makes a call.” 'She reaches for the phone" would be enough.
On page 2 we hear Billy saying something. We don’t see Billy, but what’s his voice like? Young? Old? Soft or drunk?
Marcela

Hi Marcela,
You've brought up a good point about his voice.
I will be going over this one again after the holidays (very busy time at work).
Thanks for giving it a look.
Cindy